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Thread: The House

  1. #1
    Jethro BienvenuJDC's Avatar
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    The House

    .....The sun strained to pierce the overcast, leaving a blurred image of the ball in the sky. As the young lasses were walking down the country lane talking about adventure, pirates, hobbits, and love, they came upon a an iron gate. A soft, steady breeze stayed upon their backs, casting their beautiful hair to and fro around their faces. The twins were visiting their cousin, Bekka, for the weekend to catch up on the times and bustle of recent events, as well as reminiscing the youthful memories of long ago. The road was blanketed with leaves discarded by the winter branches. The pasture that lined one side of the road belonged to farm had not serviced to feed any livestock for many years and appeared rather unkept without the equine gardeners to trim around the posts. The wind storm from the previous night had taken a large tree down. The wide girth of the branch rested on the stone wall where the gate post was anchored, and the weight had put the gate on a slight bind. The blond haired Bekka pointed out the catastrophic occurrence and the affect it placed on the antiquated chain binding the gate closed. Anna curiously stepped up to the simple iron lock gazing into its history, wondering about the events that may have brought this gate to block out the world. As she twisted the lock to see the face of it something spectacular happened, like fate was begging for the ladies to explore. The old tumblers rolled as the lock came open. Then the gate pulled the end link from the lock, and the hinges sprung into motion. Anna jumped back as if she had expected the iron to violently push her out of the way, but the gate was not holding any tension created by the fallen tree. To the contrary, the gate slowly creaked open, breaking away what might have been decades of rust in the hinges. In one fluid motion, as if being pushed open by a servant of the house, the gate welcomed the guests into the courtyard. The three women looked at the opening, then looked to each other in wonderment. A smile began to spread across Jo's face as she first looked to her sister for encouragement. The smile quickly spread from her face encompassing her eyes and ears like a burst of energy taking over her entire body. It infected Anna as if the sisters were connected by their sense of adventure and the thoughts were shared between the two without any words being spoken. Then Bekka with a bit of concern in her countenance was overtaken with their joy as the worry was pushed from her completely. They all joined hands with Jo in the center pulling them through the opening, and as they passed between the stone pillars holding the gateposts a transformation had occurred. The three women in the twenties became as young girls again. They did not literally become little girls in body, but in soul and spirit the youthful imaginations occupied their being.

    .....The courtyard leading to an old abandoned house lay under their feet. The front door drew Anna's mind to it as she could not resist examining the workmanship that had once adorn the entrance. Not a window in the house was left unbroken, and the house was clearly uninhabited, or was it? There was a gravity that the mystery of the house had upon the girls.
    Les Miserables,
    Volume 1, Fifth Book, Chapter 3
    Remember this, my friends: there are no such things as bad plants or bad men. There are only bad cultivators.

  2. #2
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    I think there is a discrepancy between young lasses and women. Then you tell us they are in their twenties and become young girls again but not literally but in soul, spirit and youthful imaginations. Since you referred to them as young lasses at the beginning I expected them to have all those characteristics about them in the first place when they stumbled across the farm but for some reason you deem them women after the second line and so everything I imagined them to be is removed and you are tasked with having to give back to what I thought they already were if that makes any sense which made for awkward reading and explaining on the part of the N.

    Please consider that you already had these young lasses character in a nutshell at the beginning. Maybe even young, mischievous lasses without having to refer to their ages, unless age is imperative to your story.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  3. #3
    Jethro BienvenuJDC's Avatar
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    This is actually based on true events, and I know the young ladies. Maybe I should change the reference of lass to lady. I will also attempt to develop the character of the young ladies that I know, and it would help the story. Of course maybe my own perspective of what young is in respect to these ladies is tainted by my own age. I'll look at that again and do some editing. Thank you for your input.
    Les Miserables,
    Volume 1, Fifth Book, Chapter 3
    Remember this, my friends: there are no such things as bad plants or bad men. There are only bad cultivators.

  4. #4
    The Wolf of Larsen WolfLarsen's Avatar
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    This piece just doesn't have it. It is wordy. What's the point?
    "...the ramblings of a narcissistic, self-obsessed, deranged mind."
    My poetry & other stuff on Amazon:
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  5. #5
    Jethro BienvenuJDC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WolfLarsen View Post
    This piece just doesn't have it. It is wordy. What's the point?
    Having read your conglomeration of letters and punctuation, I'll respond with....I don't care.
    Les Miserables,
    Volume 1, Fifth Book, Chapter 3
    Remember this, my friends: there are no such things as bad plants or bad men. There are only bad cultivators.

  6. #6
    Registered User Darcy88's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WolfLarsen View Post
    This piece just doesn't have it. It is wordy. What's the point?
    Ha! This is a centillion times superior to anything I've ever read from you Wolf.

    But I think the courtyard or the house has to be described and shown to be haunting or majestic or other-worldly, something to justify the hyperbole of the women's reaction to the opening of the gate. And it needs to be edited. It could be made a whole lot better without changing very much, leaving most of it intact. And also I don't like the word "lass," but that could just be me. Unless you're in Ireland.

    Its obviously a beginning to something longer. Write the rest.

  7. #7
    Jethro BienvenuJDC's Avatar
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    @Darcy
    I need to continue with this piece, I intend to do some flashbacks that are linked to subtle events in the present. I haven't figured out exactly how I'm going to do it, but it will lead up to a much larger unexpected conclusion. Thanks for you input.
    Les Miserables,
    Volume 1, Fifth Book, Chapter 3
    Remember this, my friends: there are no such things as bad plants or bad men. There are only bad cultivators.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by WolfLarsen View Post
    This piece just doesn't have it. It is wordy. What's the point?
    Quote Originally Posted by BienvenuJDC View Post
    Having read your conglomeration of letters and punctuation, I'll respond with....I don't care.
    Actually, I'd take it as a complement, Bien. If Wolf actually liked it, then you'd have something to worry about.

  9. #9
    Registered User Darcy88's Avatar
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    I did like it. I would do some tinkering with it, but as a whole its good. Sentences like these read straightforward and nice.

    The wind storm from the previous night had taken a large tree down. The wide girth of the branch rested on the stone wall where the gate post was anchored, and the weight had put the gate on a slight bind.

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