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Thread: El Cheapo World

  1. #1
    riding a cosmic vortex MystyrMystyry's Avatar
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    El Cheapo World

    We're having a party on our premises
    We'd be most happy if you can make it
    To our main factory of Broken Promises
    The home of You Buy It You'll Break It

    To help us celebrate we'd be delighted
    Just so overjoyed if you can be here
    This rare occasion you've been invited
    To mark our landmark seventieth year

    The Palace of Flimsy will open its doors
    We'll have all of our products on show
    Feel free to browse, and append orders
    If you like we'll wrap it shiny with bow

    This of course, in case you can't guess,
    To disguise an item's questionable value
    Naturally we'll assume you're clueless
    It's easier that way for both us and you

    We're the ones who invented second rate
    You're well aware our wares never do
    While our return policy carries no weight
    Near misses, jutting edges, cheap glue

    The dubious quality control you will find
    Is our hallmark, 'Try this new green tomato
    Device - it'll never function, but only grind
    To a smoking halt' (the corporate motto)

    Whatever you're after you'll find it here:
    Zippers that slide and stick at the bottom
    Bottle openers that snap cracking a beer
    Some flat leaky batteries - we got 'em

    Buttons that snare, shoelaces that fray
    New clocks that stop, televisions explode
    Weird, we just can't give this stuff away
    But give it a price, we'll be sure to unload







    .
    Last edited by MystyrMystyry; 05-05-2012 at 06:03 AM.

  2. #2
    The puddytat you saw Hawkman's Avatar
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    MM, this is very funny but I do wish you'd settle on a consistant rhythm. "It don't mean a thing, if it ain't got that swing" - LOL The thing just doesn't scan between one line and the next, and it so wants to...

    But it is very funny

    Live and be well - H
    Oh no, not again...

  3. #3
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    Hehe...I enjoyed this piece, I like the humour and the lighteness in which it is being expressed almost in a naive fun way haha. I enjoyed the rich language and the variety of words!!
    Thank you MystyrMystyr.
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  4. #4
    riding a cosmic vortex MystyrMystyry's Avatar
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    Thanks Hawk I wish you hadn't said 'it so wants to [scan]' - I put a lot of extra effort in making sure it didn't, to reinforce its, ya know, El Cheapo-ness

  5. #5
    riding a cosmic vortex MystyrMystyry's Avatar
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    No no - thankyou Cacian. Very much

  6. #6
    King of Dreams MorpheusSandman's Avatar
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    Hehe, very clever... I know some shops like that! I agree with Hawk about the rhythm being a bit all over the place. As a general rule, it's not so bad when you aren't using rhyme, but end-rhymes create a set-up and expectation that is fulfilled by the rhythm, similar to a melody's relation to the rhythm. Knock the rhythm off and you lose the melody too. One piece of advice is that you can get away with extra syllables if you're writing accentual tetrameter (four stresses per line), but adding that fifth beat seems to make it so one either needs to write in blank verse (no rhyme) or pretty consistent iambs. You have places here where it seems to shift back and forth between accentual tetrameters ("To mark our landmark seventieth year" is perfect iambic tetrameter) and iambic pentameter ("To help us celebrate we'd be delighted" is iambic pentameter with a feminine ending).
    "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." --Carl Gustav Jung

    "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." --Neil Gaiman; The Sandman Vol. 4: Season of Mists

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  7. #7
    Beyond the world aliengirl's Avatar
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    Lol! This should be read by my cousin who is a big sucker for El-Cheapo-ness.

    Quote Originally Posted by MystyrMystyry View Post
    Thanks Hawk I wish you hadn't said 'it so wants to [scan]' - I put a lot of extra effort in making sure it didn't, to reinforce its, ya know, El Cheapo-ness
    Do you mean that you really didn't want to have a regular rhythm? Hmmm... that's gives it another angle but while reading the poem I wished it would maintain a regular beat. Your diction and humour ask for it.
    I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's. ~ William Blake

    Captivity is consciousness,
    So's liberty. ~ Emily Dickinson

  8. #8
    Entertaining as usual. Sounds like some stuff I've bought over here in China. An alarm clock that doesn't work you say? Sure, we have those. I've downloaded an alarm clock, real loud, 7 AM sucks.

  9. #9
    riding a cosmic vortex MystyrMystyry's Avatar
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    Thanks Morph

    Maybe I'll rewrite it (if I haven't already). Should give me a chance to include the stuff I left out for this version

  10. #10
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Heh heh - Does this make you an El Cheapo Poet?
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

  11. #11
    riding a cosmic vortex MystyrMystyry's Avatar
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    Thankyou Alien Girl

    I guess I'm just a bit guilty of overdoing things. I've always been that way - sometimes my self-critical valve works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it gets stuck right in between: is it on? Is it off? What's it doing exactly?

    This last state usually happens about 5 am when I didn't get any sleep the night before - and I'd gladly trade the creativity for sleep, but sleep just doesn't come. What to do???

  12. #12
    riding a cosmic vortex MystyrMystyry's Avatar
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    Thankyou Jajdude

    Broken alarm clocks you say?!? Where can I buy one?

  13. #13
    riding a cosmic vortex MystyrMystyry's Avatar
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    Thankyou for reading Delta - I didn't notice your comment as I was replying to the others.

    I live near an El Cheapo and I was flabbergasted at the sheer amount and type of 'stuff' on sale, mindboggling if you try to think of all the separate industries that must make it. Here it was all in the same place all at once - I imagined perhaps a central building of demonic designers and - then: do they outsource? Or is it their own factory deep underground with goblins working through the night? (the other version)

  14. #14
    Beyond the world aliengirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MystyrMystyry View Post
    Thankyou Alien Girl

    I guess I'm just a bit guilty of overdoing things. I've always been that way - sometimes my self-critical valve works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it gets stuck right in between: is it on? Is it off? What's it doing exactly?
    Don't worry. My self-critical valve (I love this phrase) always over-works, suppressing creativity that should come out more often. Yours works just fine.

    This last state usually happens about 5 am when I didn't get any sleep the night before - and I'd gladly trade the creativity for sleep, but sleep just doesn't come. What to do???
    See a physician! No, I'm not kidding. It is serious.
    Take care MM.
    I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's. ~ William Blake

    Captivity is consciousness,
    So's liberty. ~ Emily Dickinson

  15. #15
    riding a cosmic vortex MystyrMystyry's Avatar
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    Thanks for caring Alien Girl, but I'm okay mostly (and scared to bits of doctors - never know what else they might find )

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