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Thread: Tasukete! A story of thieves.

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    Arrow Oppressed by the Savage World - A Story of Thieves

    Oppressed by the Savage World




    ~1~

    Looking around, all I can see is lights... Police have arrived. I reach to my pocket, and hold tight onto the smoke bomb, waiting for my Captain's commands… "Jessie, now!"

    I throw it as hard as I can, and start running. Looking behind, I can see it's working. Smoke is covering the area, and the Police are having trouble finding us.

    "Did you find it?" I asked.

    "Yeah", the Captain answered.

    We continued running until we reached the forest nearby. I could still clearly hear a few policemen's steps behind me, But not for long. As soon as we entered the forest, we split up, and ran around it. It can be an impossible maze for the Police. But us… a piece of cake… we memorize it like our names.
    After I made sure that no one was following me anymore, I headed to our usual meet up spot. There, I found the Captain, having a smoke, smiling, and looking into the necklace we just stole. Yes… you got it right… thieves; we're just a bunch of mere thieves.

    For now, let me tell you more about myself. My name is Jessie; a 16 years old female, living in a village known for its organized robbery. Robbery here is usually attempted in groups. Those robbery groups are often called 'Crews'. And the head of each Crew is called a 'Captain'.
    More about me; I'm 1.67m tall, weighing about 53kl. Dark blue eyed, with a long light brown wavy hair. All I know about my parents is that mom died while I was a child, and that dad has been in jail since the day I was born. I never met him though, and not planning to anytime soon. Mom has always asked me to stay away from him, you see. Why is he a prisoner you might ask? Well… in short… he was a thief as well. It runs in the family…



    ~2~

    Back to the action... That necklace we stole. It wasn't a typical necklace. We stole it from a museum, after weeks and weeks of planning. Actually, we've been planning to steal it since the day we formed this crew. It is indeed the most valuable item in this worthless village.

    All of a sudden, I started hearing footsteps again. "Could it be the police?" I whispered.

    "I doubt…" the Captain answered with a grin on his face. He quickly hid the necklace in my pocket. "Run when you have the chance!" He told me while pushing me away. A moment later, a man with a familiar face showed up. No doubt… It's Captain Jacob, the head of the top rated crew in this village.

    "Well… I can see you finally did it, little Drake" he said, with a big smile on his ugly scarred face. Behind him, four other crew members appeared. No wonder… they must be after the necklace too.

    The five men surrounded Drake, my Captain. I took the chance, and started walking away, trembling. "Captain, the necklace is with her!" one of Jacob's crew members screamed, while pointing at me.

    "****" I thought. The necklace, unluckily, fell out of my tight pocket. I picked it up, and started running as fast as I could. Suddenly, I heard a loud, shocking 'bang' noise behind me. It sure sounded like a gun shot. But I only realized it when my left leg started feeling numb. I fell on the floor, helpless, screaming in pain..

    Lying on the floor, struggling, I started hearing more footsteps. This time, it was the police indeed. They would be fools not to notice the loud noise of the shot… or my loud screams. Looking backwards, I noticed that there was no one already… they all fled and left me behind, including my own Captain; Drake. "Looks like I'm finally going to meet my father" I thought…



    ~3~

    I buried the necklace as fast as I could in the sand under me, with the hope of finding it if I ever left jail. "Here you are!" one of the policemen said with anger, until he noticed my injured leg. "Call her an ambulance!" he yelled. I was carried into the ambulance car, and had my leg wrapped to stop the bleeding. Thank god, the bullet never made much damage.

    "She's fine" the nurse said, implying that I was ready to be sent to jail. I was then forced to ride in the back seat of the police car.

    "I guess there is no escape this time" I told myself.

    In the car, there were two policemen. The one who found me was driving; Officer Omar. He was a black, bald, wise old man in his 50s. The second officer was young, and seemed to be new in this Village. "Where is the necklace!?" he asked me.

    "The interrogation has started" I mumbled. "It's with Drake!" I lied. "And if you promise to let me go, I'll take you to him!"

    The nooby considered my offer, and that's when Officer Omar started laughing loudly. "You still have a lot to learn, young man".

    We continued moving silently until the nooby screamed "Watch out!" Multiple smoke bombs started exploding in front of us. The driver had no choice but to pull over as soon as he could. The nooby stepped out of the car and soon disappeared in the smoke.

    This was my chance to escape. I took off my shoe, and hit the window next to me as hard as I can. Sadly, it never broke. Surprisingly, a minute later, it broke, and the glass shattered into the inside of the car. Someone from the outside must've broken it! I instantly jumped out of the window. As I started to run, the pain returned. It was too late, I was already on the floor, squealing in pain. That's when a hand came out of nowhere, and covered my mouth. "Stay quiet" a voice whispered.



    ~4~

    Next thing I knew, I was gently carried by that person, and he started to walk away. As soon as the smoke faded, I looked upwards, and concentrated on his face. Logically, I was expecting it to be my Captain; drake. He would never give up on finding the necklace after all. But soon enough, I realized that I was being carried by a complete stranger. "Who the hell are you!?" I asked nervously. He never replied. Instead, he looked me in the eyes, and smiled. My heart felt like it stopped beating. His little dark blue eyes, his lovely smile, no wonder it would stop beating. I have no idea why, but his smile calmed me down. And his eyes ensured me I was safe. I was done for at that moment. The day was tiring and stressful enough for a young girl like me, and that feeling of safety his eyes provided, it put me to sleep instantly.

    "Where am I?" I mumbled, while barely opening my eyes. Looking around me, the place was very familiar. I was under a tree, in the same forest I hid the necklace in. I then pulled myself up and leant on the tree behind me. Rubbing my eyes, I took another look around. That was when I came into the shocking conclusion. I was not only in the same exact forest, but also in the same exact spot where I buried the necklace! I automatically started searching for an explanation, and for a moment there, I wondered.. could it be that I was simply dreaming? Could it be that I fell asleep after I got shot.. and only woke up now? It seemed like a rational explanation, until I remembered the necklace. I started digging, in search of it. Digging and digging.. "Did I bury it that deep!?" I thought.

    "Could it be that you're looking for this?" a voice from behind asked sarcastically, in the middle of my confusion. I instantly looked behind, and came to realize that it was no dream. It was the stranger again. Yet, this time, he had the necklace in his hands. I raised my eyesight until it met his, and as soon as our eyes connected.. he.. he coldly winked.



    ~5~

    I was speechless, literally. Instead of replying, I kept staring at him. He was a handsome man with a tanned skin, and a medium, dark brown, curly hair. His little facial hair was of lighter brown. Being noticeably taller than me, I would say he must be a little over 1.80m. He was considerably thin, but muscular. "Hmm, your leg wrap seems to be already covered with blood" He said, looking at my injured leg. He came closer, took a knife out of his pocket, and cut a piece of his shirt off. He then took off the bloody wrap, and started tying his piece of shirt around my wound.

    "Th..thank you!" I finally said, with a shaky voice.

    "The necklace, I'll keep it with me for now" He told me, "for your own safety". I wasn't in a position to argue. He saved me from jail after all! Even Drake wasn't ready to risk his freedom for the necklace, why should I? Of course, the question which never left my mind was, who is that stranger? And why did he help me? He knew the exact place of the necklace, why didn't he simply take it and leave? What was it that he gained by helping me!? I never asked him though. I didn't ask.. because I knew I wasn't ready for the answer. I looked at him again while he was tying the wound, and smiled. It wasn't a fake smile.. I was happy. I was truly happy. That feeling of safety, that warmth his care provided. It was priceless. "Jessie's you name eh?" He asked. I nodded. "You can call me Max" he continued. He then asked me to wait here until he returns. "I'll get you something to eat on my way back" he told me.

    Still leaning on the tree behind me, I took a glance on the antique, stolen watch on my wrist. It was exactly 12:00 am. "November 10th starts now.." I mumbled. I closed my eyes as tears started dropping. I got used to their salty taste in my mouth. "Tears of misery, again.." I thought. Every single year, in this exact day, I cry hysterically. Why, you might ask. Well.. you see.. because November 10th is my birthday. Today, I turn 17. "Why me!?" I wondered in agony. I've had enough of this miserable life. I wanted change. But how? How could I ever change the reality? As I calmed down, I opened my eyes, wiped my tears, and stared at the blurry waving leaves above me, trying to spot the tiny stars behind them. I then wished for what I have been wishing for in every single birthday. "I wish.. to live happily". That wish never came true. It never changed a single thing in my life. But.. all I can do is keep wishing. "You never know.. this year might be different" I convinced myself.



    ~6~

    The weather was unusually cold. A cold breeze hit my face as I shivered and started rubbing my hands together. I spotted Max walking back towards me between the trees. "Let's get going, Jess!" He said.

    I'd never been nicknamed as 'Jess' before, but from him.. it sounded familiar. "Have we ever met before?" I asked. He frowned, and ignored me.

    As we were walking, I wanted to ask him about the place we're heading to. But he interrupted me saying "Silence! Save the questions for later". He took my hand, held it tight, and increased the pace significantly. We were almost running now, dodging the bushes, until we reached a suspicious, very old car. "Get in" he calmly told me.

    It took him about 5 minutes, tilting the key, until the engine finally started. The car sounded absolutely horrible! As we begin moving, and as my ears started to get used to the loud roar of the engine, I spotted a shadow. A shadow of a man, reflected by the car's headlights. I blinked, and then concentrated my eyesight into the trees behind the shadow. I saw him.. Drake.. he was standing there, covered by a tree, with only his head showing. Surprisingly.. he was smiling.. creepily..and widely.

    Drake, my former captain, was already considered a threat to me now. Unlike what the stranger was showing, Drake never showed any care. He was always using me. All he cared about was that old necklace.. and himself. I never believed that until yesterday.. when he left me behind..

    Based on the fact that the necklace was no longer in my possession, I was useless to him now, you might say. But nah, life taught me to always think out of the box. Knowing Drake, I was positive he wouldn't mind torturing me, and using me as a bait to regain that necklace.

    I could've told Max about spotting Drake. He might've chased behind him, or threatened him. But.. I couldn't do it. Why, you ask? Truth is.. it was because I.. I've always had feelings for him. Why else would I stick with such a selfish ******* for all those years?



    ~7~

    "You'll find the food I promised on the backseat" Max said, as we entered the main road which takes us to the center of the village.

    I took the bag, and started eating the sandwich inside it. A Tuna sandwich, my favorite! Took me a couple of seconds to finish the sandwich. On the last bite, I choked. Max opened me a bottle of water and handed it over. "No one's going to steal it from you" He said jokingly.

    In about 20 minutes, we arrived to our destination. I was positive that I've been here before! Everything looked familiar. The narrow street with the weak lighting, The very old buildings, the tiny verandas.. We headed towards one of the buildings, and climbed the stairs until we got to the fourth floor. Max then broke into one of the apartments by breaking the door open. As we entered, I finally recognized the place.. the same rounded rug.. the same dusty curtains.. the same creepy painting on the wall.. Home.. the place where I lived before mom passed away.

    I felt dizzy, I was barely standing. Memories kept rolling around my head. I tried to concentrate, and saw Max removing the creepy painting off the wall. A treasury was installed behind it. Using a key he took out of his pocket, he opened it. I then lost focus, and leant on the wall behind me. My vision was so blurry that I had to close my eyes. The feeling of tears crawling down my cheeks again.. Fighting to raise my eyelids, I was able to take a peek on what was happening. Max was now holding 2 necklaces, looking at them and smiling. "Only one left.." He said. They both were identical.. both looked exactly the same as the one I stole.

    At that time, I cared less about the necklaces. I was lost in thoughts, fighting my tears. As I raised my head, and freed my tongue from the chains of shock, I asked.. "F..Father?"

    Max suddenly turned around and looked at me. As our eyes connected..I received the answer.. his creepy innocent expression said it all.. our dark blue eyes were never a coincidence.



    ~8~

    I couldn't stand it.. I was beyond shocked.. But I had to act before it was too late.. Peeking through the kitchen's door, I noticed a knife lying on the counter. I dashed to it, held it tight, and started walking backwards to the apartments door, with my eyes fixed on Max; my father. Leering at him with disgust, I threatened "Don't you dare come near me!".

    When I finally reached the door, I quickly turned and rushed down the stairs to escape the building. Running along the dark, frighteningly quiet street, my mother's words kept echoing in my ears. "Sweetie, no matter what happens, always stay away from your father.. Don't let him fool you as he fooled me".

    When my legs begin to feel numb, I finally stopped running. Heavily breathing, I raised my head as the chilling blows almost froze my tears. With only the voice of the humming wind, you honestly could have heard a pin drop.

    My fears doubled when I abruptly started hearing footsteps, disturbingly coming closer.. and closer. When I finally decided to run, the roar of a car engine distracted me. I spotted it, moving towards me, from far away. There was no doubt, it was Max's. My heart ached for a second.. If Max was riding his car, who the hell was behind me!?



    ~9~

    I was then distracted again by the shadow of whoever was behind me.. He suddenly grabbed my hand, and pulled me backwards, until we were covered by a parked car. Max's car passed by in front of us and soon disappeared in the dark. He was driving it, and to be fair, he looked pretty worried..

    Looking behind me, I finally identified the one who pulled me away. It was my former Captain again."Don't worry Jessie, it's me, Drake!"

    Was Drake really expecting to calm me down with this? Or was it some kind of a threat? Anyhow.. If it was to calm me down, then he remarkably failed. I was completely terrified. Once again, I raised my hand, with the knife in it, and threatened him while obviously trembling. "Stay away!".

    I calmly walked backwards, with my eyes focused on him. Unfortunately, I bumped into the wall of the building behind me. "I swear I'll stab you if you come any closer", I said, while he was slackly walking towards me. As he approached, he held my armed hand, and whispered "I know.. I know you won't do it". He was right.. I couldn't do it.. I simply.. let the knife slip between my fingers, and dropped it. That's when he filled the gaps between my fingers with his, and used the other hand to lean on the wall. With his eyes widely opened, he kissed me..

    I never resisted. Instead, I kept gazing at his beautiful irresistible black eyes. As if I was gazing at a starless dark sky in the middle of the night. But the eyes weren't what caused me the goose pumps. It was his lips. Despite them being extremely soft.. they were as cold as ice. His heart wasn't the only iced organ after all..

    The kiss only lasted for about 3 seconds, but I would be lying if I said It didn't touch me. I was indeed, deeply in love with Drake. That kiss.. it changed everything.
    Last edited by H20; 11-14-2011 at 02:50 AM.

  2. #2
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    I'm confused. Why would the captain shoot you as if to let you take the fall but leave the necklace behind? The stranger doesn't add up either. I was really distracted by the constant change of past and present tense as well. You can edit it so it reflects either the here and now or the then.

    As for the plot, it has potential but you will need to flesh it out and give the reader a reason to relate to the characters better. As it is, it moves very fast without real reason and then the open ending leaves the reader wondering what cloud they just got lost in.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

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    Thanks for reading it! And i really appreciate the feedback. About the grammar, i just fixed it. now, it starts as present, and then at some point switches to past and continues with it. Present sounds better while reading, but i find it much harder to use while writing stories.

    Captain Jacob, the one who shot her, never knew that the police were still in the forest. He shot her planning to take the necklace. but soon was distracted by all the steps around him. he never wanted to risk going to jail, thus, he ran away. Maybe i failed to make that part clear, i'll see what i can do.

    About the stranger. it is supposed to be a mystery. why would he help her, you might wonder. that is exactly what i wanted you to think about. the reason will be revealed later in the story.

    I've always thought an open ending is a winner. I've always loved it when a chapter ends with a mysterious situation. You maybe do not prefer such endings. But oh well, people's opinions differ.

    I would like to thank you again for your support, and i really hope you can continue giving me feedback! noting here, that this is my very first attempt to write a story, and that English is not my first language.

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    bumping this up to note that 2 paragraphs were just added to the first chapter.
    Waiting for your feedback.

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    It’s good that you begin your story in the heart of the action rather than spend an entire paragraph describing the forest. But there are a couple of things that stood out as weak:
    hold tight into the hand-made smoke screen bomb immediately made me wonder why it needed to be hand-made and why it was a smoke screen bomb rather than a smoke bomb. Also, I assume you meant ‘onto’ not ‘into’…

    Why capitalise NOW? It doesn’t make the dialogue any more powerful. And ‘He screams’ is unnecessary since we assume he didn’t whisper it.

    Then we begin to lose track because you keep switching from present to past then back to present :

    Looking behind, I can see (present) it worked. Smoke was covering (past) the area, and the Police are having(present) trouble finding us.

    and

    After I made (past) sure that no one is following (present) me anymore, I headed (past) to our usual meet up spot.

    You have to be consistent otherwise it’s just a mess.

    Another point – when you write dialogue you need to begin a new paragraph whenever the person speaking changes, even if they only say a single word. That way the reader can keep track of who said what.

    The background history is handled well enough – not too intrusive (although I can’t figure out why your height, weight, eye colouring and hair style are relevant). But these two sentences are extremely lame and look as if they were just bolted on:

    This village was formed long ago around the gold mines discovered here, but nowadays, it's useless. The mines are empty, and the country stopped giving it any attention.

    As for the plot – well it’s full of holes as Delta pointed out. How did Jacob’s man know where the necklace was for example? Would even the most idiotic policeman believe the story of a young thief? Waking up at the exact same spot where the necklace was buried? And the stranger somehow finding the necklace already??

    When you escaped the car and thought ‘My leg!’ I wondered whether it might have been a wooden leg and you had left it behind inside the care by mistake!

    I also began to wonder why everybody kept screaming. It got rather tiresome.

    But I was sufficiently intrigued to continue reading… and the stranger – could he be the girl’s father?? Mhmm?

    I can tell you had great fun writing this – but I couldn’t help feeling you were making it all up as you went along.
    This happened… then that happened… then something else happened… and so on. Perhaps you'll get a chance to go over this sometime in the future and edit it, tightening up the plot and varying the pace a little.

    As for the last paragraph and the significance of the date, the girls' reaction wasn’t particularly convincing though I assume we haven’t heard the end of this little thief…

    H
    Last edited by hillwalker; 11-10-2011 at 11:39 AM.

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    ^ Wow, thanks mate. My grammar is messed up I can see :P. I'll try my best to edit and fix it.

    Since English isn't my first language, and because i only read 3 childish novels in my life, adding that this is my first attempt ever to write a story. I can honestly say that i'm having difficulties not repeating certain phrases. I'm not capable of finding another word similar to "he said" so i went with "he screamed". Another example would me the number of times i used "I thought". What can i replace it with?

    Making it up as i went along? The sad truth is.. yeah, that is exactly what i've been doing =P! I guess i should've plotted the whole thing first, and then wrote in the details.

    But then again, i was never planning to write that much. as you said, it was very fun, writing it. Thus i decided to continue with it.

    Thanks for taking the time to write that long review appreciated!
    But yeah, i guess it was a bad start -.- shame on me.

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    Updated, again. Edited out and fixed a lot of parts, and added a couple of new paragraphs.

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    Quote Originally Posted by H20 View Post
    ^ Wow, thanks mate. My grammar is messed up I can see :P. I'll try my best to edit and fix it.

    Since English isn't my first language, and because i only read 3 childish novels in my life, adding that this is my first attempt ever to write a story. I can honestly say that i'm having difficulties not repeating certain phrases. I'm not capable of finding another word similar to "he said" so i went with "he screamed". Another example would me the number of times i used "I thought". What can i replace it with?

    Making it up as i went along? The sad truth is.. yeah, that is exactly what i've been doing =P! I guess i should've plotted the whole thing first, and then wrote in the details.

    But then again, i was never planning to write that much. as you said, it was very fun, writing it. Thus i decided to continue with it.

    Thanks for taking the time to write that long review appreciated!
    But yeah, i guess it was a bad start -.- shame on me.
    It's not a bad start and Hill has made some good points. As English is your second language, I suggest you use this site for help.

    http://thesaurus.com/

    Just type in the word and it will give you a whole host of other words and help you expand on your vocabulary a bit.
    Last edited by Delta40; 11-10-2011 at 09:33 PM.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

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    Just another tiny piece of advice... you don't have to use 'He said' or 'He screamed' after every single line of dialogue. As long as you separate each speaker by starting a new paragraph each time the speaker changes it's usually enough just to record what they say. Most readers will be able to figure out who said what.

    And if you want to improve your writing you must read more. Expecting to write a proper story after only reading 3 books is like expecting to be able to play the piano after half an hour practicing the drums.

    H

    H

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    Yeah, i'll try my best to read more. Thanks .

    Updated again. Edited out some mistakes and continued the story. Feedback needed :P

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    This is a lot better. There are still a few little flaws to iron out - some expressions not quite right for instance:

    It wasn't a usual necklace - It wasn't a typical or run-of-the-mill necklace

    Also there's still a great deal of screaming for some reason. I suggest you try to come up with a different word - yelled, shouted, screeched, shrieked, bellowed, roared, bawled. There's plenty to choose from and they all differ slightly from each other.

    And the tense continues to switch between past and present for no apparent reason - expecially noticeable here -

    All I know about my parents is that mom has died while I was a child - why 'has'??

    As I say better - keep improving.

    H

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    I'm having issues spotting the present/past switching. Can you point them all out please? Would make it much easier for me to correct.

    And no more screams, only used once now. thanks again :P
    Last edited by H20; 11-12-2011 at 07:22 AM.

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    Hello, there.
    I'd like to express my impression about the idea of your story. As a start, it's quite impressive, and meaningful idea . But you should try to take care of your grammar and capitalizing names, also the full stops and commas. Away from grammar, as a story, it's quite unique, never read an idea like that before. Oh, and if you divide it to chapters, will be much better. Good luck with it and keep the good work up

    P.S.: I admire the title (:

    -CS. xx
    Last edited by CS.; 11-12-2011 at 11:13 AM.

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    ^ Thanks for the supportive comments! Really appreciated
    And yeah, edited the title. But for some reason, it didn't change when looking at the thread from the "Short story sharing" sub-forum :S Can anyone help me change it there as well?

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    1) You can’t change the thread title unfortunately

    2) The tense inconsistencies are as follows:

    "Yeah", the Captain answers.
    We continued running…


    Next thing I know, I was gently carried…

    I have no idea why, but his smile calmed me down.

    That is when I came into the shocking conclusion.

    I've had enough of this miserable life. I wanted change. But how? How can I ever change the reality? As I calmed down….

    It never changed a single thing in my life. But.. all I can do is keep wishing. "You never know.. this year might be different" I convinced myself.

    I've never been nicknamed as 'Jess' before, but from him.. it sounded familiar.

    I'm useless to him now, you might say. But nah, life taught me…

    3) Still a lot of screaming

    I fell on the floor, helpless, screaming in pain..

    Lying on the floor, screaming, I started hearing more footsteps


    H

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