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Thread: Hero (unfinished)

  1. #1

    Hero (unfinished)

    hi peeps i would really like it if someone could leave me some feed back on my short story, Some parts im missing information so i left **** throughout the texts. thanks, Liam McCarthy from uk and wanting to goto Bournemouth uni

    Hero.
    BFPO. 20040984. 12/06/1982
    2lt Spencer, Thomas.
    Farther today in class we learnt about heroes like you and how you and your soldiers are defending the England, I couldn’t stand it every word Mrs. Gillian spoke off just reminded me of you I miss your comfort when you read to me, The hugs you give me every night and most of all the feelings of safety i feel when you are around me which could never be replaced.
    Mother is missing you to although she doesn’t mention you much, I can sense fear in her voice as she stutters when your name is mentioned or when she witnesses the images on the tv. I'd like to comfort her but how can I what could i possibly say?
    As i walked past the television shop I found myself standing there all day staring at the broadcast watching the soldiers fight, you all look so tired and filthy as the screen fell to one solider I felt a struggle to even breath. It looked like this particular man hasn’t slept for weeks, his eyes had a deep depression as a picked up a gun and shot i noticed tears after each bullet, Why is he like that are that I thought soldiers are fearless heroes.

    Margret Thatcher spoke how important your job is I didn’t know exactly what your objective is though you are on everyone’s mind. Please write back to me Father it isn’t the same without you.
    all my love, Haley xx




    26 belvue road, bexleyheath, kent, ks98 2fy. 23/06/1982
    To my dearest Haley every day is a struggle here though I am reassured with your letters and also the beauty off the country side. Wild horses gallop through the long grass reminds me of harry when I come back we will ride him all day and have a picnic on the hills. you have so many questions for your age you have such a talented mind, words cannot express how very proud i am of you though your mother tells me you have been failing your classes, this cannot do Haley I know life is difficult for you right now but you have to promise me to try harder at your studies.
    your mother is finding it very hard you have to really consider what she has to go through be tough for me and try to help her through our situation. If you cook her tea tomorrow i know she will appreciate it.
    As you most likely already know war isn’t nice no matter what anyone says not a single person deserves to be involved in it. The solider you seen on the television was scared, at some level we all are.
    to end on a happy note there is a moment of peace this land offers, As the sun hits the cold morning my mind freezes for a short period of time the lovely birds sing their songs, the sky is a faded colour of red mixed with blue even though each morning we gaze at the beautiful every day it seems more righteous.
    I managed to piece together a birthday gift for you, it’s a surprise.
    See you soon.
    Your loving father.
    Thomas.




    BFPO. 20040984. 25/06/1982
    2lt Spencer, Thomas.

    Times of being sad has left our mind as we will be reunited next week, the thought of you coming back is the only present i want, but i would always welcome gifts.
    I received a 'A' in my English today farther, And grandpa came to visit us he non-stops talking about you and how he faced the Germans back in world war two he says when you come back we will have a celebration I can’t wait just counting down the days until you return.
    Mother is so delighted she has come out of her shell. She is re decorating the house for the party. Everyone in the neighborhood are always coming over reassuring mother*** how you’re going to be okay. My school friend Elizabeth said "all you men are heroes because you kill the enemy" i replied "my father is isn’t a hero because he kills people, My father is a hero because he loves me and supports me" just like when the robbers broke in you stopped them and bought me a teddy named albert, I still can’t sleep without him.

    ever since i received your last letter I been trying to wake up at 5am and maybe catch a glimpse off the sun as it awakens from the horizon but it’s terribly hard mother said when you are back we can view the sky together she’ll even prepare my favorite stew.
    Even though i am turning fifteen soon I feel like i don’t care, compared to us being a family again nothing in the century can compare to it.
    I love you father with all my heart, I won’t write to you again as you**** the letter won’t reach you in time.
    I see you* in one week, which is seven days, which is one hundred and sixty eight hours! I know that because i have been counting them down as the clock's bells dong.
    All my love.
    Haley xxx


    Urgent.
    26 Belvue road, Bexleyheath, Kent, KS98 2FY. 26/06/82

    To the attention of Mrs. Spencer after unforeseen circumstances a rebel group cowardly attacked a small holding of British troops in (***********) as you may be aware this is where 2lt Spencer was located. We took a huge hit resulting in a number of casualties we truly regret to inform you Thomas Spencer was one of the many soldiers we lost on our campaign though i shall assure you in his death lies victory. Within this final letter I have enclosed a small gold charm bracelet which was in Thomas Spencer’s hand at the time we found his body, Reports say his final words was "Happy birthday my dearest Haley".
    yours sincerely
    Major J Monro.

    26/06/2009.

    My father isn’t a Hero his a forgotten name, A real hero comes back. Haley Spencer 2009.

  2. #2
    Wanting to go to Bournemouth – isn’t that a little like wanting to go to bed early with a cup of hot chocolate on New Years’ Eve??
    Anyway, I suppose someone has to go there…

    As for the story –

    I did stumble when I first read ‘Farther’ until it struck me it was probably a young child’s letter to her father. The misspellings (intentional?) suggest a young child – so I’m wondering in that case whether some of the vocabulary is a little too advanced since she can’t even spell ‘father’ correctly:

    comfort – although – mention – witnessed – images – broadcast – filthy – particular – objective (!)

    It’s the voice of a much older person masquerading as a child and doesn’t seem realistic. Of course, when you later reveal the daughter is 15 and
    has got an ‘A’ in English I’m left wondering even more...

    Then I read the father’s letter and spotted that he is also unable to spell the word ‘of’ so I’m wondering just how much of the typos were deliberate and how much are carelessness on the author’s part.

    We're also given very little way to differentiate between the two characters from their letters – you need to make each voice unique so we know immediately who is the grown-up and who is the child without having to read the address line, etc.

    As far as context is concerned, this presumably happened during the Falklands war (Thatcher’s moment of glory) so I’m curious as to where the soldier discovered any beautiful countryside (since the Islands are little more than a bleak outcrop of rock surrounded by ocean).

    Also, signing off his letter with ‘your loving father’ makes it read a little like something written during the first or second world wars than the 1980’s.

    The telegram (?) informing the widow of her husband’s death is pure fantasy unfortunately – it’s unlikely the Ministry of Defence would ever begin a formal notification of death in action by describing the exact nature of the attack or using such emotive terms as ‘a rebel group cowardly…’ – were there rebels in the Falklands anyway?

    The closing line is the most touching of the entire piece. It almost seems autobiographical, the writer feeling the loss of her father more than 25 years after the event – and her writing something like this proves he will always be a hero.

    H
    Last edited by hillwalker; 11-18-2011 at 06:07 AM.

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