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Thread: Perspective

  1. #1
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Perspective

    Around memories
    in the overgrowth
    of missing golf balls
    and last year's pussy,
    snails and slugs
    smear their silvery trail.

    Now the blinds are down,
    tis all hidden from
    your kitchen window view.


    Around thoughts
    in the offshoots
    of pink tipped sausages
    and discharged eggs,
    fragrance and fats
    flavour my juicy flow.
    Last edited by Delta40; 05-20-2012 at 04:51 AM.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  2. #2
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    I feel like there is a lot of meaning in this poem, and the meaning isn't nearly as grotesque as some of the imagery. And I like that. Though I have a hard time knowing where to start in finding the meaning of it, so the main thing that matters is my immediate emotional reaction to reading the poem.. and that was being grossed out by the "pink tipped sausages" line. I think it would be better if the emotional backlash was prompted by other areas and essences of the poem. So, maybe take some of the "oomph" out of that line? Because I don't think it is one of the better lines or concepts in the poem but it overpowers everything else. Just my two cents.

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    Oh dear, Delta - can it be that JB and miyako between them have got you obbsessing over your sex-life and genitals? Seem to be a lot of heavy sexual allusions in this one.

    Fragrancy should be fragrance btw. Sex and breakfast or is it at the barbie? I'm afraid I don't get the 2nd stanza reference, if it's a quote, but it fits well into the poem.

    Live and be well - H

  4. #4
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Edited.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  5. #5
    King of Dreams MorpheusSandman's Avatar
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    You just love these bipartite poems that work in parallel, don't you? What I'm trying to figure out is how we're supposed to connect "snails and slugs / smear their silvery trail" with "fragrance and fats / flavor my juicy flow"! But I love the weird eroticism in the piece.
    "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." --Carl Gustav Jung

    "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." --Neil Gaiman; The Sandman Vol. 4: Season of Mists

    "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" --The Proclaimers

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    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    I'd try to find a replacement for "'tis" because it's discordant with the otherwise contemporary diction of the poem and switchesone's attention for a moment from the poem to the maker of it.

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    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Don't worry, it's a passing phase.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  8. #8
    Miaaow! Twota's Avatar
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    I love it.

    I like the 1st stanza lots.
    Cats love literature, they purr sonnets that humans can't comprehend. *Purrs*

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    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MorpheusSandman View Post
    You just love these bipartite poems that work in parallel, don't you? What I'm trying to figure out is how we're supposed to connect "snails and slugs / smear their silvery trail" with "fragrance and fats / flavor my juicy flow"! But I love the weird eroticism in the piece.
    Are you suggesting the 'rules' of free verse (which I note Juniper Woolf claims there are none in another thread) dictate these two lines connect? Or like Vagantes said, have you just become a bad reader
    Last edited by Delta40; 05-20-2012 at 05:32 PM.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

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    Registered User miyako73's Avatar
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    I had not seen someone write "sausage" in a poem that came out so beautiful until I read this one.
    "You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same."

    --Jonathan Davis

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    ShadowsCool ShadowsCool's Avatar
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    Weird but imaginative
    shad·ow ing

  12. #12
    King of Dreams MorpheusSandman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Delta40 View Post
    Are you suggesting the 'rules' of free verse dictate these two lines connect?
    Not the rules of free verse, but the rule of parallelism, which isn't unique to verse or free verse. What I mean is:

    Around memories
    in the overgrowth



    Around thoughts
    in the offshoots
    “Around (plural noun dealing with the mind) in the (noun dealing with vegetation, starting with a preposition)”

    of missing golf balls
    and last year's pussy,



    of pink tipped sausages
    and discharged eggs,
    “Of (adjective, adjective, noun associated with male genitalia) and (adjective) (noun associated with female genitalia)”

    snails and slugs
    smear their silvery trail.



    fragrance and fats
    flavour my juicy flow.
    “(Noun) and (noun) (verb) (possessive pronoun) (adjective) (noun)”

    So there is parallelism across the two main stanzas in terms of the syntax and even what’s being described. That the last two seem not to connect in content, but do connect in syntax, is an invitation for a reader to interpret what the connection is supposed to be. It seems that what’s being connected is the, errr, “liquid” of the snail with the “sexual liquid” of the speaker.
    "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." --Carl Gustav Jung

    "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." --Neil Gaiman; The Sandman Vol. 4: Season of Mists

    "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" --The Proclaimers

  13. #13
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Paralleslism aside, as far as syntax goes, what do you think of Chomskys persistent emphasis on the central feature which he calls 'creativity' in language? So I'm a competent speaker who can produce a meaningful sentence which has no precedent in my earlier linguistic experience as well as the fact that you can understand the sentence immediately, though it is equally new to you. So both our competencies must consist in our mastery a set of generative and transformational rules.

    Generative in that it undertakes to establish a finite sytem of rules which will suffice to 'generate' in the sense that it will adequately account for the totality of syntactically 'well-formed' sentences that are possible in a given language.

    Transformational in that it postulates in the deep structure of a language system, a set of 'kernel sentences' which, in accordance with diverse rules of transformation, serve to produce a great variety of sentences on the surface structure of a language system as well as a large number of more complex derivatives from the simple kernel sentence.

    (I have quoted this in places)
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  14. #14
    King of Dreams MorpheusSandman's Avatar
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    I haven't read Chomsky, so I'd certainly have to read up on those terms to form any meaningful reply. Most of my readings on language philosophy are from the post-structuralists, but even then as it mostly relates to aesthetics and literary theory, which is a bit different than Chomsky's linguistic philosophy. Any recommended reading, or do you want to try and rephrase?
    "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." --Carl Gustav Jung

    "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." --Neil Gaiman; The Sandman Vol. 4: Season of Mists

    "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" --The Proclaimers

  15. #15
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    here is a very small example from my poem.

    Now the blinds are down.

    the blinds are now down

    the blinds are down now

    are the blinds down now?

    down now, the blinds are.

    down now are the blinds.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

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