deleted for good =/ finished, thanks for the help! =D
deleted for good =/ finished, thanks for the help! =D
Last edited by Plain&Simple; 09-05-2011 at 01:08 AM.
It gets better.
I liked the vivid descriptions in paragraph 3 in particular - though you could probably simplify how you tell us where the daughter was standing. That's difficult to figure out because you give so much precise detail.
Also there's rather a lot of watching and waiting in the paragraph - which doesn't actually increase the suspense even if that was your intention. To create a little tension you need to imply that something bad may have happened to their father, which is why he is late. Is he on a long journey away from home? Does his work involve dangerous situations?
Just a thought or two...
H
I'll see what I can do
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