Wow. That was a gripping poem Doc. Absolutely lyrical, musical and vivid to the max. Had me thinking of Rodriguez for some reason!
Wow. That was a gripping poem Doc. Absolutely lyrical, musical and vivid to the max. Had me thinking of Rodriguez for some reason!
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
I'm totally caught in and deeply affected by your poem, Doc. It reads so nakedly sincere, in addition to being simply beautiful, sheer poetry. I've copy/pasted it to a screen page on my computer to read and reread it for at least the next few days. Great work, Doc, thank you. I was especially moved by -
The city says farewell, little by little;
Fewer and fewer familiar facades
To hang your once-upon-a-times on.
I'm not sure you need the last line, though. Perhaps it's a bit too much (well, for me at least). Bar
Deleted double post.
Last edited by Hawkman; 02-14-2012 at 08:24 AM.
I nearly missed this poem as it seemed to be lost in all the replies to this thread, one of the reasons I prefer individual threads for poems. It makes them easier to find in the back catalogue too. Anyway, what I was saying was that it is an exceptional poem, employing powerful and elegent imagery to convey its message. It communicates very well, the frustration of a society in crisis.
There is a problem in S4 though:
"Of an uncertain monologue
Spoken by a senile Ulysses
Who somehow strayed
Into a cinema
Engulfed in dirty flames
Delivered with voicelessness."
It is in the way the opening statement is split around an extended subordinate clause before concluding in the last line of the stanza.
It would read more coherently as:
Of an uncertain monologue
Delivered almost voicelessly,
Spoken by a senile Ulysses
Who somehow strayed
Into a cinema
Engulfed in dirty flames.
It's always a pleasure to read you Doc.
Live and be well - H
Last edited by Hawkman; 02-14-2012 at 10:55 AM.
I like this poetry. There's strong artsy-fartsy imagery one moment, (I mean that in a good way!), and the next moment a bunch of harsh realities are being thrown at us. Good!
And the language of the poetry feels contemporary. I like that too.
"...the ramblings of a narcissistic, self-obsessed, deranged mind."
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Yep, it's arresting. It's not the first time you've written of this city, but it's definitely the most poignant and powerful incarnation yet.
J
I agree with Hawk about the Ulysses-stanza but, to be honest, I was so drawn into your images that I only realized it when I read Hawk's comment... Every line spoke out right to my heart; maybe (certainly) because you seem to weep a city extremely dear to me (I'm almost sur that, if there's something like reincarnation, I have been Greek long ago).
"Im Arm der Liebe schliefen wir selig ein…" ("Liebesode" - Otto Erich Hartleben)
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I am humbled by everyone's kind words, and very grateful for the constructive feedback on my last poem. I take the point about the Ulysses stanza fully on-board, and have edited accordingly in my own copy.
The city in which you've lived most of your life in tatters. I guess anyone can write good poetry when the subject matter is so... rich.
Dear moderators: Please do not consider this a political post. It's just an emotional post.
Dear commentators: Please refrain from making any comment of a political nature, lest the moderators consider this a political post. It's just an emotional post.
Good health to all,
DH
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
Tonight we speak in tongues
Tonight we speak in tongues.
Words of understanding are lost
Beneath ego tombstones.
Skies have clouds, yes,
The streets have dirt. But
We speak in languages
Known only to us.
Only our own
Dismemberment makes this legible.
Only you and I sense
Minotaurs giving birth
To unforgiving clocks
Ringing unspeakable alarms.
Words of understanding are lost
In the same place
Where unfelt tears (genuine or not)
Form labyrinths with thorny paths.
Look, rats are trespassing
Over the driveway
To our house. See? A purple
Stain is seeping
Through your silken thorax.
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
Outstanding poem, Doc. It flows so well and paints such tragic pictures.
Live and be well - H
This seems to continue your previous poem and gets even more tragic. You really are concerned with the terrible decadence of the place and your personal voice is powerful...
To think it was a place of glory...
Shaking, excellent poem, Doc. I never tire of reading you. Bar
Rear Window
As the asphalt goes black after sunset,
Some buildings out beyond
Have lights that blink
Like irregular heartbeats.
A church bell rings. A dog responds,
Howling. A slice of moon
Is smudged by shifting clouds.
The neighbours' canaries are silenced.
Within short minutes, darkness
Tucks the mountains in, and they're gone.
Street lights fade in; doors are locked.
Now things best done in darkness will be done.
Now thoughts that cannot thrive in daytime
Will be thought.
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
Excellent poetry Doc. You really hit home with me on the last stanza.Originally Posted by DocHeart
I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Shadows
shad·ow ing
Very good, Doc. Thanks. I enjoyed it.
I like Rear Window Doc. Especially S4 although I'd remove in from
Street lights fade in; doors are locked
as it detracts from:
Tucks the mountains in, and they're gone.
What lovely imagery and great closing lines!
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
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