Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: An Ending

  1. #1
    Between Farce and Tragedy
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Dublin.
    Posts
    293

    An Ending

    She was meeting me anyway, so that was a good sign, even after the cross phone calls over the weekend, which were my fault really. I got to the cinema and she wasn’t around so I ran in to use the bathroom, checking did I look ok while running the tap and looking in the mirror, also thinking that it could happen, with the summer coming along now and having the new job, we could do things together, not like we used o do when we were lovers, but as friends. It didn’t matter though; she was here, back, and if things went well on these little sorties, trips to the cinema etc, who knows?

    I ordered two tickets for the show and walked back outside. Still no sign of her. We had plenty of time but I thought maybe she would like to grab a quick pint and a bite to eat. Then I spotted her coming down the road, unmistakable vibrant red hair, wearing the long black coat she always wore and a gym bag on her back, as well as her handbag back slung on one shoulder. Ah, she was still going to the gym, after two years since I used to go with her. That was good, good for her. I walked toward her smiling. Those eyes. Big brown eyes she had. And you’d fall deep if you looked too long. She barely responded and did not seem inclined to offer me a hug or a kiss on the cheeks as is her custom.
    I knew there was something wrong. I got this sinking feeling that she was going to tell me something shortly.
    We exchanged the usual pleasantries. I walked beside her uncomfortably, suggesting a place to go for a pint before the movie. She told me she had just eaten a sandwich. I wasn’t drinking, or hadn’t been drinking in awhile, so I ordered a beer for her and a blackcurrant for myself.

    As she was putting her bags down, I said: “Listen, sorry for putting you under pressure there last week-end. I just probably got the wrong impression from the last time we met, when we had dinner. I had a good time then and you looked to be having a good time. I just probably got the wrong impression. Being friends, going out now and again, is perfect.”

    “Look,” she said, dropping the bags noisily and meeting my eyes with all but concealed fury in them, a look I knew well, “look, you can’t be doing that to me. I was willing to maybe see you once in awhile as friends…but now, I don’t know…” I lifted my eyes momentarily to the barman approaching with the drinks.

    “Do you want to talk now or after the film,” she asked me.

    I paid the barman and waited until he walked away out of earshot.

    “No, let’s talk now,” I said.

    “Look, you can’t send me text messages like that!”

    ‘Like what?”

    “Like…”oh, do you want to leave it all together” or…well, you know what I mean anyway. I have my own life now and I’m happy for the first time since we broke up. It‘s not going to work. I’m getting these anxious feelings again. And look, we have been arguing on the phone and we are arguing now. It won’t work. It isn’t working.”

    “Yes but we had a good time when we went for dinner a few weeks ago didn’t we? We got along, had good conversations. It was like the old times—“

    “No. It will never be. I don’t want to get back with you. And I can’t be your friend. There’s just too much repressions, too many bad things that keep coming up, it’s not possible.”

    “Ah….come on don’t say that. To be honest, just being honest: “--I looked around the bar —“ I am lonely all the bloody time, and I’ve no one left to really talk with. I actually went to see a psychotherapist today, do you believe that? I’m on these tablets - Diazepam - for panic attacks. fu<k sake, this is the last thing I want to hear. I just wanted us to be friends again. Why is that so difficult? Throw me a bone, will ya?”

    “Because you are not in control. You will make it difficult. I can’t go through all that again. I said that to you two years ago. You have impulsive-compulsive behavior problems. I was busy that week and told you next week maybe we could go out but you kept texting me and ringing me…it’s not right, you know it’s not.”

    I looked down at the nice mosaic on the ground for awhile, feeling I could sink into that mosaic like it was maybe a warm bath.

    “Do you still want to go the cinema, then?” I said.

    “Well yes, you have bought the tickets.”

    “Ok, we better go now.”

    The film was terrible, and being on the tablets I felt drowsy and couldn’t keep my eyes open. Even if I wasn’t on the tablets I still probably would have fell asleep. We exchanged about two words. Then we walked together glumly in the cold and rain to the train station, the last mirthless camaraderie we’ll ever share, I thought. It was hopeless. Gone. Whatever we had was reduced to a bad feeling and we were best just letting it dribble down the gutter with the rain. And it was lashing, the rain was.

    "Why, though, why can't we be friends?" I asked her finally, not wanting to pre-amble or equivocate.

    "Because you're not really in control of yourself, your life," she said.
    As she said this I thought of the time I held her back as she tried to jump out the window one evening. It was after an argument we had.

    "But I'm trying."

    My train approached just then and I turned to go, at a complete loss really to say anything. She had made her feelings clear, and that was it. As the train pulled away, I didn't even look at her. I felt something in me go out finally, like a light that had been on the fritz for the past while. That little ember that i had been kindling in my heart since meeting her for dinner a few weeks ago had been stamped out for good. There would be other fires though, not like that one maybe, but you have to believe all the same, otherwise what is there?
    Last edited by smerdyakov; 04-05-2012 at 03:57 AM.

  2. #2
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    next door to the lady in the vinegar bottle
    Posts
    5,089
    Blog Entries
    72
    The opening needs a little more "oomph." While, grammatically speaking, it's not a "run on" sentence, it does "run on" in a semantic sense. I do understand, though, that you're trying to express the narrator's anxiety and excitement over the date.

    Also, unless a proper name is mentioned in the title, it's generally not to begin with a pronoun without an antecedent. If "she" is important enough to appear in a story, give her a name or at least some kind of identifying sobriquet-- "my sweet patootie" or "the girl I was dating." There's an amorphous "it" in the opening paragraph as well, referring to what? That the narrator can rekindle the relationship or merely get "lucky" for the night?

    Plot point--He's not really all that confident that he won't be stood up. Yet the narrator buys the movie tickets before "she" shows up. This belies the narrator's uncertainty previously set up in the story.

    The majority of the piece consists of the dialogue between the guy and his date. Here I'm assuming you're aiming for resonance and authenticity. The problem with the latter is that ordinary, everyday "real" speech differs from the fictional dialogue, which is not straight reportage but brings a certain quality to a short story, which, after all, attempts to be a work of art.

    Fictional dialogue is distilled, condensed, shot with "literariness" ( a word I hate because it reminds me of the term amusingly coined by Stephen Cobert -- "truthiness.") But I bet you know what I mean. One would like one's fiction to be less clichéd, less "familiar."

    Even though we should, as Henry Miller advised, "keep our eyes and ears open" so that the work has verisimilitude, every time we write something we want to produce something that's not only rooted in reality, but goes beyond that with something "brandy new" and fresh. It's a delicate balance, but I know you have what it takes as a writer to achieve such a thing.
    Last edited by AuntShecky; 04-05-2012 at 04:10 PM.

  3. #3
    Original Poster Buh4Bee's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    At the north border
    Posts
    3,381
    Blog Entries
    156
    I read every word of it- it is quite plot driven and engaging. I agree the dialogue reads more like a script than a short story, but it didn't bother this reader. In fact, it actually made me blush. Anyhow, I enjoyed the ending after having just finished reading Camus.

  4. #4
    Between Farce and Tragedy
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Dublin.
    Posts
    293
    Thanks for the crits.

    B- Camus? Do u like him?

    Aunie - did i get the dialogue right?
    Last edited by smerdyakov; 04-06-2012 at 01:10 AM.

  5. #5
    Original Poster Buh4Bee's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    At the north border
    Posts
    3,381
    Blog Entries
    156
    Yes, its one of those kinds of situation in which you wish he were alive so you could have a conversation.

  6. #6
    Between Farce and Tragedy
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Dublin.
    Posts
    293
    i think u rate him too fu<ken highly...imo he's nowhere near as good as celine and celine was nowhere near as good as miller and miller was nowhere near as good as Bukowski and Carver was better than bukowski. i am irish and i know that from the early sixties to the 80s americas had the best writers and they probably still do....because there are so many of them practicing the art ...swear to god... i think the best story i've read is Carver's "so muxh water so close to home"....i won't say why i like it so much but when i read it i realised i read something powerful...

    this stuff i wrote here is sh!t....i myabe commited myself 5 or 10 per cent of what im able to do....

  7. #7
    Original Poster Buh4Bee's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    At the north border
    Posts
    3,381
    Blog Entries
    156
    Why are you swearing at me? I like Camus and I could care less what kind of talent you have. Who the hell are you, besides an over-opinionated Irishman?

  8. #8
    Between Farce and Tragedy
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Dublin.
    Posts
    293
    Quote Originally Posted by Buh4Bee View Post
    Why are you swearing at me? I like Camus and I could care less what kind of talent you have. Who the hell are you, besides an over-opinionated Irishman?
    sorry for swearing. didn't mean to come across that way.

  9. #9
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Fremantle Western Australia
    Posts
    9,902
    Blog Entries
    62
    I like the story but agree some of the dialogue needs working and some sentences could flow a bit better but it is an emotive piece of writing Smer with some nice metaphors.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  10. #10
    Registered User gruntingslime's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Toronto
    Posts
    125
    I think there's something interesting here. Your writing is in some ways mature and I think it's fair to assume you've reached a level where your writing isn't trite. That being said it was my feeling that this piece lacked something visceral. I think you could gain from plumbing the depths of your characters and situations. To be honest I think that there's something more interesting going on here that's not written. In ways it is a tale of love, but I couldn't see love in the characters or even lust. In a way I felt it was without feeling, or the feeling was so strangled that it failed to enliven the spirit, and maybe that is why things worked out as they did for the character... not in a way of passing judgement, I am more wondering if this is what was even perhaps what was intended. The protagonist was quite agitated and with difficulties... It works as a slice of life, but regretfully not the most inspiring or enlightening.

    I feel like when I read this I saw the seeds of what could be a great writer, just because your words can hold a lot of weight, but I suggest you take some time to get a little deeper acquainted with the weight you're wielding. I'm interested to read more of you're work, I'd like to see where you're going with your ideas.
    Last edited by gruntingslime; 04-25-2012 at 08:02 PM.

Similar Threads

  1. Great expections ending....(spoilers)
    By XIE323 in forum Great Expectations
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 02-27-2019, 12:41 PM
  2. Tom and Maggie embrace in death - a happy ending?
    By Gladys in forum The Mill on the Floss
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 08-28-2017, 08:09 AM
  3. Does the ending of a book matter to you?
    By Raven Falcon. in forum General Literature
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: 04-11-2012, 09:59 PM
  4. Alternate Ending
    By ysabella in forum Tess of the d'Urbervilles
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 04-27-2011, 01:31 PM
  5. Alternative Ending
    By Austispomonti in forum 1984
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 11-19-2009, 06:50 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •