Liberty, Freedom and Death

[Silas Thorne]

Let's bless the stable, free and proud,
don't stop to question where or why.
The troops march on into the crowd,
the old say things to do or die.

Mirror,mirror on the wall,
a fire's burning in the hall...

There's ravens wheeling in our tears,
dogs crack their bones inside our throats,
there are some things that arms can't heal
and can't be stopped by fearful thoughts.

Mirror,mirror on the wall,
a fire's burning in the hall,
and hounds are calling in the night...

What's cheap and easy has its bite,
the world's aflame with freedom's cost.
To take up arms is just to fight?
This war is won, this war is lost.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
a fire's burning in the hall
and hounds are calling in the night.
I'll not go down without a fight.

[Hawkman]

Hi Silas,

The first line threw me a bit, I kept wondering why you wanted to bless the building where the horses were kept - lol. I feel the last line of the first stanza is a bit weak.

"the old say things to do or die." Maybe, "we/you should" would fit better in context.

In S3 I'd suggest replacing the second can't with won't. Throats and thoughts don't really rhyme: votes might be better than thoughts. I like the slow reveal of the last verse you've incorporated as a progressing refrain.

Live and be well - H

[Silas Thorne]

Thanks a lot for your perceptive feedback, Hawkman.

Hi Silas,
The first line threw me a bit, I kept wondering why you wanted to bless the building where the horses were kept - lol.

Oh dear! I see what you mean, there. ack2:

I feel the last line of the first stanza is a bit weak.

"the old say things to do or die." Maybe, "we/you should" would fit better in context.

Yes quite right.Originally I thought of 'rules' instead of 'things'. But rules are made to follow or not. I'll think of something else.

In S3 I'd suggest replacing the second can't with won't. Throats and thoughts don't really rhyme: votes might be better than thoughts. I like the slow reveal of the last verse you've incorporated as a progressing refrain.

Live and be well - H

Yes, you are right that thoughts probably isn't a good match for throats, especially since the other rhymes in this poem are true rhymes. But I'm not sure about 'votes' here. Will think of something here too.
Thanks also for the positive comment on the refrain. I might experiment with this kind of thing later on.