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Thread: Short story: A Love Story

  1. #1
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    Short story: A Love Story
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    "A broken heart…it really leaves you just wanting to awaken from this dreadful shadowy nightmare," I whispered as I quivered there hundreds of feet above the ground. Yes, that is me standing there on that ledge, thoughts flooding my head, "Will this be painful," I cannot help but wonder. Feelings of my bygone existence suddenly enter my rapidly speeding distended heart. I stretch for the necklace that once drooped around my neck, but then reminisce at the last moment as I recall you taking the necklace from me. "I suppose it is time," I murmur as I ignore my senses and allow my figure to sway in the breeze that I once treasured.
    "Knock, knock," If it had stayed stormy that perfect night I might not have even heard it, but I did. It was sufficient to leave me hesitant, just stand stagnant, and look at the soaking damp ledge.
    "Are those my tears or had they dropped considerably lower, someplace I anticipated I would join," I questioned as I continued standing. I recognized that I ought to get down from this ledge, for the abhorrence within would be too much if you were to see me in this nature. I had been therefore close to concluding this aching pain by undertaking the unthinkable. However, as always you appear and express yourself once I need you the furthermost.
    I sashay along the hard wooden floor, incapable of lifting my feet from a shortage of liveliness. Thoughts whirl everywhere within my cranium as I approach the door that I know you are standing behind. Most folks would have surrender and left by now, but not you. I bellow out in a shallow voice, "Who is it," Just to make the door that is pounding harder than my heart stop.
    "You know who it is, please open the door…we need to talk," I heard in response. I could not help but spectacle what exactly it was she desired, but I reckoned I might as well discover what it is.
    "I will be right there," I say just as I reach the door that is hindering me from laying eyes on the girl that I love like no other. I look in the mirror that is next to the door, "how did I let myself become like this," I speak softly so she cannot hear. I look utterly horrible, a lengthy beard suspends where it was once smooth as a pebble, and I appear as if it has been numerous days since I had even bothered with my body. I cringe at the thought of you having to see me; I take a quick look through the peak hole to see your appearance. Imagine my disbelief when I noticed that you are wearing the exact dress that you sported to prom not all that long ago. Then my eyes shift to that necklace that I use to hold so dearest, by no means understanding why you took it from me.
    I open the door, allowing the shield between us to be broken, I see the glint in your eyes and feel the downpour of feelings that I have for you smash over me like an enormous tidal wave. What is running through your mind as you lay eyes on my body? Unexpectedly I see your lips that I used to kiss forever start to move. "I'm sorry, I did not hear what you said," I say in a sorrowful voice.
    "I said are you doing ok," she utters in her compassionate and adorable speech that I use to adore so much.
    "I am doing great actually," this of course was falsehood, truth of the matter is I would not be gratified until I heard the words, "until death do us part."
    "…I am ready….I do," her words were like bliss to my heart. It was as if somebody had drawn out my heart from my fragile body and fastened it together with super adhesive duct tape. "Do you still have the ring," I scarcely caught those words as I stood there in a motionless astonishment.
    I remembered a while ago, when it was a gorgeous day on the beach, almost as gorgeous as she was. Everything was successfully boundless, the dinner I prepared for you made you shriek in ecstasy, and the dessert conveyed you into a disposition I had never witnessed before. We made sweet love on my divan and allowed are feelings for each other to entangle. How foolish I was to try to change things by asking for your hand in marriage, the expression on your face when I asked it seemed destined to never to be. You sprinted off with me bellowing after you with my necklace that you had taken from me a few hours earlier. I was in tremor and I was livid, to my very own astonishment I did not heave the ring, which I had gotten just for you, right into the bay that day. Instead, I put the ring in my back pocket and when I got home, I cautiously put it by a table by the front door, where it would remain until the present.
    "Y…Ye….Yes…Yes I do" I have trouble spluttering out, from the direct result of still being in shock at her words.
    "May I have it," she utters in that innocent voice that she wears so perfectly. I stretch for the ring that is on top of the tabletop next to me, I permit my wobbly hand to pick the ring up, and with my hands, trembling like never before, and I slide the ring onto her finger while on one knee. I gaze up and see a slight tear coming from her right eye and a mammoth smile situated on her elegant face. I get up and spring upon her the largest, most passionate kiss I ever have given, feeling the sparks fly as we lock lips for what appears like forever, under no circumstances wanting to sojourn. I whisper to her in a soft loving voice, "When the eyes meet and hold strongly they are bound to meet again…I love you."

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  3. #3
    In the fog Charles Darnay's Avatar
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    Dec 2005
    trapped in a prologue.
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    It's one of those stories where it's difficult to to pinpoint exactly where the problems lie.

    First, I think, it is an extremely deterring first line:

    "A broken heart…it really leaves you just wanting to awaken from this dreadful shadowy nightmare,"

    That line is a sure way to lose a good number of readers right away. It's just so cliché and heavy-handed - and it is not the only example in your story.

    The language is also really inconsistent - switching between more formalized prose and casual, this is something you may want to look at.

    But I think the largest problem is that there is no sense of character. You need to give us reason to care about your character if you are going to effectively zoom in on a particular problem and internalize it as you do.

    Best of luck.
    I wrote a poem on a leaf and it blew away...

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