What To Notice

[firefangled]

the burned hollow trunk
filled with sky

grass catching wind
to make a voice

how needles hold ice
like a secret

revealed in drops
of proclamations

that rise
like a silent prayer

a cloud small and singular
refusing to fall

[Hawkman]

Hi ff. I'm not sure how much you intended stanzas 3,4 and 5 to read as a progression. If you did intend this, then I'd suggest replacing "that rise", with "rising". regardless of the flow, I feel the s should be dropped on "proclamations". "drops of proclamation" sounds better to my ear. Love, "the burned hollow trunk filled with sky." Can't quite get my head around needles holding ice though. I read this as ice holding needles first time round, which kind of made sense to me. Love the payoff.

You always give me something to think about.

live and be well - H

[Jack of Hearts]

There's something to be said for economy:

the burned hollow trunk
filled with sky

Here's this reader's favorite example in the whole piece. You have this habit of writing lines that stick around in the mind even over the duration of an entire year. This, like your flowers on the piano or the thorn prick/drop of blood that reveals the snake in waiting, is gonna be one of them.





J

[Delta40]

I read it as needles of grass holding ice so it wasn't a problem for me FF. Given the title of the poem, the reader must stop and focus, envision each image and savour the progressive journey you have created for us.

Great work!

[firefangled]

I lived in North Carolina for 20 years. If you've ever seen pine needles after an ice storm, you will never forget how they look. Next day in the cold sunlight the pine needles let the ice go often drop by drop.

Thanks Hawk, Jack and Delta for your comments. Much appreciated.

[cogs]

i lean toward the secret as the most interesting. in fact, every line is interesting and mysterious, leaving questions.

[Hawkman]

I lived in North Carolina for 20 years. If you've ever seen pine needles after an ice storm, you will never forget how they look. Next day in the cold sunlight the pine needles let the ice go often drop by drop.

Ahh.... If you'd said pine needles I'd have got the point right away - I was picturing little slivers of seel with holes in the end - lol. By the by, "Drops and proclamations" might be the best option.

Live and be well - H

[Silas Thorne]

Great work, firefangled. You've really pared things down here to their basics. This is probably just your point, to get the reader to pay more attention to the spirit of the natural world.
In what may be a misreading, I see this poem as presenting the voices of nature indicating their determination to remain the same despite temporary changes. Right, I'm off to visit G.M. Hopkins at Inversnaid!