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Thread: The Setting Sun

  1. #1
    A 40 Bag To Freedom E.A Rumfield's Avatar
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    The Setting Sun

    The Sun peaks out from behind
    a vast mountain of gray clouds
    it turns pieces to a pure white
    and the sky to a majestic shade of blue
    far off in the center all is gold
    and its rays can be seen shedding
    their final light across this dying day
    as if broadcasting a message to
    the farthest reaches of our
    wretched world, if only we could
    understand what she had to say
    but we talk and talk yet fail time
    and again to communicate, is there
    hope still for our people, we seem
    so confused, weighted down by
    years of so called progress and
    bureaucratic inefficiencies, programed
    so we cannot appreciate the beauty our
    mother so graciously bestowed upon us
    her most ungrateful children, the sky
    changes it hue, as the clouds shift and
    dissipate, I watch the sun shine through

  2. #2
    Registered User Jeos's Avatar
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    Y:setting sun

    Hi,

    Fine vocabulary, beautiful content but it lacks compactness (in terms of contemporary renowned poetry.)
    Yet it remains of very agreable reading.
    He noblest lives and noblest dies
    who makes and keeps his self-made laws

    Richard Francis Burton

  3. #3
    A 40 Bag To Freedom E.A Rumfield's Avatar
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    Thank you. I what ways do you think it lacks compactness?

  4. #4
    Registered User Jeos's Avatar
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    Some phrases are too long. Secondly there is the way you "jump" from description of nature to "We".
    Basically all the difficulties in poetry (or in anything else) are a matter of rhythm but that rhythm doesn't come in a plate... we've to conquer it, to construct it.
    It means that the raw coal we receive under inspiration must progressively be sculpted in a diamant.
    Since we are here ALSO to learn from each other, do not hesitate into comment my little creations, may I suggest you my "Song of Descendancy or "Because of You" .(Another possible title would be" Hitchcock" since it's partially a fiction).
    He noblest lives and noblest dies
    who makes and keeps his self-made laws

    Richard Francis Burton

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