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Thread: My first short story, Stranded

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    Registered User michaelsbearre's Avatar
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    Apr 2012

    Angry My first short story, Stranded

    Here is a lengthy short story featured off my website.

    This is a long read (4800 words) and 7 1/2 print pages long. Been awhile since I looked at it, so any feed back is welcome. Just please be thorough. (The structure is a little goofed up from copy and paste. SORRY!) This is a horror piece and is not intended for the feint of heart. This is re-edited. I failed to specify what kind of feed back which is my fault. This is a exercise in which I am trying to maintain first person view through out the entire story. AND that's pretty much it. If I fail to keep you hooked, please post as to why or pm me. Which ever works for you.


    I can’t believe we’ve been in this desert for nearly three hours. I think it’s been three hours, hard to tell what time it is when this unbearable heat suffocating my skin. Beads of sweat seem to be all I can see on the motionless hands of a heat stricken watch. A mocking breeze reminds how hot really is as try to wrap our heads around how to get our of this forsaken wasteland. I told Jeremiah this wasn’t a good idea, but no one listens to the computer nerd…NO ONE. It’s so much like him to shake his cocky head, wave his cocky arms-prepared for a fight.
    Keep kicking the dirt you bastard, you’re the one who stranded us here.

    “You *******! You said we would have been long gone two hours ago and we’re still here!” Her annoying voice beckons as she contests him for a confrontation.

    “Sorry *****! Jes’ waitin on tha car ta cool down…geesh woman, calm the hell down.” He replies hanging his head wondering what we're wondering. At least we have water, plenty of water, enough water to swim in. Oh wait, never-mind; that was a stupid idea pitched by me long ago at the gas station sixty miles down the road, the same stupid road reflecting no signs of anyone coming for miles. Absolutely no one, not even a damn dust ball has crossed the road. Just the mere dirt stinging our sweat prone faces. Only sort of protection and source of shade comes from my tiny frail hands. Not much protection, just enough to block my eyes.

    “You peoples should keep your mouths shut” I said, more offensive than a suggestion.

    “Screw you man, screw you!” Jeremiah replies as his head continues to hang in a regret he refuses to admit.

    “Hey dumb ***, so your mouth doesn’t dry out.”

    “Oh…I so totally did not know that!” His noisome girlfriend idiotically responds.

    “Wouldn’t expect someone as intelligent as you to know much of anything.”

    “Aww, thank you for the compliment!” She foolishly replies. Are you stupid? That wasn’t a compliment.

    “Maybe we should consider walking?” I suggest, hoping for a willful response.

    “Pft, we’ll just wait until night, start the car and drive off.” Jeremiah confidently says as he looks down on the smoking engine billowing smoke in his face.

    “Oh yeah, that thing looks so drivable…idiot.” A brain dead monkey could tell you that thing vehicle going to drive. That SUV isn’t going to get us anywhere, we must walk. Something all of us dread in this punishing heat.

    “If you really think it’s worth waiting for…” I carelessly reply, as if my opinions matter.

    Hours hopelessly melt into the sun bathed day as sweat soaks my clothes, staining my khaki shorts and baby blue polo shirt.
    At least it won’t stain my brown hair, can’t get much browner. My skin however has become sensitive to the touch. Each grain of sand, beating against me as if it were glass. The slightest touch of anything sends my nerves into a frenzy.
    Be cool! Be cool! My body begs as it begins to ache, cramps knotting my thighs just above the knees.

    How’s it go? You’re officially dehydrated once you stop sweating? Well, I must have awhile to go because I’m drenched, and I know Jeremiah and Kacey can smell it. A big nuggie should do the trick, but I’d be no match against his pure muscular body. (Like a freak really, muscles bulging from muscles.) I swear when he gets kinky with Kacey, her head has got to be two romps away from bursting through the wall.
    Finally, the sun falls before the moon. Ushering this death trap into a peaceful slumber. When you live your entire life within the jungle of New York City, something as bright as a star is rarely, if ever seen. Smog and pollution make such things impossible.

    So moments like this come easy to enjoy, much like a sweet candy. Softly, the wind kisses my chilling skin as the night settles as the moon hides behind the swarming clouds blanketing the few rays of moonlight that scream from the surrounding night. Moments like these make me wish I had the money to buy a cell phone, never the less a damn calling card. I suppose they serve no purpose when you’ve been an orphan your whole life and have few to no friends. In reality, Jeremiah and Kacey are all I really have-a scary thought to burden my heart in the middle of night.


    It’s a blinding sight, the piercing white of a sun bleached desert. First thing I recall as I awoke from a sleepless night. Rocks and dirt blowing up my nose isn’t exactly my thing, as if it mattered.

    “Why are we still here?” I struggle to ask, fighting the dryness cracking my voice.

    “Dude, ****’s wrecked man. We aint goin no where…” Jeremiah mutters as he sits at the sidewalls of the tires that haven’t budged since mid yesterday.

    “Yeah, we’re goin nowhere…” Kacey also says as she sips on a half empty bottle of water. Possibly the last bottle in this sixty mile radius.

    “Kacey, please tell me there’s more water.” I ask, afraid of the consequence of her stupidity.

    “That was our last one, but it’s gone now. I drinked it all.”

    “You snatch trap, we’re stuck in the middle of no where and you’re drinking all the water like it’s money,” I started my rant, stemming more from hunger and thirst than actually irritation of the escalading situation on hand.

    “Dude, shut the hell up. We’ll be alright, all we gots’ ta do is get out!” Jeremiah starts to preach, as if he actually has some sort of plan. I don’t think his feeble mind could burden the complexity of a fathoming escape plan that consists of nothing more than left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, and repeat until you find civilization.

    “Well, whatcha’ gonna do? Can’t just wait here, we’ve already wasted a day.”

    “Dude, I know. We’ll wait till night and travel when it’s cool.”

    “Yeah, travel when all the apex predators hunt. You clearly know what to do.” I reply mocking his foolish plan. If the coyotes aren’t chewing our asses off, the sun will be hanging just over head baking us to death. Either way, each day that passes without food and water will eventually lead us all to one fate.

    “Alright, so we sit here and wait.” Kacey asks as she wipes her sweat soaked hair behind her beat red sun burnt ears. “I had this dream that this thing with blue eyes kept watching me as I slept…crazy **** man.”

    “Jes tha heat woman.” Jeremiah says in exhaustion, ignoring her concern.

    “At least you get to look at the hottest thing in the desert!” He wit fully cheers as he peels his sweat stained shirt from his ripped body.

    “Yeah! But who wants to stare at the sun…Oh you should keep your shirt on man, all that sweat keeps you cool to an extent.” I suggest, and as always is ignored.

    “Shut up dude, my shirt is nasty. I aint wearin that ***** no more.” More concerned with the sunlight reflecting off his pecks than staying alive is obliviously a wise decision. Idiot. Not much to do in the middle of the desert, I suppose we could play “I spy” but that would be too easy because I spy two idiots right in front of me. Before I realized it, the scorching day cooled into a chilly night and now it’s time to leave. Didn’t pack much so there isn’t really anything at all to carry. Just a second glance at the broken down piece of **** that got us here.

    “Take a last look. We aint gonna be back.” Jeremiah says as he takes Kacey under his arm.

    “You see a coyote or a bear or my ex girlfriend, you run like hell.” I playfully demand but a long glare followed by a dismissing notion was my only response. And so our journey into the desolate desert begins.


    No such thing as winding hills, mountains, or even a slight twinkle of a hidden lake surface during our lonesome walk to nowhere. No such thing as a map, just a shrinking hope that all will be okay. Patiently we walk through the dust blown wind ravaging our ankles and legs, and relentlessly, we travel through the night graced with the reflection of the moonlight grazing upon this white desert. Nothing can hide, no surprises, all given away from the tattletale moonlight.
    It’s been countless hours since we started this endless journey. Yet all I can see is a never ending desert taunting me. Behind me, all that I can see is a slight replica of all that’s before me.
    Did we even make any progress? I wonder. Hard to tell when everything looks the same. North, South, West, East, all the same thing. It’s easy to tell that my fellow companions are tired as well. Jeremiahs buckling knees and Kacey’s panting mouth are dead giveaways.

    “Oh my gosh, we need to stop and take a breather. Seriously, sit down everyone.” I suggest and shocking to my surprise, they listened! For once in my pathetic life, they listened.

    “Even at night this trek is a *****.” Jeremiah says as his head hangs on Kacey’s sun touched shoulder.

    “Well... we’re in the middle of damn no where. What do you expect?” Kacey grumbles trying to desperately muffle her chattering jaw. Got drenched in sweat and now that it’s in the high fifties, we’re freezing to death. Can’t win for losin I suppose. “Let’s just nap…All of us…Just nap…Till the sun wakes us up, then we go out once more…” Her crackling voice suggests, but we can’t rest here. We’re sitting ducks, one of us would surely get killed.

    “Alright, Jeremiah and I sleep, and you keep guard. Ok? Alright! Sounds like a done deal!” I didn’t give her much time to think, never the less agree. Stupidity is incredibly easy to take advantage of at times.

    “Uh, okay?” Was all she could muster as Jeremiah slowly slides to the cold dusty ground and lays his head to rest amongst his sticky palms.

    “Yeah, we’ll just keep walking in absolutely no direction tomorrow baby.” He chuckles as he playfully traces her athletic body. “You’ll see, we’ll be alright.” His withering voice continues to speak until the dusts of sleep crept within his tiresome body. Out like a light, Jeremiah snores loud into the night ignoring the threat lurking within this barren wasteland. Perhaps now would be a good time for me to find some sleep as well…maybe…


    “Marcus! Wake up dude!” A thundering voice shouts into my ears, ripping me from my partial slumber. “She’s gone! Kacey is gone!” He continues to shout as I struggle to find my feet. Against the rising sun I stand, blocking the first rays of sunlight from my face. Nothing more than a crumbling trail and ten lines are all that’s seen. All that’s new anyways.

    “Dude, Marcus, what happened?!” His worrisome voice yells as his panicked nature leaves him nothing more than a fearful being within a hardened shell of his former self. “Dude, we gotta find her! I have not a clue where she went!” He keeps screaming, all I can hear is screaming.

    “Shut up! We’ll find her! Don’t you worry! We will find her, so calm the hell down!” I furiously yell into his face.

    “We gotta follow this trail man, those ten lines are probably her fingertips scratching to be free from what ever took her.” He shudders as he closely studies the ten lines deep within the valley of the crushed dirt, creating a new path to follow. I don’t know what could be so big that the basic outline would eclipse the size of Kacey’s body, don’t get me wrong, she’s not a wide load, but the valley stretches at least seven feet across. “Maybe it was a coyote Marcus, maybe a bear came and got her.”

    “You’re joking right? Yeah, maybe a polar bear came and snatched her up in the middle of the desert. Just maybe…dumbass.” I suppose a time like this isn’t exactly a time for insults.

    “The hell with you dude, I’m gonna follow this thing and get Kacey back. You watch.”

    “You sure dude? I mean look at this thing, it goes on and on. Almost never ending and you want to chase after what ever it is? If it makes you feel any better, she’s probably already dead.”

    “You *******…I’m leaving.” He abruptly responds as he begins to walk down the fathoming trail leading to nowhere. Under the baking sun we march, on a hopeless trail, we travel. Hoping that a mere glimpse of Kacey may surface. I don’t think we’re going to be so lucky. We’re already assumed for dead, the stalking vultures overhead made that very clear.

    “Jeremiah, slow down, you’re just going to exhaust yourself.” I try to warn him, but he just keeps marching. “Man, you’re gonna pass out if you don’t stop!” I try to warn yet again, but as usual, I’m ignored.

    “We gotta find her dude…” Was all I heard from him in the past six hours. I don’t think he ever said he loved her, but this relentless pursuit has proven that his emotions are indeed real. Real enough to march a man surely to his death.

    “Jeremiah, take a damn break, you’re going to kill yourself!” I yell as I watch him hopelessly trail down the valley.

    “What the hell man?! We gotta find Kacey you dip ****! You got a problem with that!?” He furiously yells with his fists balled up as he marches my way. This time, Kacey isn’t here to stop the fight.

    “Jeremiah, calm down!” I yell seconds before a fist thunders into my lower jaw. Bastard.

    “Screw you man! You do your own thing, I’m gonna find Kacey so piss off!” His voice yells into my ear. Against the windswept dirt, my back rests.

    “Then go…” Was the last thing I recall saying as I try to see beyond the stars he had given me. It’s too hot for a fight, way too hot. I lied there until night had come, as if I really wanted to do anything at all.
    It’s pointless to try and adjust the mind of a love struck muscle headed bastard. Alone in the middle of nothingness, I look at the path Jeremiah has followed. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, not like I’m going to live anyways. Might as well walk along the path of “destiny” as you could say.

    I’m not too sure if I can drag my feet much longer. At most times friends try to do everything they can do to stick together. I guess our friendship dissolved before my eyes, or perhaps his lovely vagina that was dragged away has priority over me. Who cares, forget it. I should worry about how the hell I’m going to get out of this endless death trap, a thought that startles me every time I raise my head to see a dead on reflection of all that’s behind me is the same thing presented before me. NOTHINGNESS.

    Hours melted away much like the hope of my survival until the second I saw a dangling cord above my face. Not so much a cord, but a shadow of a cable suspended from power lines leading in one direction. To the left of the path it calls me. I had never seen them before so it’s rather puzzling how electricity could possibly be in the middle of no where. What am I *****ing for? Hope! Finally! This thing has to lead to civilization.

    I need to drink something! Even if I do have to drink from the toilet. Can’t recall the last time my feet moved so fast, in a matter of minutes the power line lead me to a small diner that was merely microscopic and is now right in front of my face. Cool sign I must say! “Hot Eats!” It says in plastic flames. I noted its sand torn paint and desolate business in a weary place of the restaurant.

    “Heya buddy! Whatcha doin out here?!” A young blonde woman shouts from the open glass door she’s standing in front of. “Wontcha come on in here and get some hot eats!” She yells, as if I couldn’t hear her.

    “Whoa, a diner in the middle of nowhere?” I inquire, finding it hard to believe that this place is real.

    “Who’d a thunk it? Now c’mon and getcha some food already! C’mon, c’mon, c’mon!” She hurries me into the heart of the diner, the prized possession of the diner, the heart shaped table with only two seats.

    “Was a stranga like you doin out here in the mid of nowhere?”

    “Who me? I be fishin’!” I smirk and sheepishly reply.

    “Pft, you kiddin! Well, ma name’s Aprul and I’ll be ya waitress this fine mornin, and would ya like some water?” Finally! Yes! Water!

    “Bring me a whole pitcher my fine lady!” I couldn’t help but smile.

    “Alrighty sir!” She says as she hurries to the back of the kitchen. From a quick observation, no one else seems to be around. Not a living soul, just Aprul. Each table, stool, napkin dispenser, all coated under a suffocating blanket of dust. Even the table I rest at is smothered by this roaming nuisance.

    “Well here ya are sir!” Aprul cheerfully says as she slyly crisscrosses the
    other tables standing in the way and takes my order directly in the “V” part of the heart table.

    “Whatcha like?” She humbly asks tapping her blue pen against the incredibly aged yellow paper of her notepad.

    “What exactly do you have?”

    “Anything ya want, I’ll make it myself!” She says, smothering a smile from cherry red cheek to cherry red cheek.

    “Ok, how bout’ a bacon burger, fries, and some…coleslaw!” I couldn’t stop there, I needed more I thought as she was about to leave. “Oh and few more things! Throw in some mozzarella sticks! Oh! And some cheese on the burger and mayo!” I couldn’t help it! Starvation was only days away.

    “You betcha lil buddy! I’ll be right back with your food A-SAP” She humbly replies.


    Finally gonna get some grub in this stomach; feel like I’ve been starving for days, in which I have! This thirst however must be slain. Firmly grasping the cheaply made silver pitcher, the mere thought of ice cold water trickling down my throat induces my senses. Cautiously, I slowly pour it in a desperate attempt to not spill a drop. Impatiently, I watch the non existent water flow from the pitcher, no; I watch dirty sand flood my drinking glass. Are you kidding me? This has to be a joke, it must be.

    “Waitress!” I holler and before I could finish my sentence she was standing face to face with me with my meal in hand.

    “Can I help you sir?” She impatiently asks as I watch her eyes shift between me and the sand filled cup.

    “As a matter of fact, yes you can. Is this some kind of joke?” I rudely ask.

    “Excuse me?”

    “Look at my glass, it’s full of sand. I asked for water, not sand you twit.”

    “I did give you water and you’ve spilt it on the table you klutz.” She’s almost not the same person, the waitress that was waiting on me several minutes ago was cheery and happy, and this girl now is a proper *****. “I’m sorry sir, but if you have issues with our service, then you may leave.”

    “I just want what I’m going to pay you for.”

    “Sir, you have not paid yet. Your bill has not even been made up yet. Please sit still and eat your food.” She demands as she rudely tosses the food among the table. Amazed nothing spilled or met the floor. At least the aroma detoured me from the hospitality of this diner, not much to speak of. Looking down, all I can see is a plate full of sand. Nothing less, and nothing more. Not even so much as an insect to nibble on.

    “Aprul, what the hell?!” I yell as she walks away.

    “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” She begins to sigh as she walks my way.

    “Get out of my restaurant now!” She keeps furiously yelling as her shoving hands push me out of the doorway of the restaurant. “I’m glad you’ve been marked you dick because before the next sunrise you’ll be dead! You’ll be just another lifeless corpse in the desert just like Jeremiah and Kacey!” She mockingly hollers as I walk away.

    Stunned and motionless, how is it possible she knew of those two people. It’s not possible I began to think when I turned around to see nothing behind me. No diner, no power lines, NOTHING.
    This can’t be right, it can’t be.

    My conscious screamed in my head. It was so real! Wasn’t it? Running to where the diner should be, nothing but white sand is all that’s seen. Not even a slight breeze kisses my face, only motionless silence. To the side of me rests the path marred by finger prints. Not the kind from a police station, but the valleys left behind by someone who was dragged to their unfortunate death. In spite of what just happened, I must keep walking. Maybe it will prevent my growing insanity. What did she mean Marked?-a question that may never be answered.


    I can’t take it anymore; I just can’t go any further. I thought as I travel under the moonlight of the sky. When you’re on day five or six of no water and food, things seem different. The moon seems so much closer, start seeing things, people that don’t exist become your best friends. I must keep moving! I keep telling myself as I fall to my knees and begin to crawl. Over the settle white sand, I crawl. Half the time, my eyes are closed so I can’t exactly see where I’m going, but I can feel the cool night brush against my neck as I slowly move forward.

    Might not be much, but it’s some. Usually out of the ordinary things like a rock or stick catch my attention to the sensation of a cold fleshy object brings me to my feet. I didn’t mean to touch it, I didn’t know what it was. Closely I examine the sand covered object and brush the last of the blanket sand off to reveal what it is. I know this hand, it’s Jeremiahs hand. Only his hand would be so veiny from roids. Something ate him! I’ve never felt such a fear turn over my empty stomach. Good thing I’m running on empty, nothing left over to throw up.

    Leaving the hand far behind, I quickly walk along the path to see several more limbs of my formerly living friends. Before I could realize it, I was no longer walking, but running for my life in a place I know nothing about. No source of escape presents itself before me, just like the threat to my life hides from sight. Maybe it’s paranoia, or maybe it’s illusions from the heat. This can’t be real, none of it. Screw the path; I’m leaving this ***** behind! I screamed in my head as I ran to nowhere. Every where I look, nothing is seen. Nothing at all, not even a slight rat. Exhaustion versus Fear makes quite the battle as I lean forward to my coupling knees. Wheezing for breath, I’ve given up. I’m going to die anyways so why carry on? I thought as I felt my face crash into the sandy ground and pass out.


    It’s all a dream, a nightmare. All of it! That’s the last time I ever drink twelve beers past my limit on a Tuesday night! Sleep paralysis is a *****, I can’t move, can’t even open my eyes. I know they’re trying to get me off the floor, I can feel them tugging at my ankle. Can’t hear anything, it’s all muffled. I know it’s a party, I’m a light drinker so it only makes sense that I’d be passed out on the floor and dying for water.

    I haven’t felt this great in years, I mean that was one hell of a dream. I can hear Jeremiah’s muffled voice in the distance. From what it sounds like, a lamp just crashed over. Yet I still can’t move, why can’t I move? Sleep paralysis doesn’t last this long does it? I sure hope not. Maybe now would be a good time to work my eye lid muscles. And even in the best effort I have, I failed miserably. They won’t help me up, but they’ll keep tugging on my ankle, what the hell guys? I can’t even move the tip of my fingers, never the less my toes.

    Now I’m afraid, what if I jumped off the roof and paralyzed myself? What if a spider bit me while my head was slung in the toilet? ****, this is going to suck. Help! I scream in my head, all in my head. I can’t ****ing move! I keep screaming hoping that some sort of miracle would allow the words to exit my thoughts and barge into reality. Maybe if I try once more to open my eyes I can see. Just once more. With every ounce of strength in my body I barely budge an eye lid. The left eye lid to be exact and I don’t see the soft glows of a lamp, or the company of friends.

    Only two glowing blue eyes at my ankles. Staring at me, watching me, as if it was preparing to feed. Oh crap, that wasn’t a dream. I must move, get up and do something! But all attempts failed, all I could do is open my left eye lid slightly more than I did before. The tugging on my ankle is more of a gnawing. I can’t see my right foot, just a leg in this creature’s mouth. It feels like tugging, but maybe the effects of this paralysis is also numbness throughout the body.

    Teeth as black as hell and a thick scaly face masks the screaming blue eyes watching me. Violently, the creature makes a meal of my leg as I watch hopelessly, but the numbing effect is wearing off, maybe because I’m waking up. Finally, I can slightly move my fingers, but not my arms or legs. Crunching the bones and gnawing at my upper thigh, the monster slowly makes its way up.

    In a quick flick of its neck, the rest of my thigh retreats to the monsters belly. This time I felt it and it was horrible, mind blowing. I can’t scream, still paralyzed. Chomping on my other leg, the monster reflects no remorse, nor does it seem to care that I’m still alive. I’m just a meal. There’s no hope, I’ll surely bleed to death. Indefinitely. Watching the monster devour my other leg in terror, I watch all the memories I’ve ever had replay before me. The fact that I’ve never really done much with anything and the reality that I’ve never gotten laid truly sink in.

    All I ever did was play video games, but I never hurt a soul. Never cheated, lied, or stolen anything. Struggling to move the tips of my fingers, I still can’t move my arms, and legs. Well they’re property of this thing that’s making a meal of me. Into my abdomen I feel its razor sharp black teeth rip my intestines apart. Just go for the heart I scream in my head as the pain over whelms my body. Even in spite of all this agony, I still can’t move. Bones snapping like twigs at the mercy of this monster’s enormous jaws, escape is only a luxury.

    With another bite, I feel my rib cage collapse, crushing my lungs. At least now I can’t breathe and death will come soon. In the last desperate effort, I raise my head to look eye to eye with the beast. I must have pissed it off because soon after, its enormous mouth opened before my eyes, blocking out the moon light. And that was the last thing I ever seen.
    Last edited by michaelsbearre; 05-05-2012 at 04:50 PM. Reason: stuff.
    Michael S Bearre

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