The Outcasts (School Imaginative Essay - Any Good?))

[con202]

So I wrote this for my folio last year in school. As far as I know I got a 2 for it (highest being 1) but it was in there with two others, critical and discursive, so I don't know if that affected the mark.

This is my first post and story here so if I'm doing anything wrong let me know, I'm also interested in constructive criticism so please do that, my teachers say I'm pretty good at writing, but I'd like opinions from people who are not stressed about another 100 kids .

The task was to write a story with the title "The Outcast" but I asked to change it to "Outcasts" because of my story and they let me.

So here goes nothing

The Outcasts

Running. Running faster than he'd ever run before. He didn't know where he was going. He didn't care. Shrieks of rage and disbelief were still ringing in his ears and those eyes, those terrible eyes of the shocked crowds staring at him. The image was burned in his mind. He didn't even know what he had done but he knew it was big. Mobs were closely chasing him down like a hurricane, he could almost feel the grasps of the people around his neck but still he ran and ran and ran. He looked left, he looked right, all around him were the cold concrete slabs of the inner walls. He had to find a way out soon, he had to! Pain filled his body. Grasping him. Pulling him down, telling him to stop! Still he ran and ran until...He ran no further.

Jake was always quiet, sensible, reliable. No one ever said a bad word about him. Some even said he was the most popular person they'd ever know, and the most likeable. However behind the cold walls of Trundle Keep a flaw was always spotted in everyone.

Trundle Keep, a castle high in the Pandora mountains, could see everything and everyone in Pandora city far below. Citizens always took a blind eye, it's menacing look struck terror into children and worry into adults. Jake always wondered what was really up there, he was mystified by how hikers would go up, but never down. He was going to find out, he just didn't know how soon he actually would.

“So this...thing...what is it exactly?” asked Kyle, a short, stumpy friend of Jake's.
“This “thing” is a Find-Me-Scope!” replied Jake, gracefully presenting a small cornflakes box, modified with buttons of many shapes and sizes.
“Ah!” realised Kyle “Uh...what's a Find-Me-Scope?”
“A clever little device I made”
“What does it do?”
“It...uh...finds you?” Jake raised his eyebrow and gave Kyle a strange look, the name wasn't self explanatory apparently.
“It isn't like last time is it?” Kyle moaned, “And the time before that, remember? The Find my keys-Scope and the infamous Dress-Me-Scope” pointing behind Jake to the pile of previous “Scopes” all burned and tattered.
“No no no, this DEFINETLY works I swear!” Jake defended his small remote, “And that last one would've worked if it wasn't for the...you know what, and that nasty so and so”. Kyle gave Jake a blank look, even a mentalist couldn't read what was going in that head of his.
“Ah doesn't matter” Jake finally broke silence.
“So, when do we start?” Kyle asked yet another question as Jake stood to glance out the window, yet again mesmerized by the castle high above.
“I would say immediately” Jake replied still fixed on the castle, “But I'm guessing we have to wait till dark, those towers look suspiciously like guard posts to me”. Jake came away from the window, he played with the device in his hands, excited about the night ahead.
“Meet me at the start path at around 10pm” Jake briefed, “from there we climb to the halfway point and set base camp, after a slight break of tea and biscuits we continue the climb to the back of the castle and from there, well, let's hope there's a back door”
“Wait wait wait” Kyle interrupted “We have to WALK!?” Jake rolled his eyes, it was going to be a tough mission.

It was dark all around now. The only bright, shining lights were the ones from Trundle Keep's “reassurance lights” - otherwise know as prison lights as Jake puts it - keeping watch on the city below. Jake and Kyle were approaching from the back end of the castle walls.
“Well according to Crazy Jim, the door is right over there” Jake announced, pointing over to his left.
“Ever wonder why they call him Crazy Jim?” Kyle wondered
“Not really” Jake shrugged “Why?”
“Oh...nothing...” Kyle said nervously retreating his doubts back to his imagination “So, you think we should test this Find-Me-Bob?”
“Find-Me-Scope” Jake corrected “And yes, quick give it here”
Kyle handed over the device. Jake turned a dial and flicked a switch, it turned on with a “PING” and the dial on top came to life.
“OK, let's set it to you” Jake told Kyle
Jake twisted another dial and clicked another button, the device gave a “BLEEP” and the dial span rapidly. It came to a sudden halt on Kyle and followed as he stepped to the right.
“That actually works” Kyle said surprised at this feat, “Try you!”
Jake twisted the dial back and forth, flicked the switch, clicked the button, “BLEEP” came from the device. The dial span in the opposite way from last time and halted again. But this time, it faced the opposite way from Jake.
“That's odd” Jake was puzzled.
“Maybe it's wrong?” Kyle questioned.
Suddenly the dial shot to face Jake, then back to the front, then to Jake again. Back and forward.
“Is it broken?” Kyle asked
“Definitely not!” Jake snapped, he was even doubting it now “...Maybe...”
The dial repeatedly spun back and forth between Jake and nothing rapidly, but now they were doubting whether it really was nothing. Maybe something was going on here.

Alarms sounded around them, crying out wails of jeopardy. Lights flashed straight to the door to the left of them. Jake and Kyle stood in panic, still as a rock, but the alarms weren't for them. Bursting from the door in front of them, clear as day, a tired, exhausted man collapsed before their eyes. Screams of mobs suddenly stopping before the door and the hushes that soon followed as uncertainty took over anger. The mob suddenly seemed afraid. The man gave took gasps of air, trying to speak between each breath.
“I...I can't...help me!” the man tried to speak.
“Are...are you all right?” Jake asked, breaking the awkward silence as the alarms simmered.
“Please...” the man glanced up, Jake gasped in disbelief, he was face to face with the most familiar sight he had ever seen. He was staring into his very own face.
“But...But!” Kyle stammered, also shaking in shock.
“I...I don't know...” Jake couldn't speak, his mind was just trying to process what was going on.
“They're in on it!” a sudden cry came from the crowds, still huddled behind the door, “Banish them all! Make them the outcasts of our world!”.
The crowds agreed. Uproar began, darts shot from all sides with a “STING” burying themselves into the necks of Jake, Kyle and the other Jake. Kyle squealed as he dropped to the floor, Jake soon followed. They heard the crowds surrounding them with shouts of hatred. Jake couldn't feel his limbs, he tried to fight but couldn't! Everything went black...

Jake woke in a daze, he was lying in the boiling sun surrounded by the dry, brittle dust. It made him cough, he always hated dust. He quickly shot up to get his nose away from the dehydrated ground. In front of him Kyle and the other Jake were talking, shielded from the sun with a plastic sheet and sitting on metal buckets.
“Oh” Jake complained “so you didn't even think to cover me with the sheet?”
“Oh yeah” said Kyle, shrugging it off and getting back to the other Jake. Jake walked toward them.
“Aren't you going to introduce me?” asked Jake
“Yeah well Jake this is eh...other Jake”, other Jake gave a quiet smile and a wave.
“He's been telling me all about Trundle Keep and it's goings on, he was trying to escape but the “villagers” caught on, chased him out the town. 'Course then he met us...”
“And we've been caught up and banished from Pandora” Jake interrupted
“Yeaaaaahh” Kyle reassured
“If this is anything to go by,” other Kyle changed subject “We could go back, I have evidence that could stop Trundle Keep and free everyone from it's grasp, including freeing Pandora city.” He slapped papers onto the makeshift table.
“So that's it then” Jake recapped “Free Pandora...us!?”
“No time to waste” other Jake shot up “We might be outcasts, but we've got a brilliant plan!”
Other Jake left from under the sheet and snapped his arm forward pointing to the far horizon, “Yonder!”

Word count is 1444 words, about 200 over the limit which is why it ended pretty sharply. I would've expanded on the ending if it wasn't for the limit.

So thanks for taking the time to read it and I look forward to seeing what you think!

I'd also like to add I'm 15 (14 at the time of writing)

[hillwalker]

I enjoyed this – a fantasy/futuristic yarn with a difference.

I especially liked the way you began the story – you hit the ground running (excuse the pun) which is a great way of grabbing the reader by the collar and taking them along for the ride. So many writers spend ages feeding background details when what we really need is to jump into the story from the first word.

I would, however, advise a little trimming to sharpen the pace of the plot.

When you describe Jake, for instance, you don’t need to use so many adjectives – ‘quiet’, ‘sensible’, ‘reliable’, ‘popular’, ‘likeable’ – it’s overwriting (a common fault in writers who lack confidence in their ability – throwing as many descriptors into the mix hoping at least one will fit the bill).
And Kyle can either be ‘short’ or ‘stumpy’ since both words mean the same.

Also words like ‘always’, ‘really’ and ‘actually’ are often used as filler to build up the word count but they don’t add very much to the story (check out paragraph 3).

In this case, of course, you claim you cut the story short because you almost overran the word limit. Now you know what to look out for next time.

I noticed a couple of expressions you had chosen were a bit off as well:

Mobs were closely chasing him down like a hurricane…

This mob was obviously intent on catching him whereas hurricanes tend to be unpredictable, random acts of nature without one particular target in mind.

breaking the awkward silence as the alarms simmered…

Hot water simmers in a pan as it is being boiled – not something you would associate with an alarm.

He quickly shot up to get his nose away from the dehydrated ground.

i
this s a little awkward – and difficult to picture.

There are also one or two typos, (e.g. the past tense of ‘spin’ is ‘spun’ not ‘span’)

but overall a great effort.
You should continue and see where the plot leads you - good luck.

H

PS - you'll probably get more response (and certainly more views) if you also post this in the Short Story forum.

[con202]

Thanks for the somewhat speedy reply! I'll certainly be taking your advice for future story's and essays .

I'm also going to copy-paste this to the short story thread, but I don't think I should delete this as your advice might help someone else.

As for continuing, I might if I have time later on, I do have exams and many other essays for school this year . So maybe one day...

Thanks!

EDIT - Here's the new thread showthread.php?t=63912