Pepper Rosé

[Bar22do]

Pepper Rosé (revised)

When summer is sealed
in clusters of pink-red
pepper tree fruits,

I pick up one corn, smash it on my palm,
deeply inhale the aroma.
Taste buds swell the tongue
at the pungent-sweet promise and

it feels like some pagan
incense altar,
set for an equinoctial ceremony.

Briefly, youth returns in gusts,
grass blades rise to attention – I savour
my world, before it disperses.

(Jerusalem, September 22, 2011)


Pepper Rosé (original)

I love it when on pepper trees
clustered little fruits seal,
in pink-red,
the ending summer.
I pick up one corn, smash it on my palm
and deeply inhale the subtle oil,
freshly freed. It stirs my taste buds
which swell the tongue
at the mild-sweet promise.
It feels like nearing a pagan
incense altar,
set for an equinoctial ceremony.

Momentarily, youth returns in gusts,
grass blades rise to attention – and I savour
my wondrous world, before it's dispersed.

[PrinceMyshkin]

For a moment, youth returns in gusts

is probably my favourite image from this poem which is so sensual and alive!

[blank|verse]

Yes, a wonderfully imaginative and evocative 14-liner, Bar.

I wasn't sure about 'ogling' the young priests, but the rest, as you said of my recent poem, really engages the senses. The shift to the pagan ceremony is very effective and really moves the reader effortlessly to a different world. Great stuff.

[Delta40]

I love this poem about a pepper tree! You guide the reader far beyond its fruits Bar. I am a little unsure about ogling priests too as it seems out of sync with everything else you wrote.

[Haunted]

very refreshing Bar. Great image: "grass blades rise to attention".

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot Prince, B/V, Delta and Haunted for your positive comments!

I don't ogle young priests anymore (please see #1) - any better this way?

Best to you, Bar

P.S. Actually, I didn't pay any attention, but wrote this poem so close to TODAY's equinox!

[Bar22do]

here is an attempt at revision of my little thing (without priests and with aroma), is it a progress? (though now it IS a 13 liner).


Pepper Rosé

When summer is sealed
in clusters of pink-red
pepper tree fruits,

I pick up one corn, smash it on my palm,
deeply inhale the aroma.
Taste buds swell the tongue
at the pungent-sweet promise and

it feels like some pagan
incense altar,
set for an equinoctial ceremony.

Briefly, youth returns in gusts,
grass blades rise to attention – I savour
my world, before it disperses.

(Jerusalem, September 22, 2011)

[blank|verse]

I think with a lot of your revisions, Bar, you sometimes change bits I preferred the first time! For example - the opening, which now includes one of my pet-hates, that 'plural possessive with apostrophe' construction ("pepper trees' | clustered..."). Also, the syntax, with its several sub-ordinate clauses, I think needs to flow better, particularly at the start of the poem. Why not:

When the ending summer is sealed
in clusters of pink-red
pepper tree fruits

And I think maybe 'mild, pungent-sweet' (line 7) is too much, mild and pungent are oxymoronic, which could be deliberate, but I found this was a bit difficult to work out exactly what this smelt like; something more immediate would be better.

[Bar22do]

Good points, seem so obvious, gosh, why wasn't I more careful. Yes, this is another proof I have a long way to go - especially where revisions are concerned. Ah.

Thanks a million, irreplaceable B/V.

Bar

P.S. and the smell is all that, pungent, mild, slightly sweet...