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Thread: Seizure

  1. #1
    Registered User cogs's Avatar
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    Seizure

    Winter invaded and pillaged,
    Yellow and red made him jealous,
    Kidnapped the harvest of candy--
    Autumn left hungry and shieldless.

    Refugee heat absconded, when
    Icy caesar usurped the throne;
    Crystalline scepter brandished cold--
    Stole the breath as it chilled the bone.

    Sky falls, white ash
    Thick bergs, slow lake
    Gray cast, scarce food
    Full branch, clear stakes,
    Ice

    ____________________
    the format changed the last stanza,
    that was spaced out longer and longer.
    Last edited by cogs; 05-10-2012 at 09:40 AM.

  2. #2
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    I really like this cogs. It took me a couple of reads to get the feel of it though. In the second line I'd make the colours singular as two words ending in s in such close proximity aren't great. Besides, the sense of the line would be improved. some punctuation would help guide the reader though:

    "Winter invaded and pillaged,
    Yellow and red made him jealous,
    Kidnapped the harvest of candy--
    Autumn left hungry and shieldless.

    Refugee heat absconded, when
    Icy caesar usurped the throne;
    Crystalline scepter brandished cold--
    Stole the breath as it chilled the bone.

    Sky falls, white ash
    Thick bergs, slow lake
    Gray cast, scarce food
    Full branch, clear stakes,
    Ice"

    The last stanza could be dispensed with as it doesn't match the pattern of the preceeding ones and they conclude naturally. I kind of feel that the last stanza, with a bit of a tweak, could function quite well as a short in its own right.

    Really good offering, Thanks

    Live and be well - H
    Last edited by Hawkman; 05-10-2012 at 06:21 AM.

  3. #3
    ShadowsCool ShadowsCool's Avatar
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    Good points by Hawkman.
    Punctuation makes a clear difference
    to an excellent poem.
    shad·ow ing

  4. #4
    Registered User cogs's Avatar
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    hawkman, you live up to your name, with that hawk's eye - you only sculpt my poem to be better. with the spacing technique, i was going for a gradual slowdown... that was the only way to justify the last stanza... it was originally going to be a longer poem... i guess i opted for a shortcut. maybe later i'll think of a better ending, since, with the preceding stanzas, it doesn't seem to have a satisfying conclusion.

    shadows, thank you!
    Last edited by cogs; 05-10-2012 at 09:49 AM.

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