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Thread: Two Butterflies

  1. #1
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Two Butterflies


    Two Butterflies


    Two butterflies cavorting
    with the breeze
    flitter together
    determined to an apple tree

    The periwinkle flowers, yet
    sparse, demand review -
    but it's the lilac
    that reigns supreme; renewed

    Amongst the lilac's blossoms
    and their heavenly scent
    the wood bees co-mingle
    with the honeybee
    and the bumble as -

    Two butterflies
    cavorting with the breeze
    flitter together determined
    to an apple tree

    5/7/2012



    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor STATELY
    Last edited by tailor STATELY; 05-07-2012 at 08:23 PM. Reason: ; instead of ,
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

  2. #2
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    So refreshing and light, Stately, you did my morning! thanks a lot!

  3. #3
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Thank you Bar22do !

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor STATELY
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

  4. #4
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    what a beautiful visual poem STATELY
    very nice and thank you!!
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  5. #5
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Thank you cacian !

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor STATELY
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

  6. #6
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    Hello tS: nice to see you around.

    A nice spring poem filled with scents and flowers. But I'm pulled up a bit by your use of, "determined to". Determined on would make more sense in context. The line break in S2 L1 is kind of unsympathetic, the natural place to put it would be after flowers with the 'yet' mainting the rhythm in L2, also in L3, the contraction of "it is" puts the rhythm of the stanza a beat out.

    In S3, L1 the two soft end stresses, lilac's blossoms , isn't good. lilac blossom, or lilac's blossom, would be better in context and would avoid the pairing of two words with soft sibilant endings. Isn't Blossoms a transitive verb anyway, with blossom being also a collective noun?. But do you need to mention the lilac in this verse at all? At the end of the previous verse you single out the lilac saying it reigns supreme, so all you really need say is, "amongst its blossom."

    The last three lines of this stanza could be contracted neetly and rhythmically into two:

    "the wood bee co-mingles
    with the honeybee and bumble, as -"


    which would maintain a four line stanza pattern. As you can see I've also made wood bee single, as it matches better with the two subsequent bee references.

    Notwithstanding, it is a very pleasant read and uplifting poem.

    live and be well - H

  7. #7
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Howdy Hawkman !

    Nearly always around; mostly games and the occasional poetry contests. Been reading the poem posts and comments much more diligently than posting and commenting. Wonderful community (barring contentions).

    Agree with most of your critique. Here's a possible edit:

    Two Butterflies


    Two butterflies
    cavorting with the breeze
    flitter together, determined,
    to an apple tree

    The periwinkle flowers,
    yet sparse, demand review -
    but it's the heady lilac
    that reigns supreme; renewed

    Amongst its blossoms
    and their heavenly scent
    the wood bee co-mingles with
    the honeybee and bumble, as -

    Two butterflies
    cavorting with the breeze
    flitter together, determined,
    to an apple tree

    5/7/2012 r.5/8/2012
    I kept "blossoms" because my lilacs have many collections of blossom(s), if that makes sense. I like the comma after "bumble" and added a few 'round "determined" to see if it makes more sense.

    Nearly 5 a.m. here. Time for some shuteye.

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor STATELY
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

  8. #8
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    Definitely an improvement, and the delimiting of determined with commas makes it's sense apparent, but it does put an unwelcome caesura in the line. Subjectively, I just don't think determined is the right word to use The stanza is written in present tense and determined can be read as a past participle so it jars in the sense of the line. It would be less ambiguous as "determined to reach" but it just gets clumsy, and anyway it's a multi syllabic word when a single syllable would read more fluidly. I'd go for:

    "Two butterflies
    cavorting with the breeze,
    strive and flitter
    to an apple tree"

    However, Blossom is still plural and, "its blossoms" is as undesirable as lilac's blossoms - with the successive soft, sibilant stresses.

    Ultimately, though, it's your poem. I'm just throwing alternatives around for you to think about.

    Live and be well - H

  9. #9
    Registered User cogs's Avatar
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    'determined, to an apple tree' doesn't seem to explain the butterflies' intent. also, i don't know in what way the lilac is 'renewed'. i first read it as the bees are from the wood(s), particularly the honey and bumble bees. i enjoyed your poem's lightness, alliteration, and final simile. i could see the images, thank you.

  10. #10
    Original Poster Buh4Bee's Avatar
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    It is your poem, but I liked the last suggestion from Hawkman. The action of strive and flitter gives a better visual than "determined". The meaning is clear.

    Otherwise a very nice job on the edits. Lilacs are such a marvelous source of inspiration. I enjoyed your poem.

  11. #11
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Still a work in progress.

    Thank you cogs for the suggestion of "intent" and Buh4Bee for your input. I've used my lilacs as a source for a poem before; and they are at their height of excellence now as opposed to my periwinkles which seem to be lagging in their abundance of bloom. Of course my grand-daughter may be availing the flowers for garlands again... but I don't think that's the case. Oh, wood bees are distinct from bumbles and honey bees here in Cali... they are large like the bumble but all black.

    As an aside, dear Emily D. was never satisfied with her "Two Butterflies" - but then she didn't have the luxury of a poetry community to bounce ideas off of.

    My latest edit with thanks to all:

    Two Butterflies


    Two butterflies
    cavorting with the breeze
    flitter together intent upon
    a distant apple tree

    The periwinkle flowers,
    yet sparse, demand review -
    but it's the heady lilac
    that reigns supremely renewed

    Among the blossoms
    and their heavenly scent
    the wood bee commingles with
    the honey and bumblebee, as -

    Two butterflies
    cavorting with the breeze
    flitter together intent upon
    a distant apple tree

    5/7/2012 r.5/8/2012

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor STATELY
    Last edited by tailor STATELY; 05-08-2012 at 10:36 PM. Reason: one more comment
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

  12. #12
    Registered User cogs's Avatar
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    oh, with your post, i get what you mean about 'renewed'. i now understand how the butterflies and bees are so attracted to the 'heady' scent. also, i see how you're contrasting the periwinkles' sparsity with the abundance of lilac. how do the butterflies respond to so much 'heady' lilac? this could make the 4th line in the 2nd stanza.

  13. #13
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    I'll have to give that some thought cogs. It was from the lilacs that the butterflies (Monarchs in this case) began their journey from.

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor STATELY
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

  14. #14
    feathers firefangled's Avatar
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    I like the rhthym of this. It makes me feel the unpredictable settling and lifting of butterflies as they make their determined way. Nicely done.

  15. #15
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Thank you firefangled !

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor STATELY
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

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