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Thread: My first attempt, In its first draft

  1. #1
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    Jun 2012

    My first attempt, In its first draft

    Muggle diarys;

    So here I am walking through the streets on my way back from the pub. The noise of cats yowling at one another, hissing as they get ever closer. But this was not the only noise. An engine was roaring and spluttering, now you may think i'm crazy for thinking this is something special, 'It's an old car on the side streets of london' you're thinking. Well, i'd agree if the noise was coming from the streets but it was not, It was pounding through the air popping eardrums as it passed. Of course at first I thought it was just the alchohol, but I am pretty sure alchohol does not cause hallucinations, As this thought was proccessing I looked up and saw a light shine from the air, beleiving I was about to be abducted by aliens I ran to some cover and watched from a far and to my amazement a motorbike drifted out of the mist landing in the middle of a peculiarly dark street. Riding the bike was a thing of immense proportions, due to an unneccesary amount of facial hair, i'm guessing it was a large man. What I could make out through the wiry bush of beard was a rather fat, wide nose, it had dirt or grease marks and a few little scratches.

    Perched inbetween the giants legs was a basket which appeared to have quite a large object in but I was to far away to tell what it was exactly. He lifted up the basket and handed it to a man who had been stood there for quite sometime. This man was quite the opposite of the giant, although he had some height to him he was rather slender and wore what looked like a robe/gown of somesort. But his beard was quite the competitor, it looked well groomed and was a shining white. It hung down like a pendulum and swung with every face movement. Although I was to far away to hear what was being said the facial expressions of this white bearded man as he took the basket made me all the more curious as to what was concealed inside. Stood beside the man was a woman, again in a gown, it was black and drooped to the floor. Her nose was slightly crooked and her mouth was sharp and wide, her expression alongside the white bearded mans expression only increased my curiousity.

    This group of people made me quite suspicious, they looked to peculier to be in an illegal trade, yet there choice of time and wereabouts was rather odd. I could not decide and on that thought I heard a group of teenagers walking past behind me, with this I felt I shouldnt be crouched behind a wall staring at people and so got up and walked on, looking ever so casual yet pondering what I had just seen, the feeling of not knowing peturbed me and I desperatly wanted to go back, but by the time I turned back and went they had gone, like magic.

  2. #2
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    Jul 2012
    Sorry for my indiscreet asking.Now i am just a beginner in writing. I am puzzled by the 'tense'.why the first sentence is in past tense?

  3. #3
    Registered User Red Hot Soho's Avatar
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    Aug 2012
    I'm not sure if you're entirely serious, as it's riddled with basic spelling errors, over-long sentences and the same word being repeated (to no literary effect) in the same sentence.

    At best, I would say the stylistic aspect in this piece is non-existent, due to this any sense of plot direction is quickly disappearing. From the very first sentences improvements could be made to add some atmosphere, for example:

    "Here I am. Early morning, I found myself waltzing through the grey streets of London back from the pub. All the banter and buzzing from inside the old tavern had eventually been swallowed up and spat back out as the noise of cats yowling at one another, hissing as they get even closer.."

    So on and so forth.

    I mean, it eventually gets more interesting as you start to actually describe, what would seem to be a vital plot instrument, in vivid detail, particularly "It hung down like a pendulum and swung with every face movement." I found this to be quite the imaginative line.

    "This group of people made me quite suspicious, they looked to peculier to be in an illegal trade,"

    Why would you character assume they were in the illegal trade in the first place? These things must be woven neatly into your writing in the first place! So we can fully comprehend what you character means when he is looking at all these different people and associating them with lifestyles.

    You have a problem with a pretty easy solution. Write your vital plot-turners first, THEN focus ALL of your attention to the lead-up and the more descriptive parts of the story. The ideas are there and it's clear you've put effort in, you've just completely neglected the less intriguing parts (Which are the catalyst for the plot) and focused on the descriptive aspects of what you deem to be important.
    Last edited by Red Hot Soho; 08-02-2012 at 07:54 AM.

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