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Thread: Tuesday Morning

  1. #1
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Tuesday Morning

    How the birds chirp a symphony at dawn
    along with the blaring radio by my bedside.
    The flyscreen is clawed hungrily by a cat
    who demands re-entry to his castle
    after a night of stalking in overgrown, wild grass.
    The aroma of percolated coffee disturbs
    my inner sanctum of harmony.
    Reluctantly, I cast it to one side like a warm quilt
    to greet another working day.
    As the sun rises, fresias welcome the arrival
    of orange hues streaked across the sky
    like a long lost relative
    while chickens cluck their way from makeshift roosts to the back door.
    The traffic creeps sleepily past this yawning household,
    and I catch sight of my tousled hair in the kitchen window.
    Makeup, heels and stockings strewn across the house
    ready to be collected and employed.
    In the mirror, I wonder if blue eyes inwardly searching the
    the aqua depths of wakefulness,
    make any difference to my external outlook.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  2. #2
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    I've noticed that poetry critique has dried up lately and alot of members have gone AWOL. Anyone else notice this?
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  3. #3
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    To be honest Delta, I hadn't seen it, but I don't think this is your best work. It feels like a finite moment stretched too far, overworked with too many descriptors and takes a long time to say not very much. Sorry but you did ask. The poem lacks focus, I think, with all the things you list happening at dawn, that effectively ends with a glance in the mirror.

    Try paring it back a bit and find the core of what you really want to say.

    Best, H

  4. #4
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    thanks hawk. I've lost my poetic mojo lately. I'm sure it will return.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  5. #5
    riding a cosmic vortex MystyrMystyry's Avatar
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    Sounds like a hectic morning at the Delta household

    I liked it - actually it reminds me a bit of an old Bob Hope joke:

    'Each day my heart pumps twenty thousand litres of blood through six thousand miles of arteries, which then makes the return journey through veins the same length, my eyelids blink abut fifty thousand times while my lungs take forty thousand involuntary breaths -

    No wonder I'm so tired'

    It also has the potential of The Mezzanine, in which novel the narrator walks out of his office and describes absolutely every detail in complete detail


    You haven't lost your mojo - you're just discovering new things

  6. #6
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    well thanks MM. One thing I love about lit-net: you can please some of the people some of the time....
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  7. #7
    Beyond the world aliengirl's Avatar
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    I like your detailed description of the hectic morning because I'm going through a similar situation. Too many things to do, too many things happening around and as usual too little time to move along. Yet we move ahead. It may not sound very poetic but it reflects the reality. Thanks for sharing Delta.
    I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's. ~ William Blake

    Captivity is consciousness,
    So's liberty. ~ Emily Dickinson

  8. #8
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
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    I'm so loving this piece. But totally disagree with this:

    The aroma of percolated coffee disturbs
    my inner sanctum of harmony.


    may you pardon this caffeine addict...

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

  9. #9
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Haunted View Post
    I'm so loving this piece. But totally disagree with this:

    The aroma of percolated coffee disturbs
    my inner sanctum of harmony.


    may you pardon this caffeine addict...
    I thought about using arouses instead but decided it clashed with aroma. You're pardoned Haunted!
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

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