The air was cold and gray
when the streets mirrored rivers
with the sun fogged and lost
behind the frozen wind.
That night it seemed
the world disappeared.
The air was cold and gray
when the streets mirrored rivers
with the sun fogged and lost
behind the frozen wind.
That night it seemed
the world disappeared.
"We are animals with problems that no other animal has." - Radam J. Starkiller
Good poem which would be a great poem if you took out that 1st 'telling' line and left the rest of the poem to 'show' us what you saw.
H
If you were inclined to take Hill's advice, the alleged "telling" might be replaced by
In the cold gray air
the streets mirrored rivers
but I didn't find it intrusive as you had it. I admire the economy of the poem.
Last edited by PrinceMyshkin; 12-04-2011 at 04:39 PM.
Nice poem. It is direct and paints a clear picture in the reader's mind.
I especially like the finishing couplet; it gave me the sense of being on a deserted street on a cold night. Thanks for sharing.
I enjoyed it for its brevity and at the same time the scene you conveyed is moody and vivid, like a little painting in an art gallery.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
I agree. December 3rd is an important day to me. I loved your poem's brevity and moodiness.
"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its' own reason for existing." ~ Albert Einstein
"Remember, no matter where you go, there you are." Buckaroo Bonzai "Some people say I done alright for a girl." Melanie Safka
Thank you for the kind words. And Hill as always I'll take that into mind for future reference.
"We are animals with problems that no other animal has." - Radam J. Starkiller
I liked this concise poem, but I do agree with Hill, removing the first line creates anticipation.
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