My name is Ryan, and as you can tell I'm new to this forum. I'm sort of feeling out the boards and I was hoping to open up with some feedback on a short story I have written. I'm not sure of the etiquette of doing so, as I like to think before you get feedback you have to show your stripes. So I plan on reading some stories and getting a feel for the type of work posted here.
Regardless, I wrote this piece in a collection of short stories, and few people have read it. If you have any opinions, that would be greatly appreciated.
In the meantime, see you around the forum and good luck writing.
The Girl With the Neon Shades
The pebbles skipped atop the surface of the water. The sun, now setting menacingly below the horizon, left the sky with a coating of the mundane. This mild darkness gave Beth the opportunity to lift her neon shades above her eyes and behind her hair, but she left them on, leaving any curious by-passer aroused by the girl in the neon shades.
But the beach was rather empty that evening. A boy and a dog walked just minutes ago, and two couples, one jogging, the other grabbing shells came by in the past hour- though now, it was dark and curfew became imminent.
Beth didn't care. She shoveled a collection of sand and broken shells between her hands- back and forth- until it all seeped between her fingers and back down to the collective surface of the beach. She was only visiting the beach, a vacation that she found fantastic fun, and she loved all the adventures her dad took her on the past few days, including the ferris wheel and that super fun go kart that her daddy drove around the track. And they almost crashed!
Beth thought of the last few days in admiration. The wistful nature of the beach wind caught waves of her hair, leaving the satin brown meandering in the wind, complacent for every whimsical breath mother nature makes.
The sun caught up to the horizon. The dark nature of the sky reconciled across the once light blue canopy.*
"Hello." A boy sat down beside Beth, scrawny and just as young ash she, wearing a red shirt one size too small and holding a seashell in his hand. "Nice shades." Beth turned towards the source of the sound. The boy, with tender skin sat, smiling with strength across the canvas of his face. "What's your name?"
Beth hesitated before forcing out an answer. "Bee. It's Bee."
"Your name is Bee? That's just a letter?" The boy, confused by the origin of her name, bit his lip, nearly regretting the situation he oh-so-pleasantly invited himself into.
"Well my real name is Beth. That's a nickname." As Beth said it aloud she only hinted in her expression the absurdity of what she said.
"Well I’ll call you Bee. Your nickname is silly. Nicknames should be shorter." Beth, realizing this began defending her point.
"Some boys made it up when I was little."
"You ARE little." The boy leaned backwards and placed his hands in the sand behind him. He smiled. "that explains a LOT.”
"What's your name?" Beth asked in return.
"My name is..." the boy interrupted himself and leaned forward, staring at the bright neon shades brought forward by Beth.”Ben. But you can call me Bee." Beth smirked.
"So Beth, what do you play?” Ben questioned. Expecting a delayed response he looked away from her and out towards the beach where he found comfort.
"Well I like the beach. It smells nice." She breathed in a prolonged breath and breathed out. "See?" Ben doing the same, agreed complacently.
Beth hesitated but soon continued to converse. "Well I like the birds that fly around- pick bread out of your hands. I can hear them all around me. And the rumble of the waves." Beth pointed forward. "...going WAY out there." Ben lifted his hand up to follow hers and pointed forward as well, trying to curve his hand as to show how truly far the ocean spread.
"I like the sand and how it feels yea?" Ben responded. Beth grinned and again picked up a pile of sand, echoing it back and forth between each hand before they vanished and, again, slipped out and lay amongst the rest.
"Yeah, the sand is cool. I like the beach a lot too." He paused, trying to collect his thoughts, trying to grasp something new to their conversation. "See that?" Ben rose his hand up again towards a boat on the horizon. "See that big boat, I bet it's a cruise ship going to the other side of the world!" Ben, now with enthusiasm grinned. "I want to go to Jamaica."
Beth only nodded and leaned back towards the sand. “That’s too far away.”
“Of course it is! The world is big!”
Beth smiled and squished sand beneath her fingers.
"Beth? You seem really cool." Ben stopped his speech and stared towards the ground a bit, contemplating his further words and hoping for reciprocation from Beth. She remained focused, intent, and ill-informed of the mannerisms of nervousness and hesitation placed forward by Ben. Ben, lacking options, continued. "Want to be friends?"
Beth nodded again, this time following a smile, and looked towards her left.
"Great!" Ben stood up and gestured Beth the same. "Stand up, now that were friends we can go do something fun."*
"I want to sit Ben. The ocean. This IS fun." Ben, realizing his mistake, sat back down and continued racking his brain to further his conversation with Beth. Ben knows, full well, the longer he stays with Beth the more time he spends happy and interested. He likes Beth, he likes her strawberry scent resonating to his nose beyond the intensity of the beach in all its shining glory. He adored her weaving hair, as the wind tore the strands separately towards the sky, each playing off each other like the rhythms of a classical piece. He remained fascinating by her missing front tooth and her bright bulb-like neon shades. Ben had a few of these features on his own, yet most were only visible through time- his traits were more discreet.
Beth's skin, lathered and soft, heightened when Ben came intentionally close, brushing his arm against hers in an attempt to get the best seashell on the beach.
"You missed it. There was a great shell right beside you!" Ben handed the shell to her. She grabbed it as their hands touched.
Beth smiled. "Thanks!" She began rubbing the shell, itching at its creases and grinning softly at its shape. After a moment she again returned straight ahead towards where the sun was just a few moments ago.
Her voice, even in such small phrases, illuminated the imagination of Ben, who was only drawn in to the complimentary arousal of the ocean and the whimsical sound of her voice.*
Despite all this, Beth showed little in return. Beth found the beach a fantastic place to be, one that made her thoughts tender and comforting. She enjoyed the beach despite the eager Ben, more so eager to show his own fascination for the friendly and young Beth.
Grains of sand stay stuck to specific spots on her legs. He wished he had the nerve to rub them off, but did not want to distress a nervous situation with his eager nature manifesting at such a quick pace. But oh her legs, so genuine, Beth placed her own hands on top of them ever so often. Beth only continued to smile, disinterested in furthering her conversing with Ben, albeit lacking the nerve to take a stand against his presence.
Though truth is, she likely enjoyed his company. Beth always does.
"Hey Beth. Can I ask you a question?"
"You just did." Beth, believing herself to have just upped the young Ben, comforts him with a sarcastic smile. "You can ask me any question."
"Why are you wearing those neon sunglasses. There's no sun. It's dark and you maybe can't see when you wear those..." Ben, perhaps hoping that his question did not disturb Beth halted his talking and settled his eyes onto the sand below.
Beth began, hurriedly, laughing and grinning. She took the shades and put them in the hands of Ben after he placed them forward beside her wrist.
Her eyes were wide and beaming, a glassy fog covered them and it made Ben lean back, slightly afraid, but in awe. "I can't see. I can't see the beach. I can't see the water. I can't even see those shades." Ben, misunderstood her initial statements and only stared at the neon shades in disillusion.
"You can't..."
"I CAN'T see." She laughed a nervous and interrupted laugh. "But my dad says that's ok and he tells me how pretty the world is anyways."
"Beth! BETH!" A loud voice resonated up by the pier and Beth called back.
"Coming Dad!" Beth stood up, and looked down towards the left where she expected Ben to be sitting. "You can have those. I have a lot."
Beth followed her father's voice up to the boardwalk as he continued announcing her name. Ben, for a few minutes, sat comfortably glazing his eyes over the neon shades.
After a few minutes he closed his eyes, placed the neon shades above his noise, and meandered around the beach, tripping over ditches in the sand and stepping on rocks and shells as he clamored towards the boardwalk. Ben realized it was much darker with the shades on.
The sky lit up, if only for a bit, long enough for Ben to skip his way across the sandy terrain and up towards home, just before accidentally dropping the neon shades upon some crushed shells and sand.
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