Verbal Harangue
Accidental words
fall out
like bloodied teeth
splattering the white pages red.
A rage
as startling as
jammed piano keys.
The overwhelming power
of an uncontrollable
verbal assault,
a heinous
personality flaw,
hits the face
like a swung
baseball bat.
And the toothless
mouth is left
with a hand
covering the silent pain
and dripping blood.
It reads (red, red!) as if N had freshly undergone a serious verbal abuse! Dear me, hope he/she's better now as the "teeth" are spit out on the page.
And your poem is vivid enough to send shivers down my spine!
Blessings,
Bah4Bar....
This is really very strong Buh4. But there is some confusion for the reader, a change of direction in the metaphor. beginning with the uncontollable verbal assault equated with spitting teeth and blood, "Rage as startling as jammed piano keys" (excellent imagery) but then it "hits the face like a swung baseball bat", which the reader assumes is the recipient.
I can understand being on the wrong end of a harangue being equated with a smack in the face with a baseball bat, and also the embarrassment and regret at having flipped and delivered the tirade. but I can't quite fit being hit in the face with the bat as delivering the tirade. Assuming the entire piece is meant to illustrate how the realisation and regret of having lost control feels like being hit in the face, then perhaps the order of the images could do with revision.
I would suggest exchanging the places of S1 and S2.
Live and be well - H
Last edited by Hawkman; 11-23-2011 at 07:48 AM.
Thank you both. I have written this over many days. It's inspiration is generated from bits and pieces from my daily life, childhood, and general nature to try to control my tongue. It was not inspired from one event, as it may seem. So thank you Bar.
Hawk- You are right about the change in perspective and it may be better if I change the order of the stanzas. I need more time to think about it,
Thank you both for reading!
This is a beautiful childish poem. I am not one to adhere to the idea of the power of words, except in those early days of childhood when there are no defenses because all has to be experienced and learned. At that early stage, words is all we have to deal with. As we mature, we recognize that, and words are no longer something that can make a major dent in personality. We learn to separate physical and verbal attacks. But for what it is, I give it a 10.
10 out of ? What is the scale up to? 10/10. I'd say that is generous, as it's just a small piece.
Any how,
thank you for reading and paternal words.
A lot of power in this one, Bee.
"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its' own reason for existing." ~ Albert Einstein
"Remember, no matter where you go, there you are." Buckaroo Bonzai "Some people say I done alright for a girl." Melanie Safka
Always a pleasure to read your response! Thank you.
Agreed with qimissung. The image of being hit in the mouth is particularly brutal.
J
Paternal words? Ha! Heck, why not?Originally Posted by Buh4Bee
Jack- Thanks for stopping by! See, your recommendation to post stuck with!
Well this forum is all the better for it. Keep working and sharing!
J
Although not all the repetition works for me, this poem is as well-animated as a Hitchcock sequence. Sparse, but it stands on its bloody own. Well harangued!
"My Soul, do not seek eternal life, but to exhaust the realm of possibility." -Pindar
The poem reflects the savage potency of verbal assault quite well.
I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's. ~ William Blake
Captivity is consciousness,
So's liberty. ~ Emily Dickinson
Thanks for the compliment Deryk!
Thanks for reading AG.
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