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Thread: Change

  1. #1
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    Change

    I groaned as I the doorbell rang at 5:00 in the morning. Who the heck wakes up this early on the weekend?! My body ached like hell. When I finally had the energy to open my eyes, I regretted looking down at my body to see the results of yesterday’s “adventure”. That’s what my mom calls it at least. I call it a disaster.
    I had cuts all over my arms and legs, like I was inside a paper tornado. I was still in my running shorts and t-shirt with grass stains and mud streaks all over it. My hair was extremely knotted and too entangled with grass, leaves and dirt to even see the color of my hair. When I couldn’t go back to sleep because some annoying person was ringing the doorbell over and over again, I sat up and started to drag myself out of bed. Immediately, my side felt like it was on fire.
    The right side of my stomach was completely blue and purple and I dimly remembered ramming into a boulder in that stupid river. I made my way to the bathroom and it took forever to make myself at least half-decent. Even after giant clumps of my hair were ripped out of my head I still had bits and pieces of nature in it that took several more minutes to get out.
    Downstairs I could hear my mother talking to someone while my dad slept like a lump. It was when I finished putting on my clothes that I realized both my mom and her adversary were starting to yell. I could feel my face being drained of color when I finally realized who she was talking to. I knew I would have to face him sooner or later, I just hoped it would be later.
    Way later.
    I saw my mom walk to the bottom of the stairs and looking at me with resignation. I looked at the other set of clothes I had in my room with a wig set on top. I had the urge to wear it even though my secret was already revealed. Besides, those clothes didn’t really match my personality as of right now. Today I’m a shy low-class girl that has the charisma level of zero.
    Unfortunately he is the complete opposite of me. My dad always said that opposites attract, but that is most definitely not true. Especially when he appeared next to my mom glaring at me with murder in his eyes. I had no choice but to go downstairs and see how long it would take until my mom had to plan a funeral for me.
    ***
    I sat stiffly in the kitchen across him. I looked down at the kitchen table while my mom desperately tried all of her tactics to try to break the ice. I could tell she was trying to help us make nice, but I knew that she was actually pretty close to kicking him out. The only thing that stopped her was the thought of him and I finally becoming friends again. I completely disagreed with her about that, but she also said that unless I got back on his good side he could do something disastrous to all of us.
    So I was forced to sit across from him in the kitchen as my mom gave up trying to get us to communicate with each other and started setting up plates like this was a regular everyday breakfast.
    It was anything but.
    ***It's not done yet but I wanted to know if it's good so far.
    Last edited by HL33; 06-29-2012 at 01:18 PM.

  2. #2
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    There are some grammar mistakes.

    I was having a hard time doing the right thing and finally confronting him should be in finally confronting him.

    I saw my mom walk to the bottom of the stairs and looking at me with the expression of resignation could just as easily be written as Mom walked to the bottom of the stairs and looked at me with resignation. Try to keep your sentences as simple as possible.

    I'm not quite sure where you're heading with this story. She's had one hell of a night. There is a double identity and there is a guy with murder in his eyes who her mom thinks she has to make good with otherwise it will be disaster for them all.

    So it certainly sounds intriguing enough!
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

  3. #3
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    Thank you for the criticism! I hope my story turns out ok.

  4. #4
    Registered User michaelsbearre's Avatar
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    Talking Feedback

    Quote Originally Posted by HL33 View Post
    I groaned as I the doorbell rang at 5:00 in the morning. Who the heck wakes up this early on the weekend?! My body ached like hell. When I finally had the energy to open my eyes, I regretted looking down at my body to see the results of yesterday’s “adventure”. That’s what my mom calls it at least. I call it a disaster.
    I had cuts all over my arms and legs, like I was inside a paper tornado. I was still in my running shorts and t-shirt with grass stains and mud streaks all over it. My hair was extremely knotted and dirty. It was too entangled with grass, leaves and dirt to even see the color of my hair. When I couldn’t go back to sleep because some annoying person was ringing the doorbell over and over again, I sat up and started to drag myself out of bed. Immediately, my side felt like it was on fire.
    The right side of my stomach was completely blue and purple. I made my way to the bathroom and it took forever to make myself at least half-decent. Even after giant clumps of my hair were ripped out of my head I still had bits and pieces of nature in it that took several more minutes to get out.
    Downstairs I could hear my mother talking to someone while my dad slept like a lump. It was when I finished putting on my clothes that I realized both my mom and her adversary were starting to yell. I could feel my face being drained of color when I finally realized who she was talking to. I knew I would have to face him sooner or later. I just hoped it would be later.
    Way later.


    I saw my mom walk to the bottom of the stairs and looking at me with resignation. I looked at the other set of clothes I had in my room with a wig set on top. I had the urge to wear it even though my secret was already revealed. Besides, those clothes didn’t really match my personality as of right now. Today I’m a shy low-class girl that has the charisma level of zero.
    Unfortunately he is the complete opposite of me. My dad always said that opposites attract, but that is most definitely not true. Especially when he appeared next to my mom glaring at me with murder in his eyes. I had no choice but to go downstairs and see how long it would take until my mom had to plan a funeral for me.
    ***
    I sat stiffly in the kitchen across him. I looked down at the kitchen table while my mom desperately tried all of her tactics to try to break the ice. I could tell she was trying to help us make nice, but I knew that she was actually pretty close to kicking him out. The only thing that stopped her was the thought of him and I finally becoming friends again. I completely disagreed with her about that, but she also said that unless I got back on his good side he could do something disastrous to all of us.
    So I was forced to sit across from him in the kitchen as my mom gave up trying to get us to communicate with each other and started setting up plates like this was a regular everyday breakfast.
    It was anything but.
    ***It's not done yet but I wanted to know if it's good so far.
    In my professional opinion, this story lacks structure. The reason I say this is because you're "listing" which is, this happened, this happened, this happened, this happened. Although, the premises sounds kind of intriguing. REMEMBER, the first paragraph is always the most important paragraph of the entire story. I felt kinda hooked when you went into details and such about bruises, but felt my self drifting from the story when you failed to elaborate why. You can provide subtle hints as to what had happened, but you didn't. I am intrigued to see what more comes of this, but try to improve the structure a little bit more so that way it flows effortlessly.

    Remember not to give away the "key" thing you're saving, but to sprinkle just a tiny bit for the reader so they know what they're in for. Good EFFORT KEEP IT UP!
    Michael S Bearre

  5. #5
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    I'm going to fix it thanks for your opinion

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