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Thread: ~Epiphany~

  1. #1
    Registered User michaelsbearre's Avatar
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    Wink ~Epiphany~

    ~Epiphany~

    Of all things bent and broken
    And things stolen without token
    Speak the heart of all unspoken
    Dare to live a lie unbroken

    Here the shadows of silence dwell
    Deep within the jungles of hell
    When all the world began its fall
    In a time when greed ruled it all

    In this light casting such a shadow
    From a prayer desperate for the morrow
    Behind a smile which likes to play
    Told by eyes that speak of what you long to say

    And so as I mourn in tears
    Of the things distant and near
    As my mind floods the greatest sea
    Just as the world had encumbered me

    I sit in this dwelling built of despair
    When all along I was never truly there
    And as my mind left to wander
    My guilt sunk my heart to a weeping slumber

    So as I scream without a sound
    I lose sight of all and lose myself
    But every time I try to make it right
    It feels so wrong although my reason is justified

    And so a question burdens me
    As my lungs become filled with the sea
    Is this all I was meant to be
    Or this just an epiphany?

  2. #2
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    Wow, beautiful. Great work!

  3. #3
    Registered User michaelsbearre's Avatar
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    Talking ty

    Quote Originally Posted by GermanFan93 View Post
    Wow, beautiful. Great work!
    thank you

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    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Omg you're here Michaelsbearre! Well as I said before, I'm not very good with things like meter but I do admire the way you've tried to put the poem together in rhyme form. When I read it out loud, it doesn't hold the same tempo and that would be a problem for somebody who is a stickler for these things and it is noticeable enough to me. And as I noted previously the structure of the poem changes despite the fact I like some of the lines.

    Your poem does make me wonder how much we are supposed to focus on content as opposed to form because I rather like the poem itself but at the same time I am affected by the inconsistent form that appears. I think you replied to me in the other thread but I forgot what you said (sorry)

    Anyway, I'm so glad you found the forum!
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  5. #5
    Registered User michaelsbearre's Avatar
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    Wink

    Quote Originally Posted by Delta40 View Post
    Omg you're here Michaelsbearre! Well as I said before, I'm not very good with things like meter but I do admire the way you've tried to put the poem together in rhyme form. When I read it out loud, it doesn't hold the same tempo and that would be a problem for somebody who is a stickler for these things and it is noticeable enough to me. And as I noted previously the structure of the poem changes despite the fact I like some of the lines.

    Your poem does make me wonder how much we are supposed to focus on content as opposed to form because I rather like the poem itself but at the same time I am affected by the inconsistent form that appears. I think you replied to me in the other thread but I forgot what you said (sorry)

    Anyway, I'm so glad you found the forum!
    I appreciate the help and suggestions. My style is kinda something I've invented my own. Each thought is a thought which concludes at the end of the line, which in turn the next line is a new thought. I change tempo and rhyme to keep it from being boring and predictable. I really don't pay attention to form and focus more on what I'm trying to say. I know my style isn't the best, but it's the best for me! Thanks for the critique!

  6. #6
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by michaelsbearre View Post
    I appreciate the help and suggestions. My style is kinda something I've invented my own. Each thought is a thought which concludes at the end of the line, which in turn the next line is a new thought. I change tempo and rhyme to keep it from being boring and predictable. I really don't pay attention to form and focus more on what I'm trying to say. I know my style isn't the best, but it's the best for me! Thanks for the critique!
    Which brings us to the question do we write for ourselves first and then the audience? Probably yes. When must we consider the audience?
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  7. #7
    King of Dreams MorpheusSandman's Avatar
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    I think Delta was referring to me when he wrote:
    Quote Originally Posted by Delta40 View Post
    When I read it out loud, it doesn't hold the same tempo and that would be a problem for somebody who is a stickler for these things


    Michael, you do have a very good germ of a poem here, but when you're writing in couplets it's crucial to maintain meter. You have a flexibility whether you decide to use tetrameter or pentameter (in the former you can get away with more triple-rhythm substitutions, in the latter you can get away with more double-stresses and double-unstresses), but you have to maintain some kind of regularity or the rhymes go from musical to grating, dissonant, and annoying. I would also completely avoid quadruple rhyme sounds as you used in S1, as any rhymes that last over 2 lines become much too monotonous. Using rhymes at all--much less couplet--is a tricky thing in this poetic day and age, and you almost have to be a master on the level of Frost, Yeats, or Auden to get away with it at all.

    Honestly, I simply couldn't focus on the content because of the sloppiness of the meter, and that becomes all the more intensified when one is writing couplets (it's easier to get away with when writing more extended rhyme patterns like ABAB or ABCABC etc.). I would highly recommend reading someone like Alexander Pope who mastered the use of couplets; but even he stumbled frequently. One problem with couplets is that each couplet with its last rhyme encloses itself off from the lines outside it. To a master of aphorisms like Pope this made for endlessly quotable lines, but it's much harder to maintain a coherent stream of thought when every pair of lines needs to maintain a complete thought. There's also the Romantic school of couplet rhyming, which offers more freedom but no less difficulty. In that school, Robert Browning was a master, and I'd recommend his My last Duchess for study.
    "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." --Carl Gustav Jung

    "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due." --Neil Gaiman; The Sandman Vol. 4: Season of Mists

    "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" --The Proclaimers

  8. #8
    Registered User michaelsbearre's Avatar
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    hmmm

    Quote Originally Posted by MorpheusSandman View Post
    I think Delta was referring to me when he wrote:

    Michael, you do have a very good germ of a poem here, but when you're writing in couplets it's crucial to maintain meter. You have a flexibility whether you decide to use tetrameter or pentameter (in the former you can get away with more triple-rhythm substitutions, in the latter you can get away with more double-stresses and double-unstresses), but you have to maintain some kind of regularity or the rhymes go from musical to grating, dissonant, and annoying. I would also completely avoid quadruple rhyme sounds as you used in S1, as any rhymes that last over 2 lines become much too monotonous. Using rhymes at all--much less couplet--is a tricky thing in this poetic day and age, and you almost have to be a master on the level of Frost, Yeats, or Auden to get away with it at all.

    Honestly, I simply couldn't focus on the content because of the sloppiness of the meter, and that becomes all the more intensified when one is writing couplets (it's easier to get away with when writing more extended rhyme patterns like ABAB or ABCABC etc.). I would highly recommend reading someone like Alexander Pope who mastered the use of couplets; but even he stumbled frequently. One problem with couplets is that each couplet with its last rhyme encloses itself off from the lines outside it. To a master of aphorisms like Pope this made for endlessly quotable lines, but it's much harder to maintain a coherent stream of thought when every pair of lines needs to maintain a complete thought. There's also the Romantic school of couplet rhyming, which offers more freedom but no less difficulty. In that school, Robert Browning was a master, and I'd recommend his My last Duchess for study.
    Although I do heed what it is that you say, but poetry in general is nothing more than words expressing feelings or situations. We will use The Raven for instance. Poe changes his rhythm many times through out the poem as well as tempo and beat. As does Dante Alighieri. The thing most people often forget is a new styles verses old styles. Hence your ABAB, ABCABC patterns. Just because I do not follow these patterns makes me a bad poet or the poem bad, just that my style doesn't suit your taste. I guess all I'm saying is there is no right or wrong way to write something.
    Michael S Bearre

  9. #9
    Registered User michaelsbearre's Avatar
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    Cool hmmmm

    Quote Originally Posted by Delta40 View Post
    Which brings us to the question do we write for ourselves first and then the audience? Probably yes. When must we consider the audience?
    One must first write for one self before writing for anyone else. This poem is plugged in over several locations and dozens of people have given feed back on being able to relate. It's a metaphorical poem. If I write and it doesn't mean anything to me, it's not going to mean anything to anyone else.

    Someone shouldn't just write to attain views, praise, or feedback, but to just write. If it feels right, then what makes it wrong? I do appreciate the feedback but this poem isn't going to appeal to everybody, but will appeal to others. Like I said in the other person's post, Poetry is a statement of expression. Thanks though for the insight!
    Michael S Bearre

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