Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: Short story Help for school ;)

  1. #1
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    Alice Springs
    Posts
    21

    Red face My Super Short Story about Aliens!!! <:D bag me if you dare!

    deleted for good =/ finished, thanks for the help! =D
    Last edited by Plain&Simple; 09-05-2011 at 01:08 AM.

  2. #2
    Registered User Steven Hunley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    San Diego Calif.
    Posts
    1,769
    Blog Entries
    15

    response to story

    I'm of the opinion this is just great. The reader assumes it's about humans until near the end. The descriptions are terrific. Well written and just the right length too. Great job!

  3. #3
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    Alice Springs
    Posts
    21
    Thanks again =P Haha. People are so helpful here

  4. #4
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    6,053
    Well, this is 100 times better than the original version of your story. You’ve obviously worked hard at refining the plot and creating a believable story, complete with twist at the end.

    I would suggest a little more trimming as you do tend to over-describe things, like for instance how the light and sound from the returning spacecraft reduced then increased then reduced again. It had me desperate for you to pick up the pace of the story at one stage.

    And there are a few sentences that would read more smoothly if you removed the underlined phrases for example:

    For it was at the end of each of these cycles, after the hollows in their bellies had been filled, that he would share with them tales and legends of which had been handed down since the times of their ancestors.

    It was there where he had often appeared just beyond the horizon.

    They watched and waited, looking out across the horizon that lay not far from the endless high-peaked mountains that rose well and truly past the sky’s misty ocean.

    But even then it did not linger long and left the sky as it had with them, taking with it the warmth and comfort that had been keeping them at bay.

    The oval object momentarily stopped before the light beneath it began to pulsate, becoming more blinding than it had been the first time, followed by the same thunderous roar.

    The sister was the first of her siblings to notice the strange creature that her father carried with him, a creature unlike any she had ever seen.
    But I’m suitably impressed with what you have managed to come up with in so short a time and if you can maintain the quality of writing and plot development this is oing to turn out to be a great story.

    H

  5. #5
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    Alice Springs
    Posts
    21
    Thanks again. You've help me out heaps with this and I'll continue refining it like you said. I have to hand it in tomorrow though, so I'm unsure if I'll be able to fix up the part where it says the light and sound from the spacecraft reduced then increased then reduced again, haha.

  6. #6
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    Alice Springs
    Posts
    21
    Because I was first to hand this in, my teacher made me go back and work on it some more. So I've done what 'hillwalker' suggested and shortened some things and changed a few other bits and pieces my teacher told me to improve on as well. Now I'm just worried that I may have ruined parts by changing to much of it around like I have. If anyone could go over it again briefly and reassure that what I've done is alright, that would help yet again, haha. =)

Similar Threads

  1. Best Short Story Authors of Today
    By Venerable Bede in forum General Literature
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 04-27-2011, 12:25 AM
  2. "Show, Don't Tell": How to Jumpstart Your Short Stories
    By AuntShecky in forum Short Story Sharing
    Replies: 53
    Last Post: 03-22-2011, 05:43 PM
  3. What is this short story?
    By Riverrun... in forum Who Said That?
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 02-17-2011, 12:43 AM
  4. Short Story: River Anthony
    By Reggi in forum Short Story Sharing
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 01-09-2009, 05:16 PM

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •