Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 28

Thread: Self Pleasure

  1. #1
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Condescending Wonka
    Posts
    9,635
    Blog Entries
    61

    Self Pleasure

    When your body
    is plastered against the glass
    during my force of passion,
    propelling through tunnels,
    rocketing across bridges,
    igniting zenith sparks
    along my inflamed carriage.

    When you peel yourself
    from the screen of my energy,
    steaming, rattled.

    When I have been derailed,
    the furnace handle still hot
    and I puff, 'choo choo,'
    then you can be the driver.
    Last edited by Delta40; 05-17-2012 at 05:56 PM.
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

  2. #2
    Registered User kittypaws's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    where ever I happen to be at the moment
    Posts
    573
    Blog Entries
    23
    Ahhh, the power of being in control!

    Delta.....Kudos!

    Not too many would understand this or have the balls to write it. I enjoyed this!!

    kittypaws
    Everyone finds himself in the world where he belongs. The essential thing is to have a fixed point from which to check its reality now and then.
    Ancient Egyptian Inner Temples

  3. #3
    King of Dreams MorpheusSandman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    The Heart of the Dreaming
    Posts
    3,020
    One slight fix, Delta: there shouldn't be a period after "carriage," because that's merely a prepositional phrase attached to one of the three preceding participle phrases but connected to the initial dependent clause beginning with "when" that still needs a "then" clause to make it a complete sentence. So L1-7 is a sentence fragment. You can change that period to a semi-colon and it will work, because semi-colons can separate different parts of the same sentence where there is a wealth of other commas and phrases.

    The semi-colon would also work well structurally here, especially since the two "whens" that follow recall and contrast with the breathless beginning. In fact, those two subsequent "whens" give the reader a sense of "running out of steam" and approaching the ending so when the "then" finally hits, it feels like a, errrr, "release". There are other interesting parallels to make between these two sections, such as how the beginning opens with a passive voice concerning something being done to the other party ("your body") while the second half begins with with that subject actively doing something ("peel yourself") and is followed by a passive voice about something being done to the speaker ("I have been derailed") . There's also how the participle verbs and other verbs in the first half begin 4 of the 7 lines given them a real sense of momentum pushing forward, those verbs are displaced in the second half towards the middle of the line, decreasing their emphasis and impact, and makes the final verb of the speaker (puff) really feel like a final “oomph” while in a weakened state.

    Overall, I really like it. Very playful, but very well constructed.
    Last edited by MorpheusSandman; 05-16-2012 at 06:28 AM.
    "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." --Carl Gustav Jung

    "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." --Neil Gaiman; The Sandman Vol. 4: Season of Mists

    "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" --The Proclaimers

  4. #4
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Condescending Wonka
    Posts
    9,635
    Blog Entries
    61
    I'm going to need a glass of wine before I make the changes you suggest MS!
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

  5. #5
    Don't change. Your inner voice and style. The period is needed as a rest, long break and emphasis. It works fine. The fragments reinforce the poignancy of the last line. In my reading, because of the periods, I feel the "I" in the poem is speaking and thinking not delivering a long, memorized sermon.
    Last edited by miyako73; 05-16-2012 at 05:51 AM.
    "You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same."

    --Jonathan Davis

  6. #6
    The puddytat you saw Hawkman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    5,259
    Blog Entries
    8
    Morpheus is right in that the full stop should be replaced with either a comma or a semicolon, because the sentence can't end with carriage - it is incomplete. It is not complete until it is resolved, which it isn't until the end of the last line. for this reason the full stop after rattled should also be replaced with a comma or semicolon and you also need a comma after cho,cho. However, he's made such a meal of the reasoning that it just baffles, rather than explains

    You might also check your tenses in the first part where propelled and rocketed might be better choices.

    Live and be well - H
    Oh no, not again...

  7. #7
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Condescending Wonka
    Posts
    9,635
    Blog Entries
    61
    I'm busy cooking atm and will make the changes later but just out of interest, would you say this poem is erotic in any way?
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

  8. #8
    The puddytat you saw Hawkman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    5,259
    Blog Entries
    8
    The events described are obviously a metaphor for love-making, although the title suggests masturbation - so one is left reading me and you as the same person - divided between control and abandon. But the payoff is rather laconic
    Last edited by Hawkman; 05-16-2012 at 06:32 AM.
    Oh no, not again...

  9. #9
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Condescending Wonka
    Posts
    9,635
    Blog Entries
    61
    well I was aiming for an anti-climatic effect
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

  10. #10
    King of Dreams MorpheusSandman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    The Heart of the Dreaming
    Posts
    3,020
    Quote Originally Posted by Delta40 View Post
    I'm going to need a glass of wine before I make the changes you suggest MS!
    I only suggested one change: the period after "carriage" should be a semi-colon because otherwise you have a sentence fragment. Also, I missed the period after "rattled," which should be a comma, for the same reason as above. The rest of what I said was just analysis of what you've accomplished in this fine piece.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hawkman View Post
    You might also check your tenses in the first part where propelled and rocketed might be better choices.
    I was going to mention this as well, but forgot after I'd typed the rest: I actually like the switch of tenses from the from the present tense in the first half to the past tense in the last half, but it does need to be normalized and consistent (there are some past tenses in the first half and present in the second).
    Last edited by qimissung; 05-16-2012 at 01:01 PM. Reason: same poster
    "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." --Carl Gustav Jung

    "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." --Neil Gaiman; The Sandman Vol. 4: Season of Mists

    "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" --The Proclaimers

  11. #11
    The puddytat you saw Hawkman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    5,259
    Blog Entries
    8
    There are some instances where past and present to not clash: eg: "The locomotive lurched, left the tracks, showering the banked escarpment with glowing coals." but there has to be a logical order.
    Oh no, not again...

  12. #12
    King of Dreams MorpheusSandman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    The Heart of the Dreaming
    Posts
    3,020
    I agree about the order, Hawk; how would you recommend ordering it here?
    "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." --Carl Gustav Jung

    "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." --Neil Gaiman; The Sandman Vol. 4: Season of Mists

    "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" --The Proclaimers

  13. #13
    Jethro BienvenuJDC's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Mid-Pennsylvania, USA
    Posts
    13,840
    Blog Entries
    10
    Quote Originally Posted by MorpheusSandman View Post
    I only suggested one change: the period after "carriage" should be a semi-colon because otherwise you have a sentence fragment. Also, I missed the period after "rattled," which should be a comma, for the same reason as above. The rest of what I said was just analysis of what you've accomplished in this fine piece.
    WAIT, does this call for TWO glasses of wine now?
    Les Miserables,
    Volume 1, Fifth Book, Chapter 3
    Remember this, my friends: there are no such things as bad plants or bad men. There are only bad cultivators.

  14. #14
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Condescending Wonka
    Posts
    9,635
    Blog Entries
    61
    Quote Originally Posted by BienvenuJDC View Post
    WAIT, does this call for TWO glasses of wine now?
    Lol More like THREE! Will one of you just re-write it for me so I don't have to use my brain???
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

  15. #15
    King of Dreams MorpheusSandman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    The Heart of the Dreaming
    Posts
    3,020
    Quote Originally Posted by Delta40 View Post
    Lol More like THREE! Will one of you just re-write it for me so I don't have to use my brain???
    Sure. Here you go:

    When your body
    is plastered against the glass
    during my force of passion,
    propelling through tunnels,
    rocketing across bridges,
    igniting zenith sparks
    along my inflamed carriage;
    When you peel yourself
    from the screen of my energy,
    steaming, rattled,
    When I have been derailed,
    the furnace handle still hot
    and I puff, 'choo choo,'
    then you can be the driver.

    BTW, one final critique: can I just say how much I love the word "plastered" here? It has so many different possible meanings, most of them vividly appropriate to the context, so it's a great use of lexical (linguistic) ambiguity.
    "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." --Carl Gustav Jung

    "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." --Neil Gaiman; The Sandman Vol. 4: Season of Mists

    "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" --The Proclaimers

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Learning for Pleasure
    By andave_ya in forum General Writing
    Replies: 19
    Last Post: 11-26-2012, 07:10 PM
  2. Are Human Beings Inherently Evil?
    By Neely in forum Serious Discussions
    Replies: 84
    Last Post: 10-16-2011, 04:27 AM
  3. Are there hierarchies of pleasure?
    By African_Love in forum Philosophical Literature
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 10-12-2010, 11:54 AM
  4. What is your guilty pleasure of reading?
    By applepie in forum General Literature
    Replies: 95
    Last Post: 06-12-2008, 05:22 PM
  5. When Love Has No Pleasure
    By ROBERT DAVIDSON in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 09-29-2005, 09:56 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •