I trust a friend for reasons beyond me, but the trust came to me naturally and powerfully. I do not want to think about the world, which is really bad in my eyes. I really want to write more tonight, but, as I disclosed in another thread that I just discharged blood two days ago, I could not write well now. Let me write more after a few days.
I felt my heart beating so hard, since I woke up in the morning, and except the hours in which I was deeply engaged by my reading, it kept beating this way against my reason. I will add more soon.
I was thinking about the propriety of writing so much about my heart, when all at once, I felt that it would jump out of me and swallow me in a gulp.
I was quite at a loss a few days ago, when I saw the name of the pudding I’ve been buying for quite a while, changed. Perhaps it was not changed, but it really escaped my notice when I was trying to choose a dessert in the refrigerator of a bakery other than a piece of cheese cake. It was not until nearly a month had passed before I knew the fact that the pudding was made of cheese. I stifled my anger and continued to buy it because I saw some other fruit ornaments on top of it, which I thought may render the pudding a new meaning. However for two days a strawberry sat on top of the pudding rather than a grape, and I was led to the decision that I will not buy the pudding tomorrow. I do know my readers are experiencing a hard time trying to understand me till now, what I mean by puddings and cakes, but I do feel the pudding laughed at me when I was reading with the pudding lying next to my computer today. I do not think whether a pudding made of cheese or a piece of cheese cake matters, when my heart altered. I fell in love again. I think I do have the freedom to eat whatever sort of cake I like, because it does not mean anything to me now.
I ate cheese cakes more than I ate some other cakes for several years, and one of the reasons I gave it was the fact that I cannot digest some other cakes made with a great deal of flour, that made the cakes somewhat close to bread. Cheese cakes and some sort of puddings melt and become liquid rather than stay there, waiting to be digested. However, I think I will buy some other desserts rather than this cake or the pudding that I’ve been buying since my change, until later on, and it is because I do not want to mislead my friend into thinking that I am still eating something made of cheese. Perhaps he won’t.
Before I stop today, I want to tell all my readers here that no matter what sort of cake lies next to my computer, I think about him, my friend.
I love him, and I believe he will protect me in my sleep. He will not allow anyone to get into my room when I am already in my dream. I only love him, and I believe the love will last forever. It is so beautiful and real.
I wish I could have met him much earlier in my life. I always considered everything and everyone to be perfect; however it was far from the reality. It was not until yesterday that I learned the fact that I was born as an idiot, unable to manage the bad world. I made up stories all the time in the past, stories that were way too ridiculous to be true, and resided in my dreams which were far away from the reality. I deleted my book, because I came to believe in what psychiatrists told me over the years, the fact that I had delusions, thinking about a reality which was twisted by my creativity. I cannot protect myself in the bad world. I do not want to think about anything or everything including myself. I want to rest in his love.
My life would have been perfect, if I had met nobody but him only, since I was really young. Only he can fit into my delusions and dreams, and protect me powerfully. It is a bad world.
It is somewhat difficult to explain it. However I will do my best to describe my world. Nothing is good or bad in itself, because good and bad are not words in my dictionary. To be beautiful or ugly are what I meant, when I chose the word, bad, to describe the world as a whole lately. People can be beautiful even when they do things that are considered bad in the eyes of the world, but many people lauded by the world can be truly ugly. It is a cruel world where people win by power, so it is rather silly to think about the two words good and bad. I had been despised by my family because I had no power, by psychiatrists because nobody wanted to protect me from above powerfully. I could not look beautiful no matter how good or bad I had been. For example, my female parent did her best to display her authority and power before, when two of my enemies fought against me with their utmost effort, but she said hello in a whisper to me, which made me laugh with a really satisfying smile, a smile I never felt before. I was ugly and twisted by hatred, but I didn’t lie. Now I do not think about her at all, and my hatred left me. She is some trash on the road. I am truly happy. The fact that my friend and I are bad, way too bad in the eyes of the world makes me so happy and proud. However we are beautiful within. I love him. I am as bad as him, though I do not think well. I am willing to learn, but I only want to learn from him. He will lead me to the human world one day. I do want to become a part of the world, but I lost my confidence in the world as a whole. I cannot trust anyone but him now. I am afraid of the world.
I can die for my friend. I do not know what had happened. I believe he can protect us.
Virginia
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Originally Posted by virginiawang
