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Thread: Love Poem 72

  1. #1
    ShadowsCool ShadowsCool's Avatar
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    Love Poem 72

    In the beauteous light I saw her nature
    Not as a goddess on tremulous seas
    But as a crypt that held a message
    Opening a light to my very being.

    From the days of dawn
    Before I be even formed
    I was invoked to wander
    To her gravitas lea.

    That very essence of attraction
    Like some nourishment I seek
    By a will that I should see
    Her very half add to me.

    Just as the moon has no light of its own
    A reflection of the beauty he is shown,
    Therefore her in I is as natural
    As the beam back to the beam
    And they are one.
    shad·ow ing

  2. #2
    Original Poster Buh4Bee's Avatar
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    This poem has several problems, but I can't take the time to explain currently. Sorry, ordinarily, I'd just wait to post later, but I wanted to share my witch notion. This woman makes me think of some wild witch, running around in tunnels and caves or such dark places as a crypt evokes. I suppose because she seems to be without a body as you describe her in terms of her essence and nature.

  3. #3
    Original Poster Buh4Bee's Avatar
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    simple grammar:

    stanza 2, line 2: Before I be even formed - Before I ever was formed?

    stanza 3, line 4: added not add?


    The last stanza is bothersome to this reader with the change in perspective from I, he, she, they. I understand what you mean, but as a device it doesn’t seem to work. The perspective change isn’t affectively adding any extra layers or deeper meaning to the poem, that I can see. Maybe you are open to explain why you are writing this way. Overll, I think it takes away from the smooth flow of the sequence. Again, sadly, I am not sure how to tell you how to rework this.

    The third stanza loses me with lines 3 and 4. What “will” are you talking about? It’s somewhat mysterious and maybe that is your intent.

    I really enjoyed the idea of the moon as a metaphor for the light that they shine on each other as a symbol of their romantic a romantic love or attraction.

    Again, I think the first stanza is the strongest and you may have benefited from giving it a little more time to work. BUT I understand the excitement of wanting to post a finished poem. By no means, is this fluff. I feel that you conveyed some well-formed ideas, but it is in the execution that they lose their strength. Writing well is very difficult. It takes great skill, intelligence, perseverence, and talent. Keep at it!

  4. #4
    ShadowsCool ShadowsCool's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buh4Bee View Post
    simple grammar:

    stanza 2, line 2: Before I be even formed - Before I ever was formed?

    stanza 3, line 4: added not add?


    The last stanza is bothersome to this reader with the change in perspective from I, he, she, they. I understand what you mean, but as a device it doesn’t seem to work. The perspective change isn’t affectively adding any extra layers or deeper meaning to the poem, that I can see. Maybe you are open to explain why you are writing this way. Overll, I think it takes away from the smooth flow of the sequence. Again, sadly, I am not sure how to tell you how to rework this.

    The third stanza loses me with lines 3 and 4. What “will” are you talking about? It’s somewhat mysterious and maybe that is your intent.

    I really enjoyed the idea of the moon as a metaphor for the light that they shine on each other as a symbol of their romantic a romantic love or attraction.

    Again, I think the first stanza is the strongest and you may have benefited from giving it a little more time to work. BUT I understand the excitement of wanting to post a finished poem. By no means, is this fluff. I feel that you conveyed some well-formed ideas, but it is in the execution that they lose their strength. Writing well is very difficult. It takes great skill, intelligence, perseverence, and talent. Keep at it!
    Thanks. One thing I learned about writing is you can always get better. Some poems I write stump me. They come out jumbled. I know what I want to say but I don't say it correctly. Other poems come out great, like the way I want them. I'm sure all writers have had this throughout history.

    Part of the problem with writing poetry is some are gonna suck, no matter the effort you put into them. This may be the case with this. I tried but it wasn't good enough. So I move on to the next one and hope I learned and make it better.

    Thanks Buhbee for taking the time and effort to explain its problems. Believe me, that helps!
    Last edited by ShadowsCool; 05-10-2012 at 11:03 PM.
    shad·ow ing

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