Can you guys please review this and give me suggestions. More specifically, did I answer the question enough? Do i need to give a more specific personal anecdote? How is my use of language and tone? Finally, it needs to be 3800 characters or less. Right now I have 4300 words so I need to trim it down a bit.
By the way this is for Rutgers and here is the question- Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences
Rough draft of essay (just wrote it in one night)-
Ever since I was five years old, I have dedicated a large portion of my Mondays to Fridays towards an education. Now that my education in my hometown is coming to a close, I face the daunting tack of simultaneously deciding on want I want to do with the rest of my life, on what college I want to attend, and how in the world I am going to pay for all of the expenses that are associated with each of these major choices. By choosing Rutgers I know without a doubt that I will gain an immense amount of information and form a plethora of close bonds with others from different backgrounds and experiences. In addition, I hope to make a major impact not only while in the university, but also after graduating and entering the real world (as my mother calls it).
Rutgers University has always stood out to me as one of the most prestigious and opportunistic colleges for a rising and hopeful young adult to attend. Rutgers is known to be one of the top public research universities in the entire country. More specific to my major, Rutgers is ranked in a study by "Accounting and Finance" to be 15th in the world in the departments of accounting and information systems. Rutgers can also boast that it one of the most diverse colleges in the country. With such a wide variety of cultures and backgrounds, it is no surprise that Rutgers ranks highly in so many categories. Just from this information alone, I know that by choosing to attend Rutgers University I will benefit immensely from the opportunities that I will receive over my four or so years of education and from the ubiquitous friendships that I will form with fellow classmates from all kinds of different backgrounds.
More importantly than the past success of the school is how I will contribute to its future success and prestige. My hometown and high school are home to a wide variety of different cultures. Some of my closest friends are Asian, African-American, and even Canadian. By forming such close bonds I have learned a great deal about other cultures and more importantly have realized that all people, regardless of ethnicity, have similar goals and ideals about their future. Through my easiness in forming friendships with people from other cultures, it will be extremely easy for me to fit in with the student body of Rutgers and contribute to its success.
Lastly, I do not want to get across the false impression that I am the most extroverted person that exists in the entire world. Instead I consider myself to be fairly reserved. Despite this so called limitation, I have never let it get in the way of my goals in life. Currently I am employed as a cashier at a retail store and work with people from other cultures and meet customers from different backgrounds. Over my first month of employment I already feel that my communication skills have improved marginally. Meeting new people is no longer viewed as a task, but instead as a opportunity to learn something new or to simply exchange small talk. I fully realize that these improved skills will alleviate any fear about entering college and even finding and succeeding in a new job after college. I also hope to contribute to the success of the FBLA (Future Business Leaders of America) business organization at Rutgers University. In high school, I found the privilege to compete in the regional conference both enlightening and exciting. Even though I did not place in the category of business calculations, I formed a close bond with another student from a neighboring town. To this day, we continue to maintain communications and both of us aspire to major in a business related field.
Through all of these personal examples, I hope that I successfully conveyed the fact that it will not be difficult for me to fit in and exchange my ideas with others at Rutgers. Maybe a few years ago, I would of looked at entering college as a scary obstacle in life. How could I fit in with such a diverse group of people? How could I contribute? By involving myself with programs at school, finding a job that primarily relies on ones interaction with others, and forming friendships with people from a wide variety of cultures, I personally have found the answer to these questions. Yes, I can easily fit in with others and yes, I could contribute in so many ways that I earlier had never imagined.
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Originally Posted by HSstudent
