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Thread: Getting Caught

  1. #1
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Getting Caught

    For years we slumber,
    conscious of a dawn's
    imminent approach,
    snapping each twig underfoot,
    whittling away thick roots
    which choke our lonely hearts.

    When the low-bell rings,
    our inner bird is flushed.
    Flitter, flutter,
    and suddenly
    we're snared like
    two night fowls
    in an old mist net.

    As we gaze into the light
    paralysed,
    we dare not stir,
    so dazzled will we be
    by its captivating glow.
    Last edited by Delta40; 05-11-2012 at 09:06 PM.
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

  2. #2
    riding a cosmic vortex MystyrMystyry's Avatar
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    Musing in the afterglow - and beyond. It reminds me a bit of the lovers in One Hundred years of Solitude who care about nothing but each other, oblivious to their house and the world falling apart around them.

    Interesting one from your pen Delta. I'll return to it later

  3. #3
    The puddytat you saw Hawkman's Avatar
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    Hello Delta. A couple of typos, well one anyway, conscious: the other: did you mean low-bell, a bell used to frighten birds into a net at night? The context would suggest so. Highly original this and, pardon the pun, striking However you seem to have reversed it by saying "breaks free" which in your poem it does before it's caught, so you might want to rearrange the order of the imagery or find a substitute for "free". I'm inclined to feel that separating the two words, flitter/flutter, by giving them their own lines, doesn't work. Naturally, these two in combination want to trip off the tongue and the deliberate act of slowing it down with a line break creates a tension, which just doesn't feel right in context. They're quick words, illustrating the rapidity/unthinking folly? of falling in love, so basically I just don't get the motivation for splitting them.

    Back to the first verse: you can safely dispense with the indefinite article before dawn's.

    Not keen on "pitched net". I know lots of wildlife types who catch birds and bats for ringing and documenting, and they call their net a "mist net". I think it's more fitting to use this term in the context of your poem too.

    The last thing I'd suggest you look at is "...love's lustrous glow." Maybe an alternative for love's? and in truth, are we actually talking about love, lust or infatuation? Words like love, hate, pain are easy substitutes/shortcuts, perhaps overused in a telling sense. We all use them, but should we?

    Just throwing ideas around for you to think about

    I really do like that low-bell image in context, and the poem does have something to say in an original way about an old favourite. I enjoyed the read. Long may you continue to share.

    Live and be well - H
    Last edited by Hawkman; 05-11-2012 at 08:30 PM.
    Oh no, not again...

  4. #4
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Thanks for the suggestions Hawk. I know what you mean about overuse of the word Love. I was talking to Shadows the other day and I said that I was a crappy poet when it came to writing a love poem and maybe I should make it my next challenge.
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

  5. #5
    Original Poster Buh4Bee's Avatar
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    Ah Delta, I always think the real thing will inspire!

  6. #6
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buh4Bee View Post
    Ah Delta, I always think the real thing will inspire!
    So do you think this works as a love poem Buh4Bee?
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

  7. #7
    The puddytat you saw Hawkman's Avatar
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    Hi Delta, low-bell is hyphenated, without it you are just saying the bell is low in pitch or to the ground. Out isn't much better than free in context - What you need here is "cover" as in, "breaks cover." Alternatively you could say, "our inner bird is flushed" it depends on how you feel about the alliteration with flitter/flutter.

    LLAP - H

    Ps, sorry, got my words mixed up, low-bell is hyphenated. Well, It's late over here - lol.
    Last edited by Hawkman; 05-11-2012 at 09:06 PM.
    Oh no, not again...

  8. #8
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Ok Metre Man, I'm going to go with flushed because of the inferences of the word. I changed it to mist net so do I need a hyphen? I do want you to sleep well tonight and just so you know, you're about the only Lit-Net person I'm willing to change a poem for...
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

  9. #9
    The puddytat you saw Hawkman's Avatar
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    Hi Delta, mist net is not hyphenated so it's fine as is I like flushed for its connotations too, so good choice. thanks for listening

    H
    Oh no, not again...

  10. #10
    In the fog Charles Darnay's Avatar
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    "our inner bird is flushed" - that's one of those lines that I know won't leave my head!
    I wrote a poem on a leaf and it blew away...

  11. #11
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charles Darnay View Post
    "our inner bird is flushed" - that's one of those lines that I know won't leave my head!
    Thanks Charles but the credit must go to Hawk for assisting me in reaching the depths of my own heart!
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

  12. #12
    There's a sense of serenity in this one, Delta, like still embrace and breathing silence after making love. I think its "lowbell."
    "You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same."

    --Jonathan Davis

  13. #13
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Thanks Miyako. That is another way of reading the poem for sure.
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

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