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Thread: Metal

  1. #1
    Miaaow! Twota's Avatar
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    Metal

    I gaze at the date
    on her bare neck,
    as we lie on the beach
    waiting to be scrap.

    Her long dark hair
    mingles with the night,
    her sapphire eyes shine
    like the ocean
    under moon light,
    a female projection
    of my self,
    a perfect landscape,
    except we aren't.

    Her light goes out
    followed by mine,
    two lightening balls
    racing to the clouds,
    leaving our bodies
    empty on the ground.
    Last edited by Twota; 05-22-2012 at 05:39 AM.
    Cats love literature, they purr sonnets that humans can't comprehend. *Purrs*

  2. #2
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    I think:

    her sapphire eyes shine
    like the ocean

    is a little cliched but other than that Twota this is really good piece from you. I like it and think of two young people in an imperfect world, ready to throw everything away for each other. On the other hand we could be talking about cyborgs too!
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  3. #3
    ShadowsCool ShadowsCool's Avatar
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    This is pretty deep and I like the reference to scrap.
    Kinda the way all love eventually turns into.

  4. #4
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    There's just something odd about this poem, the title for starters. It almost reads as though you started writing a poem about one thing and then it turned into something else about half way through. I just can't make the connection with metal through the verses, except in the fleeting mention of scrap.

    "I gaze at the date on her bare neck," is a bit strange - is it tattooed there or stamped in ink? If you'd written, "I gaze at my date, at her bare neck" it would make more sense in context. S2 is rather good, but S3 is thrown off the rails a bit by the last two lines.

    "watching our bodies
    empty on the ground."

    The way this is worded it sounds as though you are standing back to appreciate the effects of a powerful emetic. If you had said "leaving" instead of "watching", empty would function as an adjective rather than a verb.

    There's an ambiguity in the poem overall. It can be read as a narrative about a suicide pact or a casual encounter; at least, these were the two wich sprang most readily to my mind. The, "except we aren't" functions well as a volta but it's a bit abrupt and telling, whilst saying nothing at the same time. Why aren't the narrator and his companion, "a perfect landscape?"

    I think my favourite line is, "her long dark hair mingles with the night", but you've too many definite articles in this line:

    "her sapphire eyes shine
    like the ocean
    under the moon light"

    where

    "her sapphire eyes shine
    like ocean
    under moonlight"

    might be better. You might also consider dumping the own in "my own self" which just isn't necessary.

    There are definitely some interesting things going on in the poem, but I'm inclined to think it could do with a little polishing in places.

    Live and be well - H

  5. #5
    Miaaow! Twota's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Delta40 View Post
    I think:

    her sapphire eyes shine
    like the ocean

    is a little cliched but other than that Twota this is really good piece from you. I like it and think of two young people in an imperfect world, ready to throw everything away for each other. On the other hand we could be talking about cyborgs too!
    Thanks Delta, glad you liked it, and yes, we are talking about cyborgs actually.
    Cats love literature, they purr sonnets that humans can't comprehend. *Purrs*

  6. #6
    Miaaow! Twota's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ShadowsCool View Post
    This is pretty deep and I like the reference to scrap.
    Kinda the way all love eventually turns into.
    Thanks Shadows, glad you liked it, you are right about love.
    Cats love literature, they purr sonnets that humans can't comprehend. *Purrs*

  7. #7
    Miaaow! Twota's Avatar
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    Hawk, thanks for reading and commenting

    Quote Originally Posted by Hawkman View Post
    There's just something odd about this poem, the title for starters. It almost reads as though you started writing a poem about one thing and then it turned into something else about half way through. I just can't make the connection with metal through the verses, except in the fleeting mention of scrap.

    "I gaze at the date on her bare neck," is a bit strange - is it tattooed there or stamped in ink? If you'd written, "I gaze at my date, at her bare neck" it would make more sense in context. S2 is rather good, but S3 is thrown off the rails a bit by the last two lines.

    "watching our bodies
    empty on the ground."

    The way this is worded it sounds as though you are standing back to appreciate the effects of a powerful emetic. If you had said "leaving" instead of "watching", empty would function as an adjective rather than a verb.

    There's an ambiguity in the poem overall. It can be read as a narrative about a suicide pact or a casual encounter; at least, these were the two wich sprang most readily to my mind. The, "except we aren't" functions well as a volta but it's a bit abrupt and telling, whilst saying nothing at the same time. Why aren't the narrator and his companion, "a perfect landscape?"

    I think my favourite line is, "her long dark hair mingles with the night", but you've too many definite articles in this line:

    "her sapphire eyes shine
    like the ocean
    under the moon light"

    where

    "her sapphire eyes shine
    like ocean
    under moonlight"

    might be better. You might also consider dumping the own in "my own self" which just isn't necessary.

    There are definitely some interesting things going on in the poem, but I'm inclined to think it could do with a little polishing in places.

    Live and be well - H
    It is true I started the poem with a different idea and then it became that , howerver, I think the title "Metal" fits good as I am talking about cyborgs as Delta said.

    I think this makes the date on her neck more clear, the expiry date, it's like some movie I saw recently.

    You are absolutely right about "empty on the ground", I meant "empty" as an adjective though it might give a different conclusion, I was thinking about "leaving" instead of "watching", now that you said it, I will edit it right away.

    As for "Except we aren't", well, it was supposed to be another hint about the..identity? of the narrator and his girlfriend, landscapes are for nature while they are purely artificial, I hope it wasn't too far from my intention.

    Thanks again, Hawk.
    Cats love literature, they purr sonnets that humans can't comprehend. *Purrs*

  8. #8
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    Twota, you took me to a futurist dreamland with this! Thanks for sharing!

  9. #9
    King of Dreams MorpheusSandman's Avatar
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    I like the ending, but overall I agree with most of Hawk's and Delta's critiques. A love poem about cyborgs is certainly a unique subject!
    "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." --Carl Gustav Jung

    "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." --Neil Gaiman; The Sandman Vol. 4: Season of Mists

    "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" --The Proclaimers

  10. #10
    Miaaow! Twota's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bar22do View Post
    Twota, you took me to a futurist dreamland with this! Thanks for sharing!
    Bar thanks, hope you enjoyed your trip. ;D

    Quote Originally Posted by MorpheusSandman View Post
    I like the ending, but overall I agree with most of Hawk's and Delta's critiques. A love poem about cyborgs is certainly a unique subject!
    Morpheus, glad you liked it. Thanks.
    Cats love literature, they purr sonnets that humans can't comprehend. *Purrs*

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