How green fells glisten
long after clouds have applied
their viscera to earth,
is memory of him so stayed;
rasping suns too pale to dry past touch.
How green fells glisten
long after clouds have applied
their viscera to earth,
is memory of him so stayed;
rasping suns too pale to dry past touch.
Last edited by Catamite; 06-23-2012 at 05:47 PM.
''Actual self-awareness is the knowledge that we are all characters in someone elses dream.''
This has got quite a lot going for it but again, watch your word choices, which if inappropriate, can really throw a spanner in the works. Like "trump" in S1 L4. Trump is a card playing term or might apply to" the last trump" in the sense of trumpet sounding the end of the world in Revelations. Bad choice. Thump would work here. but it's a bit leaden.
I love S2,
but in S3 you start throwing inappropriate words into the mix again: "upstart"? upstart is a word for a jumped up nobody or social climber. I suppose you could say "startlement" but it's rather clunky, better to reword the line:
"for like so many birds when startled"
L3 "do erstwhile thoughts scatter" is a ghastly inverstion of syntax and you should try to avoid the repetition of thoughts. Try:
"my other thoughts are scattered when I think of you"
You shouldn't end this line with a full stop, as the last line flows as part of the same sentence.
L4 the plural of leaf is leaves, and I'm not too keen on "neighboured me". This line really needs some commas.
"And there were many others, which, like leaves, neighboured me." but I'd recommend trying to find a less complicated way of saying what you want to say in this line.
Apart from the things I've picked on, this poem has some lovely flow and nice expression. Pretty good piece.
Live and be well - H
Last edited by Hawkman; 05-25-2012 at 08:28 AM.
Sounds well written but then I'm stuck on the line:
do all other thoughts scatter at the thought of you.
I do like the line:
to know that behind those soft gates there might be a graveyard of old lover's
And then I start singing 'I'm just a jealous guy'
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
Having changed this poem such that it is almost an entriely new piece, I thought it would appropriate and acceptable to 'bump' it for any new criticism.
''Actual self-awareness is the knowledge that we are all characters in someone elses dream.''
This reader found this piece heavy handed and wordy at parts. But nevermind that, that's just what he didn't like. In spite of this, the imagery of clouds 'applying their viscera' to the earth is highly evocative and fantastic. There are many more parts just like this. The flow itself (which is a bit longwinded in this reader's opinion) is actually quite nice. The use of the word 'shall' is such a bummer. As is the emphatic 'do.' As is any 'ye aulde speak' going on up there. But even these things that this reader certainly does not like cannot ruin the poetic force at play here. Consider us in a love/hate relationship for now, Catamite (that is, this reader and your poem).
J
Ah, thanks for the feedback Jack. I think we'll have to agree to disagree about words like shall and the uses of do etc. , though you're certaintly not the first comment about it; I like the ring of word like shall, and to be fair, it's word still used in common language today.
''Actual self-awareness is the knowledge that we are all characters in someone elses dream.''
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