I loved it! And yes, it is great to see you posting again. You tapped into the senses beautifully here Doc.
I loved it! And yes, it is great to see you posting again. You tapped into the senses beautifully here Doc.
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
What Delta said
For those who believe,
no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not,
none will suffice.
Hey! Get back 'ere.
J
My dear friends,
So nice to see you all still here. I stay away for a long time, then come back to read your kind words. Sorry about that. Don't think I don't think of you all.
Can someone give me a good old occasional whipping with the cat-o-nine-tails, though? I'm worried my head's getting too big.
DH
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
Envisaged Sunday Night Roleplay
There is a breath
Going on back there -
Only now did I notice it.
Punctuated by violent heartbeat,
This is an iambic-pentameter breath.
"To God I pray tonight he sees me not,"
It breathes.
There is a breath
Going on back there -
And I can hear it.
I can see it.
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
I liked it.
Last edited by miyako73; 01-21-2014 at 07:51 AM.
"You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same."
--Jonathan Davis
Hey, Miyako, thanks for liking it, *and* for your original message which I *did* have time to read before you deleted it, so niah-niah-niah-niah-niaaaaaahhhhhh.
DH
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
Tuesday Night, Working Late
Home.
Office.
Home office.
Homeopathic orifice.
Homophobic oratorio.
Official harrowing.
Officious hoodlum.
Office home.
Office.
Home.
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
You're right on rut,
on rut and rote.
I see your rut.
Let's call it wrote.
you are my left arm
No one writes poetry quite like the ancient Greeks.
J
I see a DocHeart posting as a welcome treat on here.
For those who believe,
no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not,
none will suffice.
I like the word play and the sonics of "Tuesday Night, Working Late."
Homophobic oratorio.
J
Listening to Herbie Hancock Doing His Thing
When alone at night, poetry makes sense.
Gone are: the voices, the grins,
The phonecalls, the pens.
Gone
Are the day's fake skins.
This keyboard, darkened, is a female heart.
I lay my fingers on it softly
And feel it pulsate.
It is the space bar pushing my thumb -
Ah!
It is the space bar pushing my thumb.
The words writing me have so much to say
So many letters rain on my face.
I swallow them. They throw me out.
They make me walk naked in the street.
Still here. Still walls around me.
But dear darkness, don't go just yet.
Stay for one more drink of love and wonder.
There is time yet for the sun
To rise on schedule.
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
Hi Doc,
I rely liked "Envisaged Sunday Night Roleplay" except for S1 L3 "only now do I notice it."
With the latest offering, "Listening to Herbie Hancock Doing His Thing" I'm not sure about the rhyming. In the first stanza it sort of sets one up to expect it, but you abandon rhyme in the subsequent verses. Grins and skins rhyme ok but sense and pens don't quite work as end-rhymes, yet they're close enough to be slant rhymes, as, indeed, is the "ns" ending between grins and pens. For this reason it's not quite working for me. An entire stanza of ins and ens! On the plus side I love the last line, "Gone are the day's fake skins", though I feel the verse should be a quatrain, A more satisfying rhetorical sequence would be to use gone at the beginning of all three lines which would also establish a very strong rhythm, but of course then it would really need to be maintained throughout the poem, so I can see why you haven't done this. Incidentally, you don't need the colon after the first gone.
I'd be inclined to rewrite the first stanza, losing the rhyme, to make it more in keeping with the rest of the poem. I'd also stick with quatrains all through, except for the middle lines.
In S2, the "darkened," plonked in the middle of the first line, feels unnecessary. What is it supposed to convey? The shadow of your hands hovering over it, perhaps? However, it feels awkward to me and I feel the stanza reads better without it.
The end of the last stanza, apart from not being a quatrain, is over-extended. You just don't need the "on schedule." I'd leave it as, "There is time, yet, for the sun to rise."
It is an atmospheric piece, though, and definitely takes (or sends) one somewhereGood to read you Doc,
Live and be well - H
Last edited by Hawkman; 09-16-2014 at 05:18 AM.
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