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Thread: College essay

  1. #1
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    College essay

    Can you guys please review this and give me suggestions. More specifically, did I answer the question enough? Do i need to give a more specific personal anecdote? How is my use of language and tone? Finally, it needs to be 3800 characters or less. Right now I have 4300 words so I need to trim it down a bit.

    By the way this is for Rutgers and here is the question- Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences

    Rough draft of essay (just wrote it in one night)-

    Ever since I was five years old, I have dedicated a large portion of my Mondays to Fridays towards an education. Now that my education in my hometown is coming to a close, I face the daunting tack of simultaneously deciding on want I want to do with the rest of my life, on what college I want to attend, and how in the world I am going to pay for all of the expenses that are associated with each of these major choices. By choosing Rutgers I know without a doubt that I will gain an immense amount of information and form a plethora of close bonds with others from different backgrounds and experiences. In addition, I hope to make a major impact not only while in the university, but also after graduating and entering the real world (as my mother calls it).
    Rutgers University has always stood out to me as one of the most prestigious and opportunistic colleges for a rising and hopeful young adult to attend. Rutgers is known to be one of the top public research universities in the entire country. More specific to my major, Rutgers is ranked in a study by "Accounting and Finance" to be 15th in the world in the departments of accounting and information systems. Rutgers can also boast that it one of the most diverse colleges in the country. With such a wide variety of cultures and backgrounds, it is no surprise that Rutgers ranks highly in so many categories. Just from this information alone, I know that by choosing to attend Rutgers University I will benefit immensely from the opportunities that I will receive over my four or so years of education and from the ubiquitous friendships that I will form with fellow classmates from all kinds of different backgrounds.
    More importantly than the past success of the school is how I will contribute to its future success and prestige. My hometown and high school are home to a wide variety of different cultures. Some of my closest friends are Asian, African-American, and even Canadian. By forming such close bonds I have learned a great deal about other cultures and more importantly have realized that all people, regardless of ethnicity, have similar goals and ideals about their future. Through my easiness in forming friendships with people from other cultures, it will be extremely easy for me to fit in with the student body of Rutgers and contribute to its success.
    Lastly, I do not want to get across the false impression that I am the most extroverted person that exists in the entire world. Instead I consider myself to be fairly reserved. Despite this so called limitation, I have never let it get in the way of my goals in life. Currently I am employed as a cashier at a retail store and work with people from other cultures and meet customers from different backgrounds. Over my first month of employment I already feel that my communication skills have improved marginally. Meeting new people is no longer viewed as a task, but instead as a opportunity to learn something new or to simply exchange small talk. I fully realize that these improved skills will alleviate any fear about entering college and even finding and succeeding in a new job after college. I also hope to contribute to the success of the FBLA (Future Business Leaders of America) business organization at Rutgers University. In high school, I found the privilege to compete in the regional conference both enlightening and exciting. Even though I did not place in the category of business calculations, I formed a close bond with another student from a neighboring town. To this day, we continue to maintain communications and both of us aspire to major in a business related field.
    Through all of these personal examples, I hope that I successfully conveyed the fact that it will not be difficult for me to fit in and exchange my ideas with others at Rutgers. Maybe a few years ago, I would of looked at entering college as a scary obstacle in life. How could I fit in with such a diverse group of people? How could I contribute? By involving myself with programs at school, finding a job that primarily relies on ones interaction with others, and forming friendships with people from a wide variety of cultures, I personally have found the answer to these questions. Yes, I can easily fit in with others and yes, I could contribute in so many ways that I earlier had never imagined.

  2. #2
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    I think you need to give specific examples.

    By choosing Rutgers I know without a doubt that I will gain an immense amount of information and form a plethora of close bonds with others from different backgrounds and experiences. You say you know this but how come?

    More specific to my major, Rutgers is ranked in a study by "Accounting and Finance" to be 15th in the world in the departments of accounting and information systems. Rutgers can also boast that it one of the most diverse colleges in the country. With such a wide variety of cultures and backgrounds, it is no surprise that Rutgers ranks highly in so many categories.

    You haven't really spoken about your major, why you chose it and where you want to take it. This para is about telling Rutgers facts that you know that they already know!

    If you bring it down to a narrative that demonstrates your own motivations and reinforce the example with what you know about Rutgers, it will sell more effectively as you will show how Rutgers corresponds with the examples, explanations and goals you have outlined. It will also tell Rutgers more about you and your career goals, tying the two together.

    Good luck
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  3. #3
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    Thanks for the advice

    But to your first point, that is just my closing sentence to my introduction. I felt that the rest of my essay would be the how come part. For example since Rutgers is ranked so highly I will gain a lot of information. And through my experiences at school and work I will form close bonds with more and more people.

    But I do agree with your second point. I hate that whole paragraph. I'm going to talk more specifically about my major and how Rutgers will benefit me in advancing towards my career goals with that major.

  4. #4
    Registered User hellsapoppin's Avatar
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    ''most prestigious and opportunistic colleges ''


    opportunistic is a pejorative! do not use it because it denotes a lack of morals

    Your positive tone is commendable. But you repeatedly use the term ''I''. Perhaps you may want to limit this.

    delete ''as my mother calls it'' - you are now grown up and need not refer to her or make so many references to childhood as the school is interested in your future, not your past

    ''I do not want to get across the false impression that I am the most extroverted person that exists in the entire world'' - is this reference entirely advisable? why mention any possible limitation at all?

    ''I hope that I successfully conveyed the fact that it will not be difficult for me to fit in '' - say instead, ''I am confident of fitting in''


    ALWAYS be fully positive. Let them know it is your heartfelt wish to make this a better world for everyone and that it is an education at Rutgers that will enable you to do so.
    ... by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord ... I am now, as before, a Catholic and will always remain so.

    --- Adolf Hitler

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    wow i didn't realize that it was a pejorative. I guess you learn a new thing every day..lol

    Thanks for the help! I liked how you edited the last sentence btw

  6. #6
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    I only read a few lines, but it became clear that you didn't absorb enough of language and writing.You might want to see if there is a counsellor who might assist you. Or perhaps an English teacher would be willing to make for past omissions.
    Last edited by PeterL; 10-11-2011 at 04:30 AM. Reason: typos

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    care to elaborate? I'm in AP english and got a 4 on the ap exam last year

    By the way, I only read your few sentences but it's very clear that you can't spell

    And yeah, I edited the tack with task, and the want with what if that's what you were referencing. If you could read, that was my rough draft and I wrote it in about an hour or two. I have been editing it for the past few hours though and I don't care for a degrading comment that leaves no suggestions. I'm open to constructive criticism but not downright disrespect. Maybe you need to find adults that would be willing to make up for past omissions on teaching manners.
    Last edited by HSstudent; 10-09-2011 at 11:29 PM.

  8. #8
    Registered User hellsapoppin's Avatar
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    ''More specific to my major, Rutgers is ranked in a study by "Accounting and Finance" to be 15th in the world in the departments of accounting and information systems. Rutgers can also boast that it one of the most diverse colleges in the country. With such a wide variety of cultures and backgrounds, it is no surprise that Rutgers ranks highly in so many categories.''

    change this to:

    ''Rutgers is ranked 15th by Accounting and Finance in Accounting and Information systems. It ranks highly in many academic categories because of its great academic diversification.''

    -------------------


    say things like "Rutgers will provide me with a solid foundation for a constructive and rewarding future'' ''I will be inspired to contribute to society's betterment''

    -------------------

    perhaps you may also want to briefly mention that Rutgers is especially appealing and promising because of its proximity to the energetic and dynamic NYC Metro area



    I'll try to think of something else ....
    ... by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord ... I am now, as before, a Catholic and will always remain so.

    --- Adolf Hitler

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    thanks for the suggestions^

    And I'm going to send it in tonight, since there application is due by nov 1st for early action and I want to send in my transcripts, SAT scores, etc.
    Last edited by HSstudent; 10-11-2011 at 06:34 PM.

  10. #10
    Registered User hellsapoppin's Avatar
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    Tonight? OK. I was going to suggest that you are welcomed to send me a PM with a draft and I would be willing to give it a final look. But if you sent it already, well, the best of luck to you.

    ... by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord ... I am now, as before, a Catholic and will always remain so.

    --- Adolf Hitler

  11. #11
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    It's all right. I have a really good GPA and SAT score so I'm not too concerned with the essay being a huge deal in the admission process (for Rutgers). Do you mind if I send you my essay for Fordham when I finish it?

  12. #12
    Registered User hellsapoppin's Avatar
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    Go right ahead.

    ... by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord ... I am now, as before, a Catholic and will always remain so.

    --- Adolf Hitler

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    Just got accepted to Rutgers!!!!!!!!!!

    Thanks for the help!!!!!

    I also got accepted to fordham, the university of pittsburgh, and drexel

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by HSstudent View Post
    Just got accepted to Rutgers!!!!!!!!!!

    Thanks for the help!!!!!

    I also got accepted to fordham, the university of pittsburgh, and drexel
    Nice.

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