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Thread: Goodbyes

  1. #1
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Goodbyes

    One day I'll see you again,
    pushing your way
    through a busy supermarket,
    the only girl with a wonky wheel
    that never quite steers
    in the right direction.

    And in the fruit 'n veg section,
    bunches of green bananas
    will make us both laugh
    because one day,
    they too will be perfect.
    Last edited by Delta40; 05-10-2012 at 04:49 AM.
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

  2. #2
    The puddytat you saw Hawkman's Avatar
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    I'm a bit confused by this one Delta. First the thread title seems to have a very tentative connection to the poem's theme while the first line reads like the title. But it also feels as though it wants to flow more fluidly into the verse. I kind of want to replace the full stop with a comma and delete the "you" at the beginning of the stanza. Also I'm not sure if the wonky wheel is supposed to be a euphamism for something else, some habitual or enduring condition perhaps, either physical or mental, and if physical, the reference to the bananas; "...one day, they will be perfect too," makes me wonder how that condition could be alleviated. I guess the perfect condition for the bananas is ripeness, but how is it applied to the 'other' in the poem?

    All that said, apart from the intro, it does read very well. Certainly gives one something to think about.

    Live and be well - H
    Oh no, not again...

  3. #3
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Is that better? It's more about despite our flaws, love is blind
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

  4. #4
    The puddytat you saw Hawkman's Avatar
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    Yes it reads more fluidly, but to me at least, there's no hint of anything other than a casual acquaintence indicated between the narrator and the girl. Of course, the fact that I know the author is female does colour my idea of what sex the narrator is, which probably does make a bit of a difference But generally, the tone of the poem is very detached, almost observational, so there's no conveyance of emotion implied between the two people. Consequently it doesn't work for me as a love poem about parting, either wistful or passionate. What's missing is a context. I think if the title were Goodbye, rather than the more general plural, it would go some way to providing this. When you explained the context, it made sense to me.

    Live long and prosper H
    Last edited by Hawkman; 05-10-2012 at 05:13 AM.
    Oh no, not again...

  5. #5
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    You could be right. I'm pretty choked up right now.
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

  6. #6
    ShadowsCool ShadowsCool's Avatar
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    I think it's fine the way it is.
    When I first read it I thought you were
    the girl with the wonky wheel.
    Then I read it again and saw
    it was the other person.
    Either way, I like the images,
    And the way the bananas mark a perfection
    of time.
    shad·ow ing

  7. #7
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Thanks Shadows. It was hard to leave that girl behind this morning.
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

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