Tasukete! A story of thieves.

[H20]

1- Maybe if I pmed a moderator, he'll be able to replace it for me?
2,3- Fixed, fixed and fixed!

Hillwalker, you're my idol already :P

[H20]

Updated again. Hope you enjoy the parts i just added :P

Feel free to point out the mistakes too xD

[hillwalker]

A few things struck me on reading the additional paragraphs:

Her father's eyes change from dark blue to black...

She 'spots' a knife in the kitchen then 'spots' Max's car in the street - and 'finally' appears at least twice in the space of three or four paragraphs. You need to look at broadening your vocabulary.
I also wonder how she physically managed to 'sprint' to the kitchen counter? Was it two or three hundred yards away - or in the adjacent room?

Also telling us about the warning her mother gave her regarding her father just after she meets him seems to be something you suddenly came up with to spice up the plot. You need to mention this piece of information much earlier in the story if it's supposed to be relevant to the plot - when you first tell us he is in prison possibly - so we are forewarned and can share her tension as soon as she realises who the handsome stranger is.

And describing his heart like 'an iced organ' - what a weird phrase - it sounds like something you'd buy in a frozen food store.

As for the closing kiss between father and daughter - I'm dreading reading what this might lead to...

H

[H20]

You got it wrong, Mr :P. It wasn't the father >.< why would I turn this into a pervish story?

If you re-read it. You'll realize it was her former captain; drake. not the father; Max. Much less interesting than what you thought it was eh? sorry for the disappointment. :P

Replaced one 'spot' by 'noticed' and 'sprinted' with 'dashed', mentioned the mothers warning earlier, and still wondering what i can replace 'frozen organ' with xD

Interesting note: I'm an 18 years old dude. Picturing myself as a girl, while writing this, was extremely challenging and enjoyable