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Thread: The Second Annual Cold Ale Blokes Christmas Play

  1. #1
    Clinging to Douvres rocks Gilliatt Gurgle's Avatar
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    The Second Annual Cold Ale Blokes Christmas Play

    Dear esteemed members of the Forums, before we open the curtains, you should be aware that in order for the following to make sense, it would have been necessary to follow the Cold Ale Blokes thread over the past year. The play is composed of poems and other odds and ends posted by the Blokes during that time.
    If you didn’t follow the thread, don’t worry, it still doesn’t make sense, but we hope you enjoy…

    A Cold Ale Blokes Production presents the second annual Cold Ale Blokes Christmas Play


    Promenade and the Allotment Gnome

    In the manner of Mussorgsky and Jack Schaefer

    Featuring the Flat Earth Poets Society
    Narrated by Captain Beefheart

    Dramatis personae

    The Gnome – Peter Lorre. Carries a gramophone on his back.

    Spud Buster – A beleaguered allotment farmer with two sheds. Remnant of the Big One, once served as Field Marshal Montgomery’s allotment caretaker.

    …The two sheds:
    (Shed No 1 -Post 4698 and Shed No 2 – Post 4699)

    Glorious Albion – Spud Buster’s wife. Old Seth took center stage in her dreams for a spell. Shed No 2 makes her feel frisky.

    Old Seth – A high plains drifter turned farm hand, quick on the draw with his Colt spade revolver. Can pop a spud out the ground at 20 paces. Played by Alan Ladd

    Fred - The annoying neighbor

    Thomas O’Malley – One of the famed “Gatti di Roma” who drifted North by Northwest to the West Midlands on his way to Kilkenny. Recently inherited 10 million euro from his mistress.

    Padre Martini – A back masking evangelist. Wears a Mozart mask. Exorcizes Led Zeppelin albums in Shed No. 1.

    Billy Aristotle – An exporter of first rate Dumas dung for use as soil amendments. Established the Dung Road trading route between Dumas Texas and the West Midlands

    Neighboring Allotment Farmers (NAF) – Serve as choral respondents

    Parker – Offers private screenings to the ladies

    Flat Earth Poets Society:

    J=Jocky, PC = Paulclem, P = Prendrelemick, MB = Mark Bastable (portion of musical score) , SM=Soundofmusic (blank verse), GG = Gilliatt Gurgle and special guests; ELP= Emerson Lake and Palmer and HW = Hawkwind

    The Prologue

    Captain Beefheart
    The wind doth blast up in the north
    where yon Scot sits all of a quiver.
    The Yuletide play draws quickly forth
    shouldst he throw himself into the river.
    Quills are sharp and the wits are keen
    forsooth he must anon hie hence
    O'er the festive days he must not be seen
    and must o'erleap the snow clad fence.
    The wits do gnaw and worry at his bones
    and yon sands of time they do ship faster
    Winter storms doth drowneth out his groans
    of his own self he is no longer master.

    Alas poor Jocky accepts his sure fate
    to end up like Feste outside the gate. ………J

    And now dear friends…

    Sit back, relax in tufted velveteen.
    Take a draught of starchy potcheen
    that showers from concession spigots.
    Free refills obtained with the stub of your tickets.

    Gnaw the spud lanced by the skewer
    Dawn your glasses, it’s a 3D viewer
    The Conductor’s head’s as thick as brick
    An overture begins with a nod to the pit…..….GG

    The Overature
    Promenade and the Gnome

    NAF: (Cue: 8:18)

    “Lead me from tortured dreams
    Childhood themes of nights alone.
    Wipe away endless years,
    childhood tears as dry as stone.

    From seeds of confusion,
    illusions dark blossoms have grown.
    Even now in furrows of sorrow
    the dance still is sung.

    My life's course is guided
    decided by limits drawn
    on charts of my past ways
    and pathways since I was born.” ….…..ELP

    (Alternate Overture - )

    Exeunt Overture including the alternate

    Act I
    Scene I

    Captain Beefheart
    Prologue to Act 1
    Coventry isn’t so loventry in cold gray, as December’s frosty scrim lowers on the allotments of West Midlands. Veils of smoke from burning Led Zeppelin albums and imported Dumas dung, hangs languid in stratified layers above the once hallowed grounds now trampled underfoot by marauding hoards of sheep and shepherds.
    Rancid potatoes lay scattered among eroded furrows once plowed with pride by Spud Buster and Glorious Albion, now plucked by crows and perforated with bolls.
    Tull’s tuber drill contraption offered some hope for the allotment farmers in gaining the upper hand in the ongoing feud with the wool mongers, that is, until Tull discovered a magic flute in Shed No 2.

    Tull ran off with a group of minstrels and started a band.

    Tull’s departure left the potato farmers high and dry with no hope of holding on to their little scratch of dirt against the Tup borne barbarians. The writing was on the shed; the farmers must yield their land, sheds, tubers and spades to the sheep barons and move on. Like Steinbeck’s Joads, the farmers began their exodus from the Spud Bowl, heading west to California, only the back masking Padre chose to remain, carrying on his pursuit of the dark arts….

    Padre Martini:
    seY ereht era owt sdehs uoy nac og yub
    nur gnol eht ni tub
    ti lilts syap ot teg a griht eno no

    (Yes there are two sheds you can go buy
    But in the long run
    It still pays to get a third one on)….…..PC

    Captain Beefheart
    As the refugee farmers approached Coventry one frosty Christmas eve, succor descended from the mountains of Wyoming in the form a gnome and his travelling companion; a steel eyed, spade sling’n drifter from Jackson Hole named Old Seth.

    Hark, they approach from the west…

    The Gnome and Old Seth entered the allotments in a split flanking maneuver. Their battle cry was heard by the farmers who joined in the chorus…

    NAF and the rest of the cast except Fred and Padre Martini
    A hunting we will go
    A hunting we will go
    Quark and Nutrin-ee-o
    A hunting we will go

    we stalk the wounded Lepton
    and trap the cunning Muon
    up spin or down spin its all the same to us

    So weave your webs like spiders
    aim your Hadron colliders,
    Fermions or Tau its all the same to us .

    But one thing you must know son.
    Don't mess with a Higgs- Boson.
    If you're going to con Cern its all the same to us………P

    Act II
    Scene I

    Glorious Albion
    There was a farmer who drank horlicks
    who kept measuring his prized rams b......s
    Till his missus said to he
    you are not seeing to me
    but Old Seth the farm hand makes me rollicks. Boom Boom……..J

    Captain Beefheart
    The Gnome couldn’t help but notice Glorious Albion’s furtive glances toward Old Seth since he arrived, her flushed cheeks, sleepless nights and the rapid rise and fall of her bosom.

    The Gnome
    If you can't sleep, you can try,
    The curmudgeon's lullaby,
    Thats gin and orange and whisky rye,
    Soon golden slumbers close your eye.

    And golden dreams can then begin,
    Of you and Old Seth, and his* twin?
    And Parker comes and tucks you in,
    And wipes the gin from off your chin..…….P
    aside *Prendrelemick’s original words- “…Steffi and her…”

    After which he begins his preening
    To swoon the girls
    For a private screening…….GG

    Glorious Albion
    After the last few years, Parker will not get the chance to drag me behind another screen.
    Last time, I found myself next morning in Sod Buster’s* shed with Fred’s* pink tup, Billy Aristotle’s* wallet and gator boots and a tarred and feathered life sized Prince Charles doll.......SM

    aside *Soundofmusic’s original words “Paul’s”, “Prens”, “Jockys”

    Captain Beefheart
    The Gnome’s counseling of Glorious Albion was interrupted by a husky baritone voice coming from the south east…

    Thomas O’Malley
    I come from a Roma search’n
    Fur a fair Kilkenny brawl
    Upon this allotment I’m lurch’n
    To launch fur balls stuck in me craw………GG

    …So tell me…

    Is that old Brummie weather-lore?

    When gulls do croi above the green,
    A frost will next be seen.

    When they return unto the cowst,
    Cast your clout or yow will rowst……….P

    Act II
    Scene II

    Captain Beefheart
    Across the allotment, the sound of jibber jabber could be heard from Shed No 1. Old Seth, the Gnome, Spud Buster and Thomas O’Malley headed across the field and surrounded the shed. The Padre could be heard inside spewing forth incantations in a corrupted form of blank verse whilst “Houses of the Holy” was levitating in flames.

    Martini’s voice was shaken, but not stirred…

    Padre Martini:
    Thieving dogs
    Prince Charles' Jack Russels
    Satanic Sheds - Led Zeppellin's original name
    A case of Highland envy - shedwise
    An annoying neighbour
    Mystical levitating albums
    A proposal for this year's Blokes Thread Play
    Sounds drinking habits/ potato cheese dishes/ the trouble with chianti/ a welcome/ a request for an illicit substance's recipe/ the Miami demographic/ careers advice
    Testicle Tape - Ill never forget
    A telling off/ un-PC ness/ a realisation
    Speculation about a relocation/ praise for the qualities of wives
    A tip for using Testicle tape……………PC

    Captain Beefheart
    Having just delivered a fresh load of soil amendments, Billy Aristotle takes time to shoot the breeze with Spud Buster telling him of the latest news from Texas.

    Billy Aristotle
    The dangers of following the Rangers
    Cannot be known by strangers.
    Your hair you'll pull out
    At the Umpire's shout
    You'll boo and you'll hiss
    At a swing and a miss
    you'll shout and cheer
    And drink too much beer
    And your hopes, they be fecund
    Then you finish second………P

    Spud Buster
    Tis the basest of ball
    That has you in thrall.
    A game that so confounds us,
    I think I'll stick to Rounders. ……….P

    Act III
    Scene I

    Captain Beefheart
    The Gnome and Old Seth’s work here was done. The allotment Farmers had regained control of their land, Jack Palance and the rest of the wool mongers were no longer a threat. The Gnome hoisted his gramophone on his back and headed south with Old Seth, to deal with that damned brouhaha regarding Shakespeare and the Italian connection.

    Old Seth
    What are you spinnin on that old thing?

    The Gnome
    “Hawkwind”, you wanna share an ear bud? ……… courtesy of MB

    The End

    Sponsers (Cue up Ian Anderson….courtesy of Jocky) -

    Flat Earth Poets Society
    Coventry Reclamation of Allotments Party – Furnished extras serving as the NAF
    Stage hands provided by Nesbits of Northumbria
    Dumas AAA Dung
    Tidy Cat litter

    Scene that didn’t make the final cut

    The Gnome tours “pictures at an exhibition” in Shed no 2 and goes berserk:

    Scores from the play plus bonus tracks
    Available on vinyl and 8 tracks in the Lobby

    Emerson Lake and Palmer

    Modest Mussorgsky

    Jethro Tull

    Theme to Shane – Victor Young

    Thomas O’Malley


    Ian Anderson…..J

    Led Zeppelin

    Emmylou Harris

    Canned Heat

    Bing Crosby

    Burl Ives

    Mississippi John Hurt

    A Charlie Brown Christmas

    Vaughn Monroe
    Last edited by Gilliatt Gurgle; 12-20-2011 at 02:21 PM. Reason: I missed a bolding
    "Mongo only pawn in game of life" - Mongo

  2. #2
    Registered User prendrelemick's Avatar
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    Get your speech ready for the Tonys GG
    ay up

  3. #3
    All are at the crossroads qimissung's Avatar
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    Lost in the bell's curve
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    Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Encore! I can't say I undrstood a word of it; therein lies it's genius!
    "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its' own reason for existing." ~ Albert Einstein
    "Remember, no matter where you go, there you are." Buckaroo Bonzai
    "Some people say I done alright for a girl." Melanie Safka

  4. #4
    TobeFrank Paulclem's Avatar
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    Marvellous - again.

  5. #5
    Clinging to Douvres rocks Gilliatt Gurgle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by prendrelemick View Post
    Get your speech ready for the Tonys GG
    Yeah, the phone's been ringing off the hook!
    Not my speech, our speech. We'll piece it together much like the play.
    The Tony will fit nicely behind the bar on the wall of shame.

    Quote Originally Posted by qimissung View Post
    Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Encore! I can't say I undrstood a word of it; therein lies it's genius!
    Glad you enjoyed it. There may just be an encore if Paul is willing to find and lend us his youtube video.

    Quote Originally Posted by Paulclem View Post
    Marvellous - again.
    Paul, I must apologize for not including your youtube video in the play. I had the video pinned up on the story board, but the cat must have knocked it off. Your anger towards me is justified.

    Evereyone involved broke a leg this year. Great job.

    "Mongo only pawn in game of life" - Mongo

  6. #6
    TobeFrank Paulclem's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gilliatt Gurgle View Post

    Paul, I must apologize for not including your youtube video in the play. I had the video pinned up on the story board, but the cat must have knocked it off. Your anger towards me is justified.


    Nay - no anger. Just the joy o' he season.

    I'll look into doing another one - ha ha.

  7. #7
    TobeFrank Paulclem's Avatar
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    Here is an encore video summing up some of the vital and topical discussions that have manifesting on the Cold Ale Thread in the latter part of this year.

  8. #8
    Clinging to Douvres rocks Gilliatt Gurgle's Avatar
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    Magnificent !!
    I'm already seeing Netflix pop up ads featuring your video each time I check the "General Movies, Music and Television" category.

    "Mongo only pawn in game of life" - Mongo

  9. #9
    sound of music soundofmusic's Avatar
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    I'd comment; but I am all a-flutter, Parker, get my smelling was truly, I may cry....wonderful!

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