13 Year old author, am I good or bad?

[FreedomIn2016]

I just finished writing this section of a book I'm attempting to write for fun about a child dealing with depression. I'm looking for constructive criticism, I'm pretty sure I'm horrible. (Keep in mind,
1. I'm 13,
2. I've never written a book before, but I've written poetry,
3. This is copyright under berne convention law, internationally.)

What I have:

---CH. 0, INTRO---
There is always a certain checkpoint in life in which every average human being witnesses their life from the 3rd person point of view and begins to accept the fact that he or she is a horrible person, and thus goes through a state of depression before thereafter giving up any hope of analyzing their own lives as they return to their normal state of blissful, peaceful ignorance. For some, this phase may last for what appears to be decades. For others, only a short while.

In Matthew's case, for the longest period of time, happiness did not assume priority in his mixed emotions. Preceding this phase, Matthew had just begun to absorb contents of a medication intended to relieve the symptoms of his anger management. Less moments of violence and more time to dwell on thought resulted in his lifeline finally meeting that checkpoint at only age 14.

Let us begin the tale at Matt's realization of himself.



---CH. 1---
At a time approxamitely residing near 11:00 PM on a frozen night, a confused child watched the wind blow against the trees from within a comfortable shelter of an apartment and realized, for the first time, the sentience lying deep within the leaves of the trees. He stood, for a moment, in their view, gazing blankly and helplessly as the wind shoved him back and forth. He wondered how to overcome this barrier, this invisible barrier preventing him from expressing himself and declaring that he did not enjoy being shoved as was occuring.

He was quickly jolted back to his reality to realize the cruelty of life. It was as if he was caged in within the third dimension's barriers, time's barriers, and life's barriers. He had never witnessed death firsthand, however he did wonder. Matthew was raised to be religious, a Christian, specifically, but recently he had noticed things in his world that struck him as odd.

Matthew was not "loved" by anyone. He was lied to. His own father had admitted to wishing death upon him, however indirect the statement was. His mother had also admitted to her own life assuming a position higher in priority than his. His friends had turned to marijuana and eventually hard drugs, and had no need for his company any longer. He was essentially worthless to society and had a major anger management problem. In short, wherever Matt traveled, violence was sure to follow.

That night, the first attempt at suicide in that household occured. He had only mentioned the thought to one person, his ex-girlfriend with whom he was still close friends. She, being there, had put the situation to a hault before the blade could touch his adam's apple. Not long after, recently-informed and concerned parents had antidepressants prescribed to the child.

It didn't work.

[hillwalker]

13 years old and you've never written a book before? Well, I'm guessing in that case you're a late starter. :-)

I'm not a fan of polls - especially ones that invite readers to press a button and make an instant judgement. Proper written feedback will be of more more use to you... I hope.

So here goes :

1) The first sentence of the Intro is probably the worst way to start. I had to read it three times to make sense of it - it's long-winded and rather convoluted.

A phrase like 'before thereafter' doesn't exactly flow freely does it?

And sentences like 'Let us begin the tale at Matt's realization of himself.' are rather contrived. Are you presenting a scientific lecture? or a Biblical sermon? or telling a story?? The latter I assume so you need to try to be a little more reader-friendly.

The opening is the most important part of any piece of writing - it's your only chance to get your readers' attention. If you blow it then no matter how brilliant what follows might be, you're not going to be able to share any of it with your readers because they will already have jumped ship.

2) I'm really wondering why you bothered with a prologue. Why not present Matthew's story as a story rather than a scientific case study (which is how it reads).

If you kick off with a simple, straightforward sentence that makes the reader curious about the character's situation or state of mind your readers are more likely to want to learn more.

And I'm not suggesting you use the sentence that opens Chapter 1 either. It's almost unreadable. It makes no real impact... it just makes one wonder why there's so much extraneous detail and why it's presented in such a verbose manner.

It informs us of very little that's relevant. I can't even figure out why Matthew senses something 'sentient' in the leaves of the tree and what significance that might have because this fact is never referred to again in the story.

If you intend to have your writing taken seriously rule number 1 is clarity of expression and rule 2 is brevity.

Mumbo jumbo about invisible barriers and being caged within the third dimension doesn't help to clarify matters. If you are saying his depression manifested itself in him imagining barriers to happiness you need to show how this feels for him - how it affects his life and routine. It's not enough to state it as a given fact.

3) Some of your expressions are also rather clumsy and cluttered. As if you are trying to say too much in a single sentence.

e.g.He wondered how to overcome this barrier, this invisible barrier preventing him from expressing himself and declaring that he did not enjoy being shoved as was occuring.

What does the underlined section mean?

I'm assuming you are trying to say Matthew hated feeling that he had no control over his life but could see no easy solution.

My advice would be to kick off the story with an exploration of how 'recently he had noticed things in his world that struck him as odd.

What did he notice? Why were certain things considered odd?

Matthew was not "loved" by anyone. He was lied to. His own father had admitted to wishing death upon him, however indirect the statement was. His mother had also admitted to her own life assuming a position higher in priority than his.

Again it's a little garbled - and you continue to make statements telling us things but offer nothing of interest to support them.

How do we know M was not loved (and why the "speech marks" surrounding 'loved'?)? In what way was he lied to? How do we know his father wished him dead? What evidence is there that his mother valued her own life above M's?

Answers to these questions are the raw material for the story you should be writing. Forget about the in depth psychological analysis for now. Show us a glimpse of Matthew's nightmarish life.

That night, the first attempt at suicide in that household occured.

'occured' is such a horrible verb - certainly not worth using three times within such a short piece.
Why not just tell us 'That night Matthew made his first suicide attempt'? or if you don't want the reader to realise who the potential suicide is at this stage 'That night somebody tried to kill themselves.'

And the bit about antidepressants being prescribed but failing to work - it's rather a swift diagnosis after his ex stops him sticking a knife into his throat.

The 'It didn't work' conclusion is actually the only point in the entire piece where I felt 'wow - tell me more'. What did his girlfriend think? His parents? How did M feel about having to take medication?

I'm assuming you enjoyed writing this and have more installments planned - but you need to learn to concentrate on creating more in the way of plot and characterisation and spend less time behaving as if you are some disinterested, omnipotent observer studying this case under a microscope.

You've created Matthew so let him tell his story for goodness sake - or do it for him.
Your job is to make us believe in Matthew and care about him. Show us what his life is really like and there's more chance we'll stick with you right the way through to the happy ending (?).

Good luck with it - and I've not voted btw. It's rather a pointless exercise.

H

[Bluehound]

It's definatly not horrible and for 13 I would say it's pretty good.
But it is too wordy.
You are putting in words that are not needed at all "caged in within" .
And also using extra words were one would do " before thereafter" for example.
It needs trimming but I think you are onto something.

[FreedomIn2016]

Thank you for two reasons:
1. For reviewing my work honestly
2. For staying polite [I know some people who would take "constructively criticize" to mean "insult"]

About the prologue, that was more for me than the reader, to give me a way to formulate ideas. (I always have to start writing first, and then think)
So, yeah, I'll take that out.

Now that you mention it, I agree, my writing can definitely be jumbled. I don't like a lot of punctuation, so I kind of subconsciously try to put it all in one sentence. For this:

e.g.He wondered how to overcome this barrier, this invisible barrier preventing him from expressing himself and declaring that he did not enjoy being shoved as was occuring.

What does the underlined section mean?

I'm assuming you are trying to say Matthew hated feeling that he had no control over his life but could see no easy solution.

Your assumption is completely correct, and actually, as I was writing I was wondering about that sentence..It made perfect sense to me but I wondered if it would make sense to the reader, and I couldn't decide whether or not to remove it.

The second part of your 3rd statement talks about what struck him as odd.
I was planning to elaborate, CH.1 isn't nearly finished, do you think I should elaborate in the beginning or some time after "It didn't work," like I was planning to do?

Oh, and the "sentience" he sees in the leaves was an idea I accidentally left in. I was originally going to talk about the "cruelty of life" as everyone treating everyone and everything horribly, and that everything has life in it [metaphor, obviously]. My bad there.

I'll take everything you said into consideration when I continue writing.

And, @Bluehound: Thanks...I said "in within"? typo, definitely, I would never write something like that on purpose

[Varenne Rodin]

You're very smart. You obviously have the patience and determination to write long pieces. That's important if you want to write novels. The best way to become a decent or great writer is to read as much as you can and write as much as you can. Every day. Don't stop. Take criticism, but ignore discouragement. Good luck.

[hillwalker]

Thanks for your dignified response to my harsh criticism.

I realise this is a work in progress - so it's good to throw in everything that comes to mind as you write it down (as long as you remember to take out the non-essential bits when it comes to editing).

The cliff-hanger 'It didn't work' is a good spring board to Ch 2 - but you need to concentrate a little more on Matthew's character in Ch 1 (show us what is wrong in his life using examples and spend less time just telling us about it).

It's fine to elaborate early on about specific problems he is having - the more specific the better (does he behave erratically for instance? and if so, in what way?) - but I'd cut back on the generalised statements you were making early on.

It's good you have more input planned for this - keep at it. And as a previous poster says, read as much as you can. You'll never become an accomplished writer unless you see how others do it,

H