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Thread: I don't have a title yet :/

  1. #1
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    I don't have a title yet :/

    Thomas looked at the body from his Big Wheel tricycle. It was a girl’s body,

    Thomas thought, or at least it used to be. The flesh was nearly rotted away

    and the bones were bent and snapped in a way meant to make disposing of it

    in the small dark hole easier. The stench of it was sickening. The only way

    Thomas could even tell the body was human was the long black hair matted

    around the skull. Thomas looked at his glow-in-the-dark Spiderman watch, it

    was 8pm, an hour after Thomas’s curfew. He looked down at the body again,

    and then turned around to face the man pointing the gun at him.


    Thomas had been standing there staring at the body for some time

    before he heard the man walk up behind him, and after that it took another

    five minutes for Thomas to find the courage to turn around and look. It was

    dark and Thomas could barely make out the man’s face. Of what he could

    see, the most distinguishing feature was the man’s eyes. They were deep set

    in his head and seemed almost shriveled from age, the whites of his eyes were

    massive and bright compared to his small almost black pupils. It scared Thomas.


    “Mister are you the boogieman?” asked a frightened Thomas. The man didn’t

    respond for what seemed like forever to Thomas, until he finally said “Up.”.

    After another glance at the gun, Thomas obeyed. As he stood up Thomas

    slipped, and as he slipped his leg knocked into the Big Wheel and it tumbled

    down the hole. It landed on top of the body and made a nauseating crunch as

    the brittle bones snapped and released a new wave of its pungent odor. The

    sound of snapping bone, the smell of rotting flesh, and the intense feeling of

    fear was too much for 9 year old Thomas to handle. He threw up violently

    onto the man’s shoes and fainted.

    Thomas woke up cold with his hands bound behind his back. It was too

    dark to see where he was, but by feeling around with his fingertips Thomas

    realized he was in a concrete room, most likely a basement. All of a sudden

    what happened the night before came back to Thomas and he started to

    scream.

    Over time Thomas’s screams became quieter and less piercing as his

    voice grew weaker, and eventually he could do no more than let out a small

    squeak. Thomas was alone in the cold damp dungeon, and as his hysteria

    shrunk his fear started to grow. His breath quickened and each breath

    released a small cloud of steam into the air. Thomas’s hands were tied behind

    his back, but his legs were free and with his eyes now slightly used to the

    dark he decided to take a look around. Thomas stood up, took a tentative

    step forward, then tripped and saw stars as he hit his head on the hard floor.

    The taste of blood woke Thomas up from his injury induced slumber.

    “Where am I?” thought Thomas, “What happened?” Thomas tried to get up

    but every time he moved his head started to throb, eventually he just gave

    up and remained still. As hard as he tried, Thomas could not remember where

    he was or how he got there. He knew he must have hit his head as he could

    feel the blood start to dry and crack on his face, but other than that he had

    no idea.

    “Hello!” Thomas yelled, “I have to pee!” there was no response, and Thomas

    started to get scared. “I could really die down here….” he said to no one in a

    small voice. Twenty minutes later Thomas couldn’t hold it in for any longer.

    Thomas slowly started to get to his feet, but as he got up on one knee his

    foot slipped on the pool of blood below him and he tumbled back down to the

    floor. He screamed silently as the pain in his head re-doubled from the fall.

    Thomas felt a trickle of warm liquid running down his leg and realized he had

    lost control as he hit the floor. Lying in a puddle of his own piss and blood

    Thomas began to cry.

    Sometime later a light flooded into the room, and without use of his hands

    Thomas was helpless to shield himself from the harsh glow. As the light-spots

    and the pain faded away the silhouette of a tall man slowly came into view.

    “Help me…” said Thomas. The man gave Thomas a quizzical look.

    “I’m not going to help you”

    “Why not?” responded Thomas in a nervous tone.

    “You know why.” Thomas made eye contact with the man

    standing above him and was startled by the almost dead blackness of his

    pupils. The sight gave Thomas the chills, and as he felt the goosebumps rise

    on his arms and the hair of the back of his neck stand he realized he was

    terrified.

    “Pleeeeease!!!”, begged Thomas desperately. The man’s only response was

    pull a gun of his coat pocket and aim it at Thomas. As the light hit the barrel

    of the gun it gleamed in Thomas’s eyes, and all of a sudden he remembered where had seen the man before.

    “Please mister don’t hurt me I’m only nine years old”

    The man raised the gun and aimed it at Thomas. Thomas saw a flash.

  2. #2
    In the fog Charles Darnay's Avatar
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    The story reads like a fully psychologically/rationally developed adult (or at least young adult) has somehow slipped into a kid who has an 8pm curfew and rides a trike. He's 9? I'm sorry, but do 9 year-olds ride Big Wheels?

    But I guess, the point is, writing from a child's point of view is difficult, and you are not entirely successful here. In order to make this story work you have to first solidify how old Thomas is (because it is inconsistent) and second really remember what it is like to be that age, before you tried to rationalize everything.

    Best of luck.
    I wrote a poem on a leaf and it blew away...

  3. #3
    Registered User Calidore's Avatar
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    Few thoughts. Actually, my first thought is that I hope there's more to follow, because if the entire purpose of the story was to relate a pointless capture and murder of a child, the end, then it's a waste of bandwidth.

    That said:

    1) Not only is the hole dark, but Thomas needs a glow-in-the-dark watch to check the time, and he can barely make out the face of the man behind him. So how does he even see the body in the dark hole in the first place?

    2) The hole's described as small (and from a nine-year-old's perspective), but it's big enough for a Big Wheel to fall into, and deep enough for the trike to build up enough velocity to snap bones.

    3) Although, if the bones are dry and brittle enough for a plastic child's vehicle to break them, the body would be long past the point of smelling bad.

    4) That's pretty poor concealment of a body--an open hole in a place a kid can ride a Big Wheel to.

    5) Actually, some description of time and place would be good. You mention 8:00, and Thomas can see his breath (indoors) later, but an actual stated setting would help (and might clear up #4 at the least).

    6) How has this nine-year-old evaded discovery for an hour past curfew?
    You must be the change you wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Gandhi

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