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Thread: Greetings with a poem - The Untitled Poem

  1. #1
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    Greetings with a poem - The Untitled Poem

    Hi, I'm new here and it's a pleasure to meet you all. Please give me guidance and correct me as i fumble along my way.

    Here's one of my pieces, comments are most welcome (Although i couldn't come up with an appropriate title for it, i'm open to suggestions to that as well)

    The Untitled Poem

    The world is always sane,
    Seeking nothing but gain.
    But my own starts to wane,
    As i always end up with pain.
    A drop of blood falls from my heart,
    Shaped just like a crimson tear.

    The moon above starts to wane,
    I start to question if I’m sane.
    There will be no gain,
    Without first bearing pain.
    Another dream I had to tear,
    Silencing the wishes of my heart.

    The world has given me nothing but pain,
    So my wrath and malice it shall gain.
    On the brink of just being sane,
    Obstacles and enemies I shall tear.
    My efforts will never wane,
    Until I exhaust the rage in my heart.

    I have no need to be sane,
    My conscience simply starts to wane.
    I will numb myself from pain,
    That immunity I shall gain.
    On the ground I see a tear,
    From which I rebuild a brand new heart.

    No longer sane,
    My emotions wane,
    There was nothing for me to gain,
    Only never-ending pain.
    A red crystal frozen for each tear,
    As I iced my still beating heart.

    Regret filled my frozen heart,
    As I realized I was far from sane.
    I can no longer feel pain.
    But nothing I have gained.
    Only a shattered heart
    And eyes that no longer tear.

  2. #2
    Employee of the Month blank|verse's Avatar
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    And greetings to you too, Avanis.

    I can see what you're trying to do with your first post; it's a decent attempt at what looks at first glance to be a sestina, but doesn't strictly follow the sestina's rhyme scheme. They're difficult to write well because of the repetition, and that's the biggest problem for me with this poem, as I'm sure it will be for other readers (mentioning no - hillwalker - names).

    If I'm honest, I gave up reading it after a couple of stanzas, because I knew what was coming next, and I didn't feel it would be sufficiently rewarding to read. The reason for this is because you've set yourself such a restrictive rhyme scheme, it's dictating what you write; a poet should be using a form to his or her - and the poem's - advantage, not as a writing exercise to see how many times he or she can rhyme certain words (and it doesn't help that four lines are full rhymes).

    It's also far too abstract; there are no telling details or observations about real life as you or others experience it so it's hard to relate to, and is another reason I switched off. See if you can write about real, simple things first; think about what they mean to you or others; see if you can make the reader see the world differently through the skill of your words.

    I hope that's not too disheartening and that you will accept that as constructive criticism. Keep writing is the main thing; and keep reading other poems in contemporary books and magazines; along with those on LitNet which you can add your own comments to as well.

  3. #3
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    I feel b|v has stolen my thunder - ahem!

    but he knows me better than I know myself.

    And I have to agree with everything he has said. You've bitten off more than you can chew with this effort. The form you have chosen has limited the way you can express yourself. A case of the tail wagging the dog.
    Full marks for trying but one wonders why you bothered with such a cumbersome form in the first place. It can't have been that enjoyable to write.

    The ideas you impart are not particularly original or enlightening either and could easily be summarised in 4 lines of verse.

    You might do better to start off by writing something a little simpler that has some relevance to your own life rather than some rambling exploration of pain/anger/insanity (?) that reveals nothing new. We know that this hasn't been written from your own life experience because there's none of you in this poem.

    You won't find your own voice until you put some of yourself into the work - the personal touch. And the only way to do that is write about something meaningful to you .

    That's not to say that this poem is irrepairable. The last two lines of verse 1 would make an interesting starting point if you want to explore despair or hurt for instance.
    But again - things like lost love or frustration with life in general are huge topics and have been written about so many times before by far more experienced poets that it will take some doing to come up with a fresh perspective.

    What you must do before you set pen to paper ever again is forget about trying to find words that rhyme in order to create a poem because if you don't you'll end up twisting more sentences into ridiculous expressions like

    ...my wrath and malice it shall gain... Obstacles and enemies I shall tear...
    immunity I shall gain.
    or But nothing I have gained.

    No one on the planet speaks English that way so why would anyone choose to write or indeed want to read stuff like this?

    Read as much as you can to get a feel for how poetry can condense a great deal into just a few words - and yes, keep writing and posting on here.

    Good luck

    H

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