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Thread: The Sin of Rhyme

  1. #1
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    The Sin of Rhyme

    There in his nightshirt
    hope's candle by his bed
    the nightcap askew
    till fallen from his head.

    Clammy sweat pored downward
    as I bathed his glistening brow
    to release the angry fever
    and dampen future vows.

    One day when delerious
    fancying my virtue by trust
    I dreamed we'd soon be married
    when we ate the holy crust.

    Yet the touch of the Devil's hand
    did snuff the haughty spark
    as evil gushes from his mouth
    such vileness in the dark.
    Last edited by Delta40; 05-22-2012 at 04:45 PM.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  2. #2
    ShadowsCool ShadowsCool's Avatar
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    You know I really liked this Delta.

    If I may add. I think it sounds better with a modern rendition. For instance:

    There in your nightshirt
    hope's candle by the bed
    the nightcap askew
    till fallen from your head.

    Clammy sweat pored downward
    as I bathed your glistening brow
    to release the angry fever
    and dampen future vows.

    Delerious was I one day
    fancying my virtue by trust
    I dreamed we'd soon be married
    when we ate the holy crust.

    Yet the touch of the Devil's hand
    did snuff the haughty spark
    as evil gushed from the mouth
    with vile verses in the dark.
    shad·ow ing

  3. #3
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    The greatest sin here is saying thou when you should have said thy

    You hiccuped in the metre here:

    "Delerious was I one day
    fancying my virtue by trust"

    try:

    "One day, when delirious
    my virtue kept in trust"

    and here:

    "Yet the touch of the Devil's hand
    did snuff the haughty spark
    as evil gushed from the mouth
    with vile verses in the dark."

    try:

    "but the devil's hand put out
    my haughty beacon in the dark,
    now evil gushes on the page
    to leave it's vile mark."

    live and be well - H

  4. #4
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    Nicely done, Delta. The Hawk seems right about the 'thy' thing. 'Holy crust' is probably supposed to mean religious ceremonial bread, but this reader finds the word 'crust' icky in most contexts. What's that on the old bishop's moustache/nostrils? Holy crust.






    J

  5. #5
    In the fog Charles Darnay's Avatar
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    Thou = subject
    Thy = possessive

    So thy is indeed correct.

    Otherwise, great poem.
    I wrote a poem on a leaf and it blew away...

  6. #6
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Yeah, I struggle badly with the thee, thy and thou. I actually wrote it without all those silly words in the first place - although Charles thinks I'm correct. Conflict!!!!

    I'll take them out at some point. Thanks for the suggestions everyone on a poem I don't give a fig about. My point is metre and rhyme are not my forte in life!
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  7. #7
    Miaaow! Twota's Avatar
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    I really like the first 4 stanzas!

  8. #8
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    Nce poem Delta, but Charles too corroborates Hawk's and Jack's knowledge ("THOU who are not, help THY creation...." ) now "go and don't sin anymore!" he he

  9. #9
    King of Dreams MorpheusSandman's Avatar
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    I love those closing lines, but this: "fancying my virtue by trust" has me a bit baffled.
    "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." --Carl Gustav Jung

    "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." --Neil Gaiman; The Sandman Vol. 4: Season of Mists

    "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" --The Proclaimers

  10. #10
    Registered User billl's Avatar
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    All in a day's work, for... Poetry Repairman!

  11. #11
    riding a cosmic vortex MystyrMystyry's Avatar
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    This is really very well done in many respects Delta - you've sustained the tone throughout as you're so often able to do, but also the rhyme and metre which just from a glance is a brave departure, and though I know you've managed traditional form before (I can't remember the last time but I know they're fairly rare from your prolific pen) this has sense and purpose


    (incidentally Billl's link crashed my computer )

  12. #12
    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    I liked "holy crust". You probably wouldn't have thought of that without needing a rhyme with "trust". I think you could do away with using "thee" and "thou" without making a difference. So who was committing the sin of rhyme? The lover or the "I" character? Or both? I also liked the "vile verses" that the Devil made one say.

  13. #13
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    I just use modern idioms-- "you, yours," etc. Or if the thing is set in Brooklyn--"youse."

    Why is rhyme a sin though?

  14. #14
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Oh it was just a play on my own poetic limitations Auntie. Nice to see you back online.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

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