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Thread: That First Fascination (with drawing)

  1. #1
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    That First Fascination (with drawing)

    Charred grass
    From a birdís eye view
    Spells her name

    The bird sees more

    Her perfume and the
    Indent of her collarbone

    Impenetrable wall
    of soaking brunette hair
    Playfully flipped
    It grapevines
    Her damn beautiful face
    That she hated

    All stapled to the places
    They shared hands
    Toothbrushes and faces

    What shouldíve

    in a honeymoon suite

    If only she hadnít tied the knot
    And laced it round her neck
    Attached Images Attached Images

  2. #2
    All are at the crossroads qimissung's Avatar
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    May 2008
    Lost in the bell's curve
    Blog Entries
    Interesting poem! Love the imagery.
    "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its' own reason for existing." ~ Albert Einstein
    "Remember, no matter where you go, there you are." Buckaroo Bonzai
    "Some people say I done alright for a girl." Melanie Safka

  3. #3
    Registered User miyako73's Avatar
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    May 2009
    Why did she kill herself? Very nice poem. I want more. I don't want the images, like in a short movie almost, to end. Thanks
    "You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same."

    --Jonathan Davis

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    Quote Originally Posted by miyako73 View Post
    Why did she kill herself? Very nice poem. I want more. I don't want the images, like in a short movie almost, to end. Thanks
    Bipolar and PTSD.

    (to answer question, not to say this is nonfiction - as the rope snapped, she broke her leg, and she is better now.)

  5. #5
    King of Dreams MorpheusSandman's Avatar
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    Feb 2008
    The Heart of the Dreaming
    I love the ambiguity of that penultimate line, and the fact that the final line radically alters how we read it is just a superb touch. I'm not a big fan of the more abstract imagery in a piece that ends so non-abstractly as this, though, because it prevents us from connecting to the situation at the start. I also don't like this:

    "What should’ve

    in a honeymoon suite"

    The paring of enjambment on the word "should've" and the double syntax of "Ended // in a honeymoon suite" broken by a stanza break is too much, almost as if you had ended it with ten exclamation marks. I would just put "What should've ended" on one line and "in a honeymoon suite" on another line. Or perhaps even consider breaking at "honeymoon" rather than at "ended," because giving "suite" its own line would move us from the idea of honeymoon to the location of the potential honeymoon, but the break between also suggests the intrusion of an event that prevents both. Just an idea.
    "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." --Carl Gustav Jung

    "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." --Neil Gaiman; The Sandman Vol. 4: Season of Mists

    "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" --The Proclaimers

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