It Was A Perfect Summers Day

[Lowrdia07]

It was five o’clock in the afternoon when her plane landed. It had been three months since I had seen her last. I recognise her with easy by her long brown hair and sparkling brown eyes as she finally walks up the board walk. The sun is shining brightly behind her producing a golden glow around the outline of her body. It seems as though everything slows down as our eyes meet and I see her face light up. She walks up to me and gently kisses me, followed by a warm firm embrace with our arms wrapped around each other. While we are in the embrace her hair smells like a caramel milkshake as my head rests on hers. We then exchange greetings and I grab her hand as we walk to the baggage claim area. After her bags are collected we pick up her hire car and go back to the apartment I am staying in.
By the time we reach my apartment it is dark and the wind is cold and bitter. I quickly open the door for her and follow shortly after with her bags. I put her bags down and once again we wrap our arms around each other and hold firmly for several minutes. After we unembraced she has a long hot shower as I see the steam coming from under the door as I walk by. When she comes out I have finished cooking an omelette and we eat while sitting together on the couch watching the television. After we finish eating we slowly get closer to one another until I put my arm around her and pull her right up against me. She leans into me and a short time after we fall asleep on the couch in the embrace.
The next morning I awake to the warm Sunday sun blaring in from the open window. I look onto my shoulder to find my sleeping beauty still fast asleep. I pause for a second while I stare as her endless beauty being amplified by the warm, blaring sun. I ask myself, is this the person who I want to wake up to for the rest of my life? One part of my body says no doubt while the other half gives off a nervous tingle. I look down at her small, soft left hand as it has a delicate hold of mine. I run my opposite right hand along her soft and beautiful face from her ear to her chin and she gives off a small yet so stunning smile which gives me a warm feeling inside.
A minute or so later I plan how I will remove myself without waking her. I slowly menuvor myself out and gently place her head onto a pillow. I gently kiss her softly on the forehead and have a quick shower while I continue to think about her. After I get out of the shower I notice she is still asleep, so I cook bacon and eggs which eventually awakens her due to the delicious smell. She smiles as she sits up and says, ‘good morning.’ We sit down and have breakfast and talk about what we are going to do for the rest of the day. I mention I have to go to the store at some point today to get some groceries. She says that she will come for a bit but there are some items that she has to pick up on the other side of town. We agree to meet at the beach at two o’clock.
A few hours later we take a car each to the shopping centre to do the groceries. As we are doing the grocery shopping I ask her to get any bread. She goes around the corner to have a look and get it. After a minute or so I also go around the corner to see what is taking her so long. I ask her what is wrong and she says she cannot find the any bread. I look at her for a split second until I see her face immediately change expression. She realises that I meant get any type of bread and we both laugh as her face beings to turn bright red like a tomato. She then leaves to pick up the items on the other side of town so I finish the groceries alone.
I reach the beach by five to two and I wait for her by the water’s edge. It is a perfect summers day with the sun bright and I feel a warm salty breeze hit my face. By five past two she has arrived and we begin walking along the water’s edge. While we are walking along the water’s edge we talk about life and our position in it. After a couple of hours the sun starts to set and I suggest that we take a seat on the beach. We continue to talk and she looks around the area we are sitting in. Once again I see her face immediately lose all expression when she realises where we are. She realises that we are currently sitting in the exact place where I had asked her out five years ago. I see her amazing smile once again. For that split second it feels as though we are the only two people on earth, so I decide it is time. My heart starts to race and I do not know whether what I’m about to do is right or not but I take her hand. I then sit up on one knee, my nerves are going crazy and I feel myself beginning to sweat. I stare into her sparkling big brown eyes that I feel like I could just lose myself in. I take a deep breath and ask her to marry me.
There is an immediate pause until I see tears begin to fill her eyes. She stands up and I stand up with her not letting go of her hand. I am dying to know her answer and I feel like my legs are going to give way. I hear her say something but I do not know if it was just my mind playing tricks on me or not. I ask her again if she will marry me and this time I know it isn’t my mind playing tricks on me. She says that she is sorry but she is in love with someone else. I feel as if my heart rips into two as she walks away. I sit on the beach in the same spot for another several hours until it is late at night trying to work out what I had done wrong. Now that she is gone I do not know what I will do with myself. I slowly begin to walk out into the sea and do not stop walking.

I was wondering if the ending should be improved? And is the tile 'It Was A Perfect Summers Day' a good title? Your suggestions would be much appreciated.

[hillwalker]

Ok - You’ve put a lot of effort into this piece so I feel it deserves a meaningful response :

1) The title is not perfect – it sets the tone of the piece rather too forcefully as a slushy romantic story. Anyone who is not looking to read this kind of stuff is going to pass it by.
Something along the lines of ‘Another Summer Day’ is more intriguing – we don’t know what to expect so we are forced to look closer.

2) The ending was a surprise – and walking into the sea suggests many possibilities that the reader is invited to imagine (which is good). So I would stick with that closing image as he fades into the sunset. But perhaps there should have been a couple of warning signs earlier in the story that all was not well before this abrupt finale.

3) Now to the nitty gritty. Writing a love story is never easy. There are only a limited number of ways you can show how much one character loves the other - and after a while it becomes a little sickly. Reading this at times felt like prying into someone’s private diary – not particularly enjoyable.
We need to find out more about the characters and a little less about what they did during the day. Do we really need to be told every minute detail from the moment she arrives? No.

4) Some tidying up is also necessary –

- ‘It had been three months since I had seen her last’ – ‘her last’ is open to misinterpretation. Was it ‘her last’ that you saw - or ‘her’?

Also the sudden change of tense from past (first 2 sentences) to present for the rest of the piece is a little awkward. I would suggest sticking to present tense for consistency’s sake.

- ‘It’s five o’clock in the afternoon and her plane has just landed. It has been three months since I last saw her’ is better perhaps.

Similarly ‘I recognise her with easy [ease?] by her long brown hair and sparkling brown eyes as she finally walks up the board walk’ is very cluttered – telling us you recognise her (which we would obviously expect) – describing her features – and also telling us where she is walking.

- ‘I watch her walking up the board walk – struck by her familiar brown hair and sparkling brown eyes’ says the same a little more concisely.

- ‘While we are in the embrace her hair smells like a caramel milkshake as my head rests on hers.’ suggests her hair smells differently when she is not in an embrace. There’s no need for the phrase ‘While we are in the embrace…’

- ‘We then exchange greetings and I grab her hand as we walk to the baggage claim area. After her bags are collected we pick up her hire car and go back to the apartment I am staying in.’ – is again horribly cluttered with needless detail.
It’s assumed you would exchange greetings (inserting it at this point seems merely absurd – as if you suddenly remembered to say “hello” to each other) – nor do we need to know about collecting the bags in the baggage claim area (where else would you collect them from?) - or her hire car (is it relevant that it’s her car not yours?) - or the apartment you are staying in (what other apartment would you head for?). Can you see how all this detail undermines the story when it should be helping set the scene?
It’s as if you are describing normal activities on planet Earth to an alien visitor. None of this drives the story forward – in fact this dump of information kills the story stone dead. My advice, take out anything that doesn’t add to the plot or characterisation.

- ‘the warm Sunday sun blaring in from the open window’ – it’s either ‘glaring’ or ‘blazing’. ‘Blaring’ implies the sun was making a sound like a hooter.

Then shortly after we have ‘sleeping beauty’ followed by ‘endless beauty’ in the next sentence – you’d be better changing one or the other.

5) The plot structure is very rigid – you report everything in strict order and this is where I feel your story is weakest. There is no variety in pace – not much dialogue to liven things up. The characters are blank canvasses with nothing to make them stick in the reader’s mind.

For example – arriving at the apartment – opening the door – following her in with the bags – placing the bags down… It’s like a bad movie where nothing ever happens. If you’re telling us a story it’s your job to keep us interested. This is so boring to read we’re almost wishing he would pick up a knife from the kitchen, go into the shower and act out his ‘Psycho’ fantasy.

We have more banal exposition the following morning – getting out of bed, taking a shower, cooking bacon and eggs. You’re not giving us very much to get excited about are you?

By this point it also became noticeable how you begin a lot of paragraphs with ‘A minute or so later…’ – ‘A few hours later…’ - ‘After a minute or so…’ - ‘After a couple of hours…’ – as if you have to account for every minute this couple spend together. You don’t. It’s stylistically repetitive and anyway the reader is perfectly capable of filling the blanks in for themselves.
If you suddenly jumped from the kitchen to ‘When we arrived at the grocery store…’ most readers would have been able to figure out how they got there and indeed what inspired them to go there in the first place (one assumes it was to do some shopping). Sometimes you have to give your readers a little more credit.

And the ‘any bread’ joke – at least it introduces a light-hearted touch to the story but it’s a little lame all the same.

‘five to two’ – ‘five past two’ – again, you’re not telling a story. You’re making a precise observation like some scientific researcher compiling his notes. The minutiae of what happens are unimportant – it’s your job to invite the reader to anticipate what will happen when they meet not present a detailed timetable of the events. In fact it would have been better if she had been late – your narrator suddenly wondering is she going to show up at all.

The story only really comes to life when the reader realises they have reached the bench – a place of significance to both characters. This is a pivotal moment when we know something important is about to happen. So you did a good job introducing such a key element into the story at a critical point. It’s a shame you took so long getting us there.

My advice – get rid of all the clutter. Instead insert a little more dialogue – a little interaction between the two characters perhaps before they settle down for the night or before getting dressed to go out the next morning. Make them appear to behave like real lovers – real people – rather than like this idealised romantic couple who never actually do anything.

Apologies if I have gone a little overboard but I really believe this can be salvaged. Good luck.

H

[Lowrdia07]

Thank you very much hillwalker for your time and effort, this is exaclty what I was looking for. I shall rewrite it and repost it.

[Lowrdia07]

Is this on the right track?

Its five o’clock in the afternoon and her plane has just landed. It has been three months since I last saw her. I watch her walking up the board walk – struck by her familiar brown hair and sparkling brown eyes. The sun shines brightly behind her producing a golden glow around the outline of her body. Everything in time slows as our eyes meet and I see her face light up with a smile. My heart begins to race as for the past five without her my life has been without a real purpose. When she reaches me I lean forward to kiss her but she quickly turns her so I gently kiss her on the cheek. Her hair smells like a caramel milkshake as my head rests on hers while we share a warm firm embrace. I gentle whisper into her ear, ‘I’ve missed you.’ Without a reply she grabs my hand and we make our way out of the airport.

[hillwalker]

This is exactly what you should be aiming for - keep the story moving without lingering too long on superfluous detail.

A couple of minor typos - I think you're missing a couple of words - 'months' in the 6th sentence and 'head' in the 7th - but you're getting there.

H

[Lowrdia07]

Here is another attempt.

Its five o’clock in the afternoon and her plane has just landed. It has been three months since I last saw her. I watch her walking up the board walk – struck by her familiar brown hair and sparkling brown eyes. The sun shines brightly behind her producing a golden glow around the outline of her body. Everything in time slows as our eyes meet and I see her face light up with a smile. My heart begins to race as for the past five years without her my life has been without a real purpose. When she reaches me I lean forward to kiss her but she quickly turns her head so I gently kiss her on the cheek. Her hair smells like a caramel milkshake as my head rests on hers while we share a warm firm embrace. I gentle whisper into her ear, ‘I’ve missed you.’ Without a reply she grabs my hand and we make our way out of the airport.
It is dark and the wind is cold and bitter when we get back to the lonely single apartment I call home. She quickly makes herself at home by making herself a coffee without having to ask where the cups are. I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her firmly for a couple of minutes. I close my eyes and think of our future and how great it will be. I do not know what I would do without her as she is everything to me. She smiles and grabs my hands to lead me around to the bathroom. Her facial expression changes to a cheeky grin as she says, ‘I think we may have to share as there is not much water these days.’ My face goes red and I look at the floor as I feel nerves rush over me but she pulls me into the shower with it on hot. She puts a hand on each side of my face and finally we kiss. After a few seconds steam surrounds us and our cloths are soaked. She begins to remove my clothes and I help take hers off. Our passion for one another then ignites.
The next morning I awake to the warm Sunday sun glaring in from the open window. I look onto my shoulder to find her still fast asleep. I pause for a second while I stare at her endless beauty being amplified by the warm sun. I ask myself, is this the person who I want to wake up to for the rest of my life? One part of my body says no doubt while the other half gives off a nervous tingle. I look down at her small, soft left hand and imagine a bright diamond ring on her index finger. I smile and run my opposite right hand along her soft and beautiful face from her ear to chin and she gives off a small yet so stunning smile which gives me a warm feeling inside.
I gently kiss her softly on the forehead and have a quick shower while I continue to think about the events of last night. I then enter the kitchen to find her having breakfast. I lean over and kiss her on the cheek but there is no real acknowledgment. I say to her in an energetic tone, “I have to go to the store at some point today to get some groceries.” After a second she replies, “I will come for a bit but I have stuff to do on the other side of town.” I then say, “Shall we meet at the beach at 2?” She replies after long pause, “ok.”
As we are doing the grocery shopping I ask her, “Can you get some bread?” She quickly replies, “What type?” “Any bread will do,” I say. She goes around the corner to have a look and get it. After a minute or so I also go around the corner to see what is taking her so long. “I cannot find it,” she says with in stressful tone. I look at her for a split second until I see her face immediately change expression. “Any type of bread,” I repeat. We both laugh as her face beings to turn bright red like a tomato. “Oh look at the time; time for me to go,” she says in a lively tone. As she goes to leave I attempt to kiss her but once again she turns her head to the side so my lips end up on her cheek.


When I get to the beach I realise it is another perfect summer’s day as the sun is bright and I feel a warm salty breeze hit my face. I quickly check my back pocket to make sure I have remembered everything. Some time passes and I begin to question whether or she is going to come. Eventually she arrives and my heart begins to race just at the sight of her. We walk along the water’s edge and talk about life and our position in it.
As the sun begins to set I suggest that we take a seat on the beach. As we continue to talk she looks around the area we are sitting in. I see her face immediately lose all expression when she realises that we are currently sitting in the exact place where I had asked her out five years ago. I see her amazing smile once again and for that split second it feels as though we are the only two people on earth, so I decide it is time. My heart starts to race and I do not know whether what I’m about to do is right or not but I take her hand. I then sit up on one knee, my nerves are going crazy and I feel myself beginning to sweat. I stare into her sparkling big brown eyes that I feel like I could just lose myself in. I take a deep breath and pull out a small jewellery box out of my back pocket. I then begin, “You are my life, my everything and the only reason why I get up in the morning. Without you I have no purpose. Will you marry me?”
Immediately there pause until I see tears begin to fill her eyes. She stands up and I stand up with her not letting go of her hand. I am dying to know her answer and I feel like my legs are going to give way. I hear her say something but I do not know if it was just my mind playing tricks on me or not. I ask her again, “Will you marry me?” This time I know it isn’t my mind playing tricks on me. She says, “I’m sorry but I’m in love with someone else.” I feel as if my heart rips into two as she walks away. I sit on the beach in the same spot for another several hours until it is late at night. I try to work out what I had done wrong. Now that she is gone I do not know what I will do with myself so I slowly begin to walk out into the sea and do not stop walking.

[hillwalker]

This is a lot better as I'm sure you already know.

A couple of things I felt seemed a little hard to believe - no contact for 5 years yet the narrator assumes life (and love) can continue as before? I think 6 months is more realistic.

Also the shower scene - taking a girl back to his apartment, expecting her to share his bed yet blushing and becoming flustered when she suggests they share a shower? It just doesn't seem conceivable.
I'd also suggest removing 'Our passion for one another then ignites' - the reader can imagine the sequence of events without a cheesy cliche to avoid explaining the obvious.

And this sentence makes no sense - When I get to the beach I realise it is another perfect summer’s day as the sun is bright and I feel a warm salty breeze hit my face.
It doesn't add anything to the story and it's rather strange to say the least.

Better as I said - but some further trimming would not go amiss.

H

[Lowrdia07]

When I get to the beach the sun is bright and I am greeted by a warm salty breeze that hits my face.

Should I leave that to describe the weather and what type of day it is?

[Lowrdia07]

Is there anything further you would suggest to take out?

[hillwalker]

Do we need a weather update? And if so is there a better way than just telling us it was warm and sunny?

There's a mantra every writer should repeat as often as possible. Show don't tell.

How about showing us - describe how the main beach was crowded with sunbathers or surfers in their summer plumage but your secluded corner was shaded and fanned by the salty breeze. The reader is then more likely to draw a picture in their head of warm and sunny.

Any more trimming?

How about the start of paragraph 2 - 'I call home' is unnecessary since it's unlikely he's living alone in a strange apartment. And besides, the word 'home' appears again in the following sentence. There are also 2 'make's in the same sentence so perhaps you could have her 'brew' some coffee.

Little things like this suggest you are a careless writer - it's purely a matter of re-reading your work and editing. Concise editing is what gives a piece that vital finishing touch and makes it stand out from the ordinary,

H

[Lowrdia07]

Its five o’clock in the afternoon and her plane has just landed. It has been three months since I last saw her. I watch her walking up the board walk – struck by her familiar brown hair and sparkling brown eyes. The sun shines brightly behind her producing a golden glow around the outline of her body. Everything in time slows as our eyes meet and I see her face light up with a smile. My heart begins to race as for the past six months without her, my life has been without a real purpose. When she reaches me I lean forward to kiss her but she quickly turns her head so I gently kiss her on the cheek. Her hair smells like a caramel milkshake as my head rests on hers while we share a warm, firm embrace. I gently whisper into her ear, ‘I’ve missed you.’ Without a reply she grabs my hand and we make our way out of the airport.

It is dark and the wind is cold and bitter when we get back to my lonely single apartment. She quickly makes herself at home by brewing herself a coffee without having to ask where the cups are. I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her firmly for a couple of minutes. I close my eyes and think of our future and how great it will be. I do not know what I would do without her as she is everything to me. She smiles and grabs my hands to lead me around to the bathroom. Her facial expression changes to a cheeky grin as she says, ‘I think we may have to share as there is not much water these days.’ My eyes lock on hers and I feel myself smiling from ear to ear as she pulls me into the shower with it on hot. She puts a hand on each side of my face and finally we kiss. After a few seconds steam surrounds us and our cloths are soaked. She begins to remove my clothes and I help take hers off.

The next morning I awake to the warm Sunday sun glaring in from the open window. I look onto my shoulder to find her still fast asleep. I pause for a second while I stare at her endless beauty being amplified by the warm sun. I ask myself, is this the person who I want to wake up to for the rest of my life? One part of my body says no doubt while the other half gives off a nervous tingle. I look down at her small, soft left hand and imagine a bright diamond ring on her index finger. I smile and run my opposite right hand along her soft and beautiful face from her ear to chin and she produces a small yet so stunning smile which gives me a warm feeling inside.

I gently kiss her softly on the forehead and have a quick shower while I continue to think about the events of last night. I then enter the kitchen to find her having breakfast. I lean over and kiss her on the cheek but there is no real acknowledgment. I say to her in an energetic tone, “I have to go to the store at some point today to get some groceries.” After a second she replies, “I will come for a bit but I have stuff to do on the other side of town.” I then say, “Shall we meet at the beach at 2?” She replies after long pause, “ok.”

As we are doing the grocery shopping I ask her, “Can you get some bread?” She quickly replies, “What type?” “Any bread will do,” I say. She goes around the corner to have a look and get it. After a minute or so I also go around the corner to see what is taking her so long. “I cannot find it,” she says in a stressful tone. I look at her for a split second until I see her face immediately change expression. “Any type of bread,” I repeat. We both laugh as her face beings to turn bright red like a tomato. “Oh look at the time; I have to go,” she says in a lively tone. I attempt to kiss her as she leaves but once again am denied as she turns her head to the side so my lips end up on her cheek.


The ocean is swarming with suffers while sunbathers crowd the beach soaking up the summer sun. I find a secluded corner that is shaded and fanned by a salty breeze. I quickly check my back pocket to make sure I have remembered everything. Some time passes and I begin to question whether or not she is going to come. Eventually she arrives and my heart begins to race just at the sight of her. We walk along the water’s edge and talk about life and our roles in it.

As the sun begins to set I suggest that we take a seat on the beach. As we continue to talk she looks around the area we are sitting in. I see her face immediately lose all expression when she realises that we are currently sitting in the exact place where I had asked her out five months ago. I see her amazing smile once again and for that split second it feels as though we are the only two people on earth, so I decide it is time. My heart starts to race and I do not know whether what I’m about to do is right or not but I take her hand. I then kneel up on one knee, my nerves are going crazy and I feel myself beginning to sweat. I stare into her sparkling big brown eyes that and take a deep breath. I pull out a small jewellery box out of my back pocket. I then begin, “You are my life, my everything and the only reason why I get up in the morning. Without you I have no purpose. Will you marry me?”

Immediately there is a pause until I see tears begin to fill her eyes. She stands up and I stand up with her not letting go of her hand. I am dying to know her answer and I feel like my legs are going to give way. I hear her say something but I do not know if it was just my mind playing tricks on me or not. I ask her again, “Will you marry me?” This time I know it isn’t my mind playing tricks on me. She says, “I’m sorry but I’m in love with someone else.” I feel as if my heart rips into two as she walks away. I sit on the beach for another several hours until it is late at night. I try to work out what I had done wrong. Now that she is gone I do not know what I will do with myself so I slowly begin to walk out into the sea and do not stop walking.

Should I remove the 'any bread' joke?

[hillwalker]

You want my honest opinion? Yes. The shopping expedition adds nothing to the story. It might be better having her make an excuse why she can't accompany him to the store - an extra clue for the reader that she has reasons for flying 'home' other than to spend time with him.

H

[Lowrdia07]

Sorry I have had my hands full the past few days. Here is my lastest attempt:

Its five o’clock in the afternoon and her plane has just landed. It has been three months since I last saw her. I watch her walking up the board walk – struck by her familiar brown hair and sparkling brown eyes. The sun shines brightly behind her producing a golden glow around the outline of her body. Everything in time slows as our eyes meet and I see her face light up with a smile. My heart begins to race as for the past six months without her, my life has been without a real purpose. When she reaches me I lean forward to kiss her but she quickly turns her head so I gently kiss her on the cheek. Her hair smells like a caramel milkshake as my head rests on hers while we share a warm, firm embrace. I gently whisper into her ear, ‘I’ve missed you.’ Without a reply she grabs my hand and we make our way out of the airport.
It is dark and the wind is cold and bitter when we get back to my lonely single apartment. She quickly makes herself at home by brewing herself a coffee without having to ask where the cups are. I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her firmly for a couple of minutes. I close my eyes and think of our future and how great it will be. I do not know what I would do without her as she is everything to me. She smiles and grabs my hands to lead me around to the bathroom. Her facial expression changes to a cheeky grin as she says, ‘I think we may have to share as there is not much water these days.’ My eyes lock on hers and I feel myself smiling from ear to ear as she pulls me into the shower with it on hot. She puts a hand on each side of my face and finally we kiss. After a few seconds steam surrounds us and our cloths are soaked. She begins to remove my clothes and I help take hers off.
The next morning I awake to the warm Sunday sun glaring in from the open window. I look onto my shoulder to find her still fast asleep. I pause for a second while I stare at her endless beauty being amplified by the warm sun. I ask myself, is this the person who I want to wake up to for the rest of my life? One part of my body says no doubt while the other half gives off a nervous tingle. I look down at her small, soft left hand and imagine a bright diamond ring on her index finger. I smile and run my opposite right hand along her soft and beautiful face from her ear to chin and she produces a small yet so stunning smile which gives me a warm feeling inside.
I gently kiss her softly on the forehead and have a quick shower while I continue to think about the events of last night. I then enter the kitchen to find her having breakfast. I lean over and kiss her on the cheek but there is no real acknowledgment. I say to her in an energetic tone, “I have to go to the store at some point today to get some groceries.” After a second she replies, “I have stuff to do today so you will have to go by yourself.” I then say, “Oh can I come with you?” She quickly replies, “Umm no it’s on the other side of town and I’d rather just go alone, plus I don’t want you to have to drive all that way.” My face loses all expression and I say, “Ok, shall we meet at the beach at 2 then?” She replies after long pause, “ok.” A few minutes later I attempt to kiss her as I leave to the grocery store but once again am denied as she turns her head to the side so my lips end up on her cheek.
The ocean is swarming with suffers while sunbathers crowd the beach soaking up the summer sun. I find a secluded corner that is shaded and fanned by a salty breeze. I quickly check my back pocket to make sure I have remembered everything. Some time passes and I begin to question whether or not she is going to come. Eventually she arrives and my heart begins to race just at the sight of her. We walk along the water’s edge and talk about life and our roles in it.
As the sun begins to set I suggest that we take a seat on the beach. As we continue to talk she looks around the area we are sitting in. I see her face immediately lose all expression when she realises that we are currently sitting in the exact place where I had asked her out five months ago. I see her amazing smile once again and for that split second it feels as though we are the only two people on earth, so I decide it is time. My heart starts to race and I do not know whether what I’m about to do is right or not but I take her hand. I then kneel up on one knee, my nerves are going crazy and I feel myself beginning to sweat. I stare into her sparkling big brown eyes that and take a deep breath. I pull out a small jewellery box out of my back pocket. I then begin, “You are my life, my everything and the only reason why I get up in the morning. Without you I have no purpose. Will you marry me?”
Immediately there is a pause until I see tears begin to fill her eyes. She stands up and I stand up with her not letting go of her hand. I am dying to know her answer and I feel like my legs are going to give way. I hear her say something but I do not know if it was just my mind playing tricks on me or not. I ask her again, “Will you marry me?” This time I know it isn’t my mind playing tricks on me. She says, “I’m sorry but I’m in love with someone else.” I feel as if my heart rips into two as she walks away. I sit on the beach for another several hours until it is late at night. I try to work out what I had done wrong. Now that she is gone I do not know what I will do with myself so I slowly begin to walk out into the sea and do not stop walking.

[edenjane]

one thing that's kind of driving me nuts, "I gently kiss her softly on the forehead". It's a little redundant, if the kiss is gentle we can assume it's soft. I can definitely see a lot of improvement throughout the various drafts though.

[Lowrdia07]

one thing that's kind of driving me nuts, "I gently kiss her softly on the forehead". It's a little redundant, if the kiss is gentle we can assume it's soft. I can definitely see a lot of improvement throughout the various drafts though.

I see what you are saying thankyou