View Poll Results: What part of this captures your imagination most?

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  • The so far hidden and mysterious plot behind it

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  • Detail and Perception of how things are described

    0 0%
  • Characters

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  • All of it

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  • None of it

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Thread: Students Short Story-help and suggestions?

  1. #1
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    Red face Students Short Story-help and suggestions?

    deleted for good =/ finished, thanks for the help! =D
    Last edited by Plain&Simple; 09-05-2011 at 01:08 AM.

  2. #2
    Registered User Steven Hunley's Avatar
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    response to story

    Some of this is alright and some is good! Like:

    They watched and waited, looking out transversely over the horizon that lay not far from the seeming endless high peak mountains that rose well and truly past the sky’s misty ocean.

    Maybe try high-peaked mountains. You might also find some synonyms for the word siblings, but that's not the problem.

    This needs to go somewhere, right now it's caught in the mud of description.

    A beginning, a middle, an end. I know it wouldn't have an end at this point, but it needs to at least let us know we're heading somewhere. A bit of direction would help. The people here are helpful. They make great suggestions, you'll see.

  3. #3
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    Thanks! This helps so much, you got no idea, lol. I need to get the highest grades I can. Everything people suggest to me on here, I'll fix and apply to my work like what you said =) I'll try put some direction in now

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    My immediate reaction was that there’s far too much repetition in this to make it an enjoyable read.

    Phrases like ‘all too…’ (used twice in the first 2 sentences), and the words ‘siblings’, ‘cycle’ and ‘father’ which you use in almost every single sentence show a lack of imagination or narrative effort.

    You need to vary the vocabulary if you are going to refer to the same characters or situations several times in the same piece. Otherwise it becomes monotonous to read.

    And this complicated sentence seems endless and as it stands is a mess:

    They watched and waited, looking out transversely over the horizon that lay not far from the seeming endless high-peaked mountains that rose well and truly past the sky’s misty ocean.

    Ugh!

    How can you look out transversely over the horizon? The word 'at' makes more sense.
    And did the hills rise above a misty ocean or above the sky? ‘the sky’s misty ocean’ again makes no sense.
    The key to good writing is clarity and simplicity.

    As for the plot, you take far too long telling us... nothing very much.
    Three children are hungrily anticipating the arrival of their father. That’s basically the story so far from what I can see. It's all very well creating a detailed scenario, but this kind of vague filler will drive most readers away.

    Unless you are going to explain more about the cycles they are of no relevance at this stage in the story because you have given no clue as to their meaning, so constantly referring to them is pointless without feeding us more information.

    My advice, cut to the chase… assuming something is going to happen.

    H

  5. #5
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    They arn't children =/ I call days cycles because thats what they are to them. I accept what you've said and am trying to use it to fix this up, although I thought 'transversely' was another word for 'crossways'? So if they're looking crossways over the horizon. The plot is very straight forward. It's basically meant to make you think that the siblings/younglings are human and untill they see an alien that's actualy a human and the reader finds out that they are actualy the aliens, lol. I know it's lame, but it's my kind of story, haha.
    Last edited by Plain&Simple; 08-14-2011 at 07:46 PM.

  6. #6
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    There, I tried fixing some of it up. I haven't gotten rid of transversely until I'm sure that it means something other then what I've been told.
    Last edited by Plain&Simple; 08-14-2011 at 11:34 PM.

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    It's definitely better - but 'transversely' is still an unnecessary complication.

    How can you look crossways over the horizon. Over the horizon suggests you are looking up at the sky - since there's usually nothing else above the horizon - so how can you look crossways at the sky? Unless their eyes were on stalks that projected some distance from their heads, and these eyes were somehow crossed? The whole concept is baffling...

    H

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    Okay, I'll do my best to fix this. Thx

  9. #9
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    You see, cycle just makes me think of my monthly period. Reading it in this context at least puts a smile on my face.

    I suggest 'looking out across the horizon.' In short story writing, you need to trim away the unnecessary and transversely does absolutely nothing for the story. People need to relate and empathize. If we use too much abstract or intricately, long detailed sentence structures, interest dies off quickly, just as it will if the reader needs a dictionary by his side. I mean, I've heard the word by why not say it how it is? You look across the horizon. Plain and Simple!

    Good luck with your project and keep writing!
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  10. #10
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    I know what you mean and thanks I'm trying to find a different way of describing or hinting to the reader, just what a "cycle" is. If you have any suggestions, that would be a great help! =D

  11. #11
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    If cycles are so important to the plot, but you want to maintain an aura of mystery, just begin with something like

    'Another cycle was near its end; light fading to darkness heralding the time when their father would arrive home again.'

    It tells the reader that the main characters are someone's offspring - though not necessarily children - and also introduces the concept of a 'cycle' as a period of time controlled by light and dark.

    H

  12. #12
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    Awesome, that's perfect. I'll do that instead. Thank you =)

  13. #13
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    I've decided that saying offspring and siblings instead of children was actually to alienated and it does sound better saying "child" instead of "offspring".

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