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Thread: Leaf

  1. #1
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    Leaf (fallowed by first few parts of The Dark Hallway)

    The day the world becomes as still as the singel leaf waiting to be the last one to fall. When it falls all seems to be the end. But the truth is when the leaf falls its adventure begins so let me tell you this. The day the world stops and all life ends.....Thats the only time true peace will show its self from the shadow casted about it. Its the candle whos fire is going dim but only when it exetinguishes will peace rise from the ashes or will it already be to late. Will the leaf ever fall or will it crumble amongst the lies pestering in its wait? Only you can choose witch side you take. Help it fly, Or let it and your dreams crumble in the dust.....?

    The Dark Hallway Part 1


    I was there again that place no one wanted to be "the hallway". I felt my body tense at every breath of the thick aired surrounding. It was not very wide spaced and I could hardly see threw the black cloud of smoke around me. Light flicked from around the corner of the Hall then in a sudden moment I relized the bouliding was on fire. I grabed my red shirt it was coverd in ash as I grabed the neck of my shirt I raised it up and coverd my nose and mouth to protect my loungs from the ash.I thought fast and looked around for a place to go "the Hallway led only to three rooms" and I had never been in eny of them before and I didnt know if they would lead to a way out but the way I had enterd from was blazeing with fire. My eyes checked all the doors knowing they could save me but also possibly stall me to long so I decided to go and open one when I reached for the door it was a every day average wooden door and I pulled it open. The door led me to a room that was diffirent it was orginized all the papers neatly in a stack but black from the ash and a small what I couldmake out green and purple cup with flameing penciles in it so I relized the room was a dead end I closed the door. There were two doors left and the fire was now slightly in the Hallway so I quickly went for the closest door it was metal and hard and I quickly swung it open and looked in as the door opened I saw hardly enything the room was small compact then I relized that the room I was looking in was a closet. I quickly closed the door and then went straight to the next door it was a diffirent door it was part red and brown with carvings makeing the door look decorated it was hard to open as though it was jamed closed and it took me about seven trys to open the door it finaly budged and I sliped and feel down unfortiuanly the door led to the stairs and I broke my leg acrost the middle step and I yelled and my shirt droped off my face and I coughed and looked at my leg. The bone was sticking out of my leg and bleeding I thought maybe this is the end everything started geting dark and started fadeing and my eyes closed theis must be the end.Forthe last seconds I thought I heard noises but before I could tell if they were real or not I was out.....




    Part 2


    I woke up my heart raceing I was in a bed in a hospital and I looked around shocked then looked at my leg and suddenly pain shot threw me as blood was comeing from a bandage. Suddenly docters and nurses ran in and replaced the bandage I soon blacked out again. -3 months later- I woke up this is the day the docter said I could finaly leave and believe me I was ready soon I was outside and smelling the air I decided that Id visit the spot the fire was. After a long while and a great deal of walking I finaly arrived at the building to learn this wasent the place that was on fire but insted the building that was on fire was meany miles away I decided to visit the other building to figure out what was going on. I had arrived there and there was half a building coverd in ash questions shot threw my head was this where it happend was I relly here? I decided to look around I seartched threw the ash and couldnt find enything then I saw something from the fire the small green and purple thing. I was here this had been the place the dark hallway the fire but how did I get here. I decided to go back to the hospital and I asked around and eventualy learnd that the firedepartment hadent brought me there but some stranger who had been near by I suddenly things didint add up. a building I had never been near before and a person ive never met saveing me when no one else knew of the fire things were odd for me but soon returned to normal but not normal enuff I would never feel alone so I finaly desided to look into this person who had saved me soon I learned that he had refused to stay or talk to enyone he just took me to the hospital and left me there. it seemed odd but it seemed that he was ment to be there so I tryed to get in toutch with him so I talked to the docters they described him all they could but couldnt tell me how to reatch him so I kept searching and finaly I learned right where he lived it was my heart started raceing he lived in my nabor hood suddenly I felt un easy. The next day I wnet to his house and knocked on the door the door seemed to have been burnt before but I ignored it a small person came to the door. was this the man who rescued me the man had told me how he knew who I was but the entier time he kept looking behind me so I looked back and smoething moved while back there I jumped and lookd at the small man he was gone and I had looked at where the thing was there was nothing I started freaking out. What is going on I left the city hopeing it would solve all my problems but they got worse




    Part 3

    It had been a while new town new people I felt alot better that the problems had all ended. Life was great for me I finally could stop worrying about my old problems. -one year later- I hardly remember why I left my old home. One day I was at work and I looked around and saw someone who looked familiar he was short and seemed to know me he told me he could make all my problems dissapear but to tell the truth I didnt relly have eny porblems so I didnt need him. I told him it was a nice offer but I have no problems. He looked at me confused and then he asked me if I rememberd him I told him no but that he looked familiar. He told me that he rescued me from the fire along time ago suddenley it hit me I rememberd everything the fire the hallway it all came in a flash. I asked him what it was that was behind me but he didnt answer he said it was something he wished he never got involved in. He said after he rescued me it started following him and it wouldnt leave him alone I felt bad like it was my fault so I appolgised and he said never mind it but to watch my self. He left and I had meny questions and no one to answer them I tryed to track him down but it was no good he was long gone. its been a few days since the man who saved me had talked to me at work I was writeing something my boss asked me to do and I looked at the T.V. and it was on the news they were doing their regular routine wether and what not but they said there was a special report. it got my attention and it soon had my full attention a man had been found dead erlier this morning but it wasnt that new so I got back to work and one of the other employes grabed my shoulder and shook it I looked at him he was big tanish skined and a beard and he told me to look at the screen so I did. My heart started raceing like it did during the fire and I couldnt look away. "It was the man who saved me" he had been killed and they had no idea what could have killed in this way. I looked at everyone fealing a bit sick I had to get out of the building I ran down the hallway and outside and looked around. My mind was raceing I didnt know what to do something got him the man who saved me and no one knew what it was and why it was after me I looked around feeling I was being watched so I ran police sirens were comeing this way and I knew they would be after me I had contact with the man not to long ago so I turned into an alley and ran in there and as the sirens got louder and louder my heart raced faster until the sirens drove past the alley and soon it got quiet and I saw something moveing I couldnt make out what it was and I wasent gunna stick around to find out so I quickly ran out of the alley and then a cop car came up, turnes out it was me they were looking for. I looked back in the alley and something was looking at me from in it and the men in the police car got out one was average size with alittle fat to him and another that I could tell from the moment I saw him that he was one of thoes guys who would say that if you called them heavy or fat they would say there big boned. They walked up to me and told me I needed to get in there car and I didnt want to fight them so I got in the car it locked automaticly only openable from the outside. I took one last look in they alley and to my suprise it was empty the thing vanished leaveing no traces and I wounderd what it was and what questions I would be asked by the police.....



    Part 4

    We were heading down the road and I asked them what they wanted they didnt reply I layed back to wait tell we got to the station. I noticed something was strange I looked at there badges from the rearview mirror and "they wernt real" the badges were fakes and these arnt cops these are posers I thought fast knowing they didnt think I knew so I told them that I had to relieve myself. They pulled into a nearby gas station. As soon as my door was open I bolted it out of the car and ran for it I had been to the other side of the building by the time they got in their car. I quickly decided to hide behind a dumpster. I got behind it just as they were pulling behind the buiding my heart raced I wanted to run but that would have been a bad idea so I stayed put they argued with eachother for a bit and then drove off thinking I had left. I thought it was over then I got out from behind the trash can and then bolted it to the inside of the store unfortunitly I had no clue where I was so I asked the cashiear and he said I was in the dark street. I had never been here before I didnt know what to do I left and thaked the man for his help. I was off in this new area I looked in the shops and other stores but nothing. There was a bad fealing about this place that I shouldnt be here. I looked around and I saw it again the thing that had been fallowing me I finaly got a good look at it. It had dark green spike hair on its back like porkipine and sharp teeth and as I was stund at its appearence it tackled me and I couldnt help but look it in the eyes this was not the thing that had attacked me but insted it was somethig else. the eyes were diffirent it wasnt the same thing this thing infront of me vanished. I jumped up my heart raceing and my heart started hurting from the beating so fast I didnt know what or where it was. I found a taxi and it drove me home I looked up fire survivors. Turns out there wernt any unless you were burnt and I wasnt so this and the fire wasnt connected and I decided it was time for bed I went to my room and took a nap...
    Last edited by Conner White; 04-25-2012 at 09:32 PM.

  2. #2
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Connor this is a very difficult to read. Long, endless sentences with no punctuation resulting in the reader trying to make sense of what they are actually reading. Incorrect spelling and grammar. Think about the following:

    The door led me to a room that was diffirent it was orginized all the papers neatly in a stack but black from the ash and a small what I couldmake out green and purple cup with flameing penciles in it so I relized the room was a dead end I closed the door. There were two doors left and the fire was now slightly in the Hallway so I quickly went for the closest door it was metal and hard and I quickly swung it open and looked in as the door opened I saw hardly enything the room was small compact then I relized that the room I was looking in was a closet.

    Do you really think only two fullstops are needed here? Try reading each of these sentences without taking a breath and ask yourself if they make sense. If you have to pause, it's probably because punctuation is needed as well as a restructure.

    Have you looked at any online tools to improve writing skills?
    Success is not forever and failure is not fatal

  3. #3
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
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    My advice is to learn how to write a sentence, how to write the various kinds of sentences both structurally and stylistically, and how to put them all together in a cogent paragraph.

    Learn about punctuation.

    My impression isn't so much that you haven't been writing enough but that you haven't been reading enough. Read as many contemporary short stories as you can, both online or in print. Your local librarian can help you find some good anthologies. When you read each short story, ask yourself not only what the writer is trying to say but how he or she is saying it.

    Here are a couple of more links, merely as a starting point


    You'll Know I'll Stop Reading Your Short Stories When--

    Show, Don't Tell (Redux)


    Happy reading!

  4. #4
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    ...Wow....I guess the world is as everyone says. You try to write couse you like it and are just trying to have fun with it and all you get is negativity. Even if I just want to write. All I wanted was to be told if my stories were any good. But all I got was you need to fix this, and this. I came for fun but being told at all the turns ive taken is just telling me to start makeing this work and get rid of the fun. I understand what your all trying to get through to me but if all I do is try to fix it and remake what I made then what was the point of writeing it. I.... Now I'm at a loss of words. My minde is shatering at being told that what I came to share has no complaments just doubt and put downs. I may be bad and may be hard to read but......Never mind its probably not sinking in. I'll edit it then I'll re post it...... sorry for the terrible stories. I thought I actualy made something good.... I guess it turned out bad like the rest....
    Last edited by Conner White; 05-01-2012 at 10:31 AM.

  5. #5
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    I'm sorry if it seems like I'm complaining but I thought I was haveing fun and created something good.... It feels prety bad when all is crushed in one swift instent...

  6. #6
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    Exclamation Fixed part one. I'm hopeful that this is actualy good...

    I was there again that place no one wanted to be “the hallway”. I felt my body tense at every breath of the thick aired surrounding. It was not very wide spaced and I could hardly see threw the black cloud of smoke around me. Light flicked from around the corner of the Hall then in a sudden moment I realized the building was on fire. I grabbed my red shirt it was covered in ash as I grabbed the neck of my shirt I raised it up and covered my nose and mouth to protect my lungs from the ash. I thought fast and looked around for a place to go. The Hallway led only to three rooms and I had never been in any of them before. I didn’t know if they would lead to a way out. But the way I had entered from was blazing with hell fire. My eyes checked all the doors knowing they could save me, but also possibly stall me for too long. I decided to go and open one. When I reached for the door it was an everyday average wooden door and I pulled it open. The door led me to a room that was different it was organized all the papers neatly in a stack but black from the ash. There was also a small what I could make out green and purple cup with flaming pencils in it. I realized the room was a dead end I closed the door. There were two doors left and the fire was now slightly in the Hallway so I quickly went for the closest door it was metal and hard. I quickly swung it open and looked in as the door opened I looked in and saw hardly anything. The room was small compact then I realized that the room I was looking in was a closet. I quickly closed the door and then went straight to the next door it was a different door it was part red and brown with carvings making the door look decorated it was hard to open as though it was jammed closed and it took me about seven tries to open the door. It finally budged and I slipped and fell down. Unfortunately the door led to the stairs and I broke my leg across the middle step. I yelled my blood curdling and my shirt dropped off my face and I coughed and looked at my leg. The bone was sticking out of my leg and bleeding the gash alone looking to be my doom. I thought maybe this is the end. Everything started getting dark and started fading. My eyes closed this must be the end. For the last seconds I thought I heard noises but before I could tell if they were real or not doors clicking, the running feet of a man in a hurry? If I had but a little more energy I’d of known but in the next moment before I could tell what was going on. My eyes have been closed for a bit and the world seeming black from behind my eye lids. The darkness had engulfed me. I was out.....

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