Brow beat in midday sun
my hair’s a wet tangle.
One scratch, and the game’s done.
Sea, fresh in my breaths in,
warm toes, curled in cool sand,
I know the count’s long done.
Still in the dunes, heart slow,
a cricket lands by me,
chirping in the long grass.
chirp chirp, chirp chirp, chirp chirp;
You peng zi yuan fang lai*,
in time, we say goodbye.
My fine guest leaves, rested,
I stand, and climb the dunes.
That game is long over.
* A friend comes to visit from afar
Last edited by Silas Thorne; 05-11-2012 at 06:22 PM.
'Let your ideas be second-hand, and if possible tenth-hand, for then they will be far removed from that disturbing element - direct observation'
E.M. Forster The Machine Stops
There's something lovely about this poem. It's the imagery of the game of hide and seek (which is being used as a metaphor in some way) among the dunes combined with the bittersweet tones you sneak in. And of course, the bit with the cricket, who must be on his way as well.
Any deep analysis here is beyond this reader's skill usually. Whatever hide and seek is supposed to signify here, all this reader picked up where the emotions associated with play, searching, being apart, being reunited and then (with a little help from the rest of the poem) the end of the game, which is sad in some way that doesn't fit nicely into words.
J
About the only flaw in this poem I can find is the repetition of breaths in S3. I'd recommend replacing it with heart.
A truly lovely poem Silas, evocative sensuous and reflective. Very effective in it's sparse, trimeter. A very pleasing read, Thank you.
live and be well - H
Last edited by Hawkman; 05-11-2012 at 06:16 PM.
Oh no, not again...
In case you couldn't tell from the first response, this reader completely agrees with Manhawk (the first reply reads a bit ambiguous by accident).
J
Beautiful imagery, breaths, sand, dunes and the emotive sense of something that is finished with Silas.
I used to be a Feminist ©? But now I just shut up and take it
Thanks for your feedback and comments guys! There was this boy on the beach, and I'm glad I can still see through his eyes a little, although my eyes are not the same.Hawkman, I think your suggestion is a good one, so have changed it a little.
The italics are a quote, well, they are my translation of part of a quote from Confucius, the whole quote of which means 'Isn't is pleasurable when a friend comes to visit from afar?'
'Let your ideas be second-hand, and if possible tenth-hand, for then they will be far removed from that disturbing element - direct observation'
E.M. Forster The Machine Stops
Nice one, Silas, but a slow heart in the dunes in midday sun is definitely game over.
"Writing is a struggle against silence."
--Carlos Fuentes
I think it is beautiful. I can see it.
Originally Posted by miyako73
Not necessarily. My heart rate can lower with my breaths.
Last edited by Silas Thorne; 05-12-2012 at 02:32 AM.
'Let your ideas be second-hand, and if possible tenth-hand, for then they will be far removed from that disturbing element - direct observation'
E.M. Forster The Machine Stops
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