On a round sky and a round earth
In the long weeds and profound worth
Of brown moles and sound mirth
Of indifference and defined hearts
You sing in one breath,
I believe your song.
On a round sky and a round earth
In the long weeds and profound worth
Of brown moles and sound mirth
Of indifference and defined hearts
You sing in one breath,
I believe your song.
I like it, yet i personally feel like it focused to heavily on rhyming, where i 'd wish it would be a little more simple.
True depth in poems is realized through simpleness, rather than complexity.
The simpler, the deeper.
To be specific:
I liked:
"You sing in one breath,
I believe your song. "
I hated:
"Of brown moles and sound mirth"
The rest was okay.
The end carries the power of lack of structure, lack of obedience, while the start feels like forced form.
Last edited by Lamarq; 12-26-2011 at 11:58 PM.
I agree to most of what you have to say... especially "the simpler, the deeper" part...
the "lack" of obedience and structure is something I engage in, for a feel of freedom ...
however, I would like the phrase "forced form" to be explained as "form" interests me more than anything else...
Thank you...