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Thread: Obsession

  1. #1
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    Obsession

    This obsession to bleed
    imagine and dither, in lines
    that insist upon endless cycles
    of addiction,
    seeking answers to questions,
    I fail to possess,
    the eloquence
    of understanding, to ask.
    I seek to escape this love
    that laughs behind my back,
    that comes and then goes,
    that shows me a crack,
    where the light splits a colon
    and my very next w o r d
    is my last.
    Last edited by Jerrybaldy; 01-29-2012 at 08:39 PM.

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  2. #2
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Very dark and with a self harming theme. Open to all manner of interpretation.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  3. #3
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    Thank you Delta. Its just about writing poetry (here)

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  4. #4
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
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    The self-deprecation at the end of the poem can't be more gracefully done. I won't accept the notion of the "last word". Coming from JB every word from is lasting.

    what a great line this is:

    I seek to escape this love
    that laughs behind my back

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

  5. #5
    Word Dispenser BookBeauty's Avatar
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    I really, really love this. The words play so well against each other. There are hard and soft notes that hit the point home and make it mean so much more. But, yes. Delta said it best.
    There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written. ~Oscar Wilde.

  6. #6
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    For me, the best moment here is

    I seek to escape this love
    that laughs behind my back


    enjoyed


    Bar

  7. #7
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    There is a problem with the punctuation in this one JB. As it stands it is a very awkward read, especially in the middle part where the sense of what you are saying becomes a bit obscure. Some of the line-breaks are a little unsympathetic. I'm not keen on the repetition of seeking/seek and I'd recommend changing the seek for another word. "I fail to possess," sounds nice and has a good rhythem, but it doesn't work in situe. It over extends the line and the way you've inserted it as another subordinate clause, just muddies the water before the payoff. I'm in two minds as to whether the repetition of 'that' is problematic. There is nice assonance in the succession of flat a sounds in this bit, but I've suggested an alternative wording which is equally as good without repeating a word.

    "This obsession to bleed,
    imagine and dither
    in lines that insist upon endless cycles
    of addiction,
    seeking answers to questions
    I lack the eloquence
    of understanding to ask.
    I long to escape this love
    that laughs behind my back,
    that comes, then goes
    and shows me a crack,
    where the light splits a colon
    and my very next w o r d
    is my last."

    I confess that my initial interpretation of this poem was centred around cancer. It was the mention of bleeding and the specific reference to a colon which suggested this to me. Why choose this particular punctuation mark, and why would light split it? As an ode to the creative process it does make a bit more sense

    An interesting read.

    Live and be well - H

  8. #8
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    Thank you Haunted, Book beauty and Bar.

    Hawk, that is some in depth reply thank you very much and I agree with the changes you have made to this, it does read better.

    Regards the colon..... the light is me seeing the light to end this obsession and it splits a colon (in half) thereby leaving a full stop. Convoluted .... definitely never expected it would be understood.

    Thanks again for such an in depth response and taking the time.

    cheers
    JerryB

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  9. #9
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    I don wanna dig into a "why"... tired of it. Simply loved it.... JB...
    especially the lines...
    " I seek to escape this love
    that laughs behind my back,
    that comes and then goes "

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