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Thread: rain and musing

  1. #1
    Dawn Taster Astromaxis's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
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    rain and musing

    sometimes I listen to rain
    it seems to have much to say
    like an old schoolmate in a cafe
    the clouds helping to unseal the envelope or was it thunder?
    cloud the envelope, the thunder the knife

    was it beautiful
    oh yes
    rain spoke softly
    with gusto
    with formality
    and amicability

    the many faces and tones
    like a child in play
    or a lover feeling love

    or a novelist writing in a grey world
    pausing only to see the rays of sun.▬

  2. #2
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    You'reasking us to take in rather too much with this piece I fear

    - verse 2 listing a number of contradictory images - 'softly/with gusto' - you can't have both unless you're reflecting on the many guises of rain.

    - verse 3 just makes no sense (how can rain be all this?)

    - and the opening verse is also confusing due to the abrupt jump from someone talking in a cafe to a knife cutting open an envelope.

    I think if you were to focus on one or two metaphors and concentrate on developing them further it would be more effective. The final couplet for instance is promising.


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