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Thread: What To Notice

  1. #1
    feathers firefangled's Avatar
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    What To Notice

    the burned hollow trunk
    filled with sky

    grass catching wind
    to make a voice

    how needles hold ice
    like a secret

    revealed in drops
    of proclamations

    that rise
    like a silent prayer

    a cloud small and singular
    refusing to fall

  2. #2
    The puddytat you saw Hawkman's Avatar
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    Hi ff. I'm not sure how much you intended stanzas 3,4 and 5 to read as a progression. If you did intend this, then I'd suggest replacing "that rise", with "rising". regardless of the flow, I feel the s should be dropped on "proclamations". "drops of proclamation" sounds better to my ear. Love, "the burned hollow trunk filled with sky." Can't quite get my head around needles holding ice though. I read this as ice holding needles first time round, which kind of made sense to me. Love the payoff.

    You always give me something to think about.

    live and be well - H
    Oh no, not again...

  3. #3
    There's something to be said for economy:

    the burned hollow trunk
    filled with sky
    Here's this reader's favorite example in the whole piece. You have this habit of writing lines that stick around in the mind even over the duration of an entire year. This, like your flowers on the piano or the thorn prick/drop of blood that reveals the snake in waiting, is gonna be one of them.





    J

  4. #4
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    I read it as needles of grass holding ice so it wasn't a problem for me FF. Given the title of the poem, the reader must stop and focus, envision each image and savour the progressive journey you have created for us.

    Great work!
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

  5. #5
    feathers firefangled's Avatar
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    I lived in North Carolina for 20 years. If you've ever seen pine needles after an ice storm, you will never forget how they look. Next day in the cold sunlight the pine needles let the ice go often drop by drop.

    Thanks Hawk, Jack and Delta for your comments. Much appreciated.

  6. #6
    Registered User cogs's Avatar
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    i lean toward the secret as the most interesting. in fact, every line is interesting and mysterious, leaving questions.

  7. #7
    The puddytat you saw Hawkman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by firefangled View Post
    I lived in North Carolina for 20 years. If you've ever seen pine needles after an ice storm, you will never forget how they look. Next day in the cold sunlight the pine needles let the ice go often drop by drop.
    Ahh.... If you'd said pine needles I'd have got the point right away - I was picturing little slivers of seel with holes in the end - lol. By the by, "Drops and proclamations" might be the best option.

    Live and be well - H
    Oh no, not again...

  8. #8
    Wild is the Wind Silas Thorne's Avatar
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    Great work, firefangled. You've really pared things down here to their basics. This is probably just your point, to get the reader to pay more attention to the spirit of the natural world.
    In what may be a misreading, I see this poem as presenting the voices of nature indicating their determination to remain the same despite temporary changes. Right, I'm off to visit G.M. Hopkins at Inversnaid!
    '...the rain
    is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
    Upon the glass and listen for reply'

    Edna St. Vincent Millay, 'What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why'

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