Originally Posted by
Buh4Bee
simple grammar:
stanza 2, line 2: Before I be even formed - Before I ever was formed?
stanza 3, line 4: added not add?
The last stanza is bothersome to this reader with the change in perspective from I, he, she, they. I understand what you mean, but as a device it doesn’t seem to work. The perspective change isn’t affectively adding any extra layers or deeper meaning to the poem, that I can see. Maybe you are open to explain why you are writing this way. Overll, I think it takes away from the smooth flow of the sequence. Again, sadly, I am not sure how to tell you how to rework this.
The third stanza loses me with lines 3 and 4. What “will” are you talking about? It’s somewhat mysterious and maybe that is your intent.
I really enjoyed the idea of the moon as a metaphor for the light that they shine on each other as a symbol of their romantic a romantic love or attraction.
Again, I think the first stanza is the strongest and you may have benefited from giving it a little more time to work. BUT I understand the excitement of wanting to post a finished poem. By no means, is this fluff. I feel that you conveyed some well-formed ideas, but it is in the execution that they lose their strength. Writing well is very difficult. It takes great skill, intelligence, perseverence, and talent. Keep at it!